Whoever created the DVD cover for this film should be hung, drawn and quartered. Not because it is a shonky job but for false advertising.
I have never done this before but here is the outline blurb for the film:
“The crew of an internet reality series falls prey to a family of murderous cannibals while hunting Bigfoot in the remote forest. ‘Hunting the Unknown’ host Nigel Thorne isn’t above faking evidence of the paranormal in order to get more hits on his website.
When Nigel and his crew venture deep in the woods on a mission to find Bigfoot, they’re shocked to capture a feral woman who appears to have recently given birth.
Surmising that the rest of the clan could be close by, Nigel and his crew treads deeper into the woodlands in hopes of catching a glimpse of their captive’s mate. But when the hunters become the hunted, the crew’s only hope for survival rests in the hands of a wilderness guide and ex-military man whose humanity has been slowly eroded by the horrors he has witnessed throughout the years.”
Fair enough you think, please read on for the truth… haiku style.
Mo-ron, gon-zo t-v crew
Loo-king for big-foot
Find for-est can-i-bal tribe
Most dire act-ing in e-ons
Sub kin-dy play grade
Chee-si-er than pi-zza crust
You can claim ‘bad but try-ing’
But you miss the point
E-ven their Mums are a-shamed
Uwe Boll excretes better films than this, and I am decidedly in the anti-Boll camp. I like a bad film as much as the next guy but this is ‘next-level’ bad. The acting is abysmal, the tone is supposed to be amusing and wink-wink but is merely pathetic in the truest sense of the word, and selling all this on the basis of a bloody DVD cover redefines cheating.
Final Rating – 1 / 10. Bloodwood Cannibals is contrived, lazy and deplorable. I liked it about as much as I liked Zombie Women of Satan.
P.S. I fucking hated Zombie Women of Satan.
It seems that the deliberate low budget B Movie craze sparked in the last decade by Planet Terror, Death Proof, Hell Ride and Piranha 3D is now officially getting out of hand, with aspiring filmmakers thinking grainy film, gonzo special effects and over the top acting – OK and lashings of nudity – is a guarantee of at least moderate success.
In recent times though this has lead to a decrease in quality and an alarming reduction in creativity levels in favour of the violence, nudity and the search for alarm-bell themes of rape and degrading brutality for the sake of notoriety.
Let’s see if the oh-so calculatingly monikored Nude Nuns with Big Guns can avoid the trap of Hobo with a Shotgun and Tucker & Dale Vs Evil, and capture the Mega-Piranha and (to a lesser extent) Machete magic.
Corr-upt church force poor young nuns,
To drugs n sex trade
One Sis takes rev-enge on all
Vi-o-lent and de-grad-ing
Gee, it’s all here.
Rape, rac-ists and les-bi-ans
Take bad ac-ting for gran-ted
“Let’s try one with your shirt off”
Not to piss on your chips B Movie makers, but I can get the unnecessary violence and depressing elements from the news, and the surgically enhanced and slightly sad appearance of the frequently nude extras on the internet. Doing so can also save me the 90 minutes I wasted on this unnecessary and sadly all too calculated dross.
Unnecessary violence is only creative when the edge is taken off by crazy special effects or moments of comedy – this film has neither. The remainder is an unrelentingly boring stream of violence, brutality and rape; and then violent, brutal rape. Tack on some soft-core lesbian scenes, casual racism and ridiculous macho dialogue and I wonder how the director forgot to include midgets in here somewhere. I bet he’s kicking himself.
Final Rating – 3.5 / 10. A lazy combination of elements purpose built to shock, only the dearth of creativity and the incessant barrage of mind numbing depravity provides an outcome that is dull, dull, dull.
Dumb tons of no fun.
Everyone has one film that they take greater pride in not seeing. For a long time mine was ET, even though everyone else had seen it and was incredulous that I could possibly not be concerned at not having watched it it took me until the 20 year anniversary release to catch it for myself.
Please. I am begging you, make yours Tank Girl.
This asinine lamentable piece of cinematic detritus was so laughably-non-laughable on every level that I couldn’t look away. Even though every millisecond of viewing hurt my tiny brain in ways that I can’t imagine.
The world is screwed. Water scarce.
Mu-tants n waste-lands.
E-vil group con-trols mass-es.
En-ter Tank Girl. Punk-ish skank.
All spunk n mox-ie
Sass-y and ir-rev-er-ent.
This Waste-Land is laugh free
Worse still cringe-worthy
I loathed each cru-ddy mom-ent
Lori Petty has an annoying voice to start with. When you take an annoying voice and have it spout such misguidedly bland quips throughout so many tacky and vomitous scenes it somehow magnifies the level of unlikability to amazing new heights.
Shoehorn in some pathetic grrrrl-power scenes that culminate in a musical number featuring several hookers/strippers (‘You go G-string girls!’) and meritless attitood up the ying-yang and you have my contender for the worst movie of all time.
Then you have Ice-T show up as a half-man half-kangaroo???
Look I know I just gave the above film a one but that had a budget of three unemployment cheques and half a pack of cigarettes. Tank Girl apparently had a budget of 25M and then used that dosh to highlight toddler humour passed off as wit… and Ice-T is a fucking kangaroo!
The only partially redeeming quality was that Portishead and Bjork were on the alterna-heavy soundtrack. I can drag out the ipod to listen to those and not have my eyes bleed and my head hurt from watching this drivel.
Final Rating – 1.5 / 10. The sad thing is that in between the desperately unfunny live action there were some snippets of animation featuring Ms Tank Girl that were actually amusing and provided the only things that passed for entertainment in this whole shit sandwich.
Possibly the most depressing month or so in bad movies yet. I wouldn’t recommend Tank Girl to my worst enemy, Bloodwood Cannibals is simply pathetic in all respects so I feel safe that no-one will ever hear from it again anyway, and Nude Nuns will hover at the top of DVD racks awaiting the unsuspecting and unfortunate renter silly enough to ponder if it might actually be OK.