It was a while back as I recall, and the day was bright and sunny. I remember mainly because I really wanted a RC car and the day would have been perfect for it…
But no, I get a fully operational, learning robot, flesh over metal exoskeleton, programmed to obey only my command. At first I threw a tantrum – you know because of the RC car thing – but even I had to reluctantly admit that it looked cool on the instructions.
I just wish that it arrived fully assembled and ready to go, but my folks said that cost extra, which was also the reason they didn’t stump up for the liquid metal T-1000.
Parents and their feeble excuses!
A few days after I finally had to acknowledge that this was as good as I was gonna get this birthday. So I built the frame and spent the next few days doing nothing – tedium tinged with anticipation – because the instructions said that the human tissue would take a week or so to ‘come in’ and integrate itself to the robot host.
This tissue generation delay is generally standard, but it was exacerbated by my choice of outer flesh design; more flesh = more time, time necessary because I had decided that I would use my new toy to take out down big names – no school teachers or local bullies for me – so I needed my Termie to be welcomed with open arms anywhere on the planet, regardless of the usual security measures. More importantly as a time travelling assassin that I planned to send back up to 20 years into the past I had to be sure that they would be recognisable all the way back to the late 80s.
I pondered various choices before finally twigging to the fact that the perfect model had been staring most of the Earth’s population in the face for decades.
Oprah-Bot
Even though the real Oprah threw me a solid last year by retiring, I still couldn’t even take her out in public before she was 100% ready for fear of attracting unwanted attention and overwhelming the poor cyborg, potentially creating an impromptu photo op or bloodbath – have you ever heard of someone taking their T-800 out before it was ready? Thought not.
So in my study Oprah T-800 stayed. I whiled away the time teaching her slang and basic social acclimatisation techniques that the real Oprah might exhibit, like ignoring autograph requests, faking polite smiles, embracing strangers when cameras are present and generally being incredibly loud and yelling at inappropriate moments. Things I’ve seen work over the years.
But eventually he was ready to go. I was happy with my final version, she is (as) compact (as she’s gonna get), granted entry to the entire globe and a damn sight easier to maintain than the real Oprah. This made carrying out basic T-800 type tasks very simple, you know, assassination stuff.
I mean surely you’ve seen that in the last year or three since Oprah ‘retired’ more than a couple dictators and tyrants have been dropping with monotonous regularity? Of course each time someone pops up their big dumb head and takes the credit, but that’s cool, the longer me and my Oprah-Bot T-800 stay under the radar the more we can get done.
However the real work still lies ahead, the dictators have made life easier for their respective countries, but my plan is to make life easier for the entire world. Lofty aims I admit, but with a few well selected targets I am sure we can achieve it.
The goal is to increase First World IQ’s by 7% per person by 2015. That said she’s my T-800, so I don’t see how anyone could begrudge me tacking on a few more self-indulgent choices to be handled on our off days. The good thing is once the media gets new of a few key hits word will get around and society will be on its toes for a while.
This is but the first draft, and BTW I take requests. Everyone should have their own time Oprah shaped travelling humanoid robot assassin from the future – if only for a few days.
The T-800 Hit List
Let’s start with an easy one.
Who?
Fergie
Why?
Bridging the Gap was a truly great hip-hop album and saw the Black Eyed Peas instantly elevate themselves into the elite category. Time to consolidate and improve right? Wrong, immediately after this happens they decide to add a new fresh element in an obnoxious female singer more concerned with fame and $ than the actual music.
No-one fucks with my favourite bands.
When?
Two seconds after Will.I.Am gave her the good news, hopefully this would prevent them from deciding to try again.
What will it cost us?
NOTHING musically. Really only a couple music videos with her jumping around in skimpy shorts, images like that can only be found in… well only every other music video made. The opportunity to cheer when the bitch died in Planet Terror, (though it would have saved us from the rest of her ‘performance’.
What will it save us from?
Multi-Platinum aural vomit, hours of auto-tuned pus at a time. Plus it might not have allowed Will.I.Am to gain widespread success and go down the Pharrell route of sellout guest appearances, animated voice roles and lazy repetitive lyrics.
Who?
Whoever invented ‘Reality TV’
Why?
The late 90s saw the arrival of stuff like Survivor, MTV’s Real World and Big Brother, all shows seeing how (really) ordinary people would react if thrust into certain situations. This has since evolved to the point where every moron in the US has a personal camera following them around to immortalise their every carefully written and choreographed move. Last year this lead to an extremely lucrative fake wedding and a bunch of people winning awards, only to be already forgotten by the very teenagers (and older people who should know better) that voted for them.
When?
Tough one, but I think if the debut season of Survivor truly became an exercise in staying alive with the perpetual fear of being slaughtered by an Oprah shaped cyborg word would get around quick, and the number of eager volunteers would quickly dry up for Season 2. (The funny part is I would most definitely watch that show – and no-one loathes Reality TV more than me.)
What will it cost us?
So if I give you a few moments to name the ‘stars’ such an action might bring. Which big name actors would it have prevented from rising? The ‘biggest’ singer reality TV has created is Kelly Clarkson – and I only sorta mean cos she’s fat.
I can wait… waiting… waiting…
Importantly I still feel fame hungry whores would still strive for renown, so I am sure Kim Kardashian would have made her sex-tape for publicity. There is no downside here.
What will it save us from?
This is the one action that I think would raise global IQs more than any other. We have a society that currently embraces morons, they are on the cover of every magazine, promoting every second unnecessary product and idolised by the most impressionable demographics that we as adults should be striving to prevent from becoming mindless automaton consumers.
Worse still the gormless, naive and unfortunate people who line up to be mercilessly poked, prodded and humiliated in the name of a few moments screen time actually seem to believe that this is something to aspire to. Perhaps nothing is sadder than that.
PLUS: Simon Cowell who? Ryan Seacrest who? Talkshows would be freed up to talk to creative people with talent… or movie stars and supermodels. Donald Trump would only be that bloated self important business-dick that everyone still hates. We would only be able to name one Kardashian because of her ass. Hugh Hefner, Hulk Hogan, Paula Abdul, David Hasselhoff could shrink back to anonymity with dignity.
Who?
Tom Cruise
Why?
I hate Tom Cruise. His Scientology stuff is creepy at best and his fake smile and forced ‘genuine sincerity’ have always shit me. And he hasn’t made a single film that I consider necessary, but in Days of Thunder, Top Gun and Cocktail are overrated tripe.
When?
This one is perfect. He comes to us!
2005 – Cruise blabbers his fake non-gay love for Katie Holmes, jumps up and down a few times on the big couch. Sits, and grins his inane grin for a few seconds before… Oprah-Bot (who has replaced real Oprah in the ad-break) draws her pistol and ‘boom’ on national TV.
And after the couch jumping bullshit not one person would complain or press charges after the death of the world’s most famed Scientologists, not a suddenly relieved Katie Holmes who stands to inherit at least most of his estate, nor Nicole Kidman who no longer has to cover up the gay rumours. Remember that after all it was Oprah who pulled the trigger, and she is always right…
What will it cost us?
Not a thing for me.
What will it save us from?
The fawning that donning a fat suit, swearing a few times and dancing a stupid dance garnered after Tropic Thunder. His Groundhog Day emergence every couple years to smile his fake smile, feign his intense attention and blather like a pretentious git, all to promote his latest shitfest (that will no doubt rake in millions of housewive’s dollars).
Nope never heard of him.
Who?
Rob Schneider
Why?
Because he exists, and this very existence creates an imbalance in the universe that must be remedied.
When?
The day before I heard about him the first time. This would mean my first intro to Rob Schneider would be as follows:
- Someone: “Hey have you heard of Rob Schneider?”
- Me: “No.”
- Someone: “He’s an actor.”
- Me: “Oh.”
- Someone: “Oprah killed him yesterday.”
- Me: “Wow…”
And then I could go on with my life.
What will it cost us?
Only this amazing beatdown by Roger Ebert, the hands down funniest review in movie history and the reason I am an Ebert acolyte to this day. I see no other downside here.
What will it save us from?
Let’s break this down. His two HIGHEST rated films are Muppets from Space (which wouldn’t have suffered one zack if he wasn’t available) and Demolition man – and he has over THIRTY film credits that garnered lesser acclaim.
Who?
Jennifer Lopez
Why?
She’s like totally guilty of being Jennifer Lopez.
When?
The day after she filmed the booty short scene in Out of Sight, her first, last and only worthwhile act for mankind – (with the emphasis on man).
What will it cost us?
Wondering for decades whether that chick from Out of Sight that Oprah killed was an actual talent or merely an untalented idiot with a big arse.
What will it save us from?
Realising for decades that the chick from Out of Sight who sings, dances and acts is truly awful at all of those things, and a reprehensible human being to boot.
Who?
Shia LeBeouf / Christian Bale / Alec Baldwin / Mel Gibson etc
Why?
Many Big Name Stars were workaday schmos like you and I at one point in their lives, without the limos, supermodels and general adulation that they became used to once they made it. They were waiters and waitresses, fast food staff, video shop employees, truck drivers, sportsmen, rappers and in some cases criminals. What this suggests to me is that acting isn’t that hard if you have a bit of ability and self confidence.
The actors that genuinely appreciate how lucky they are and remain humble are fine. Enjoy yourself, spend your money and set up your family. The egomaniacal overpaid turds who expect normal citizens to fawn over them and drop everything to be at their beck and call however…
Fuck ‘em.
When?
The second time they utter the phrase “Don’t you know who I am?” to a lesser citizen. All of us are prone to frustration, annoyance and basic stupidity on occasion, so I’ll allow the first “Don’t you know who I am” as a one-off vent. Hopefully an apology is immediate to the recipient and the deliverer of the line is genuinely regrets their moment of dickness.
But if not, the second time is proof that they are a dick; and in steps Black Death.
What will it cost us?
Depending on when common sense ends and the ego takes over, this one might smart a little.
Anyone who has had a verbal crack at another actor or a politician or celebrity; who cares? Anyone who abused themself with drugs or alcohol; who cares? Punched a paparazzo? Good for you, here’s a lollypop.
It’s when they vent on the normal innocent people in society that Oprah-Bot steps in.
Christian Bale is bold, daring and a fine actor who has a CV the envy of many. But apparently from time to time he is also a dick. And rules is rules.
Alec Baldwin was in Glengarry Glen Ross, The Departed, Beetlejuice and Hunt for Red October, all quality stuff too.
Mel Gibson was in Mad Max 1 and 2 (we’ll ignore 3) and the Lethal Weapon series. Fortunately – at least to the public – his transgressions occurred after the release of all of those films, and if before Lethal Weapon 4 all the better.
Lindsay Lohan, Denise Richards and Shia LeBeouf can burn.
What will it save us from?
A pack of self-aggrandising, chest puffing prima-donnas who think the fact that they can remember a few lines in a row and look good on camera entitles them an exemption to the standard niceties in society that apply to the rest of us.
Who?
Jimmy Fallon (Or whoever in the production team that was responsible for…
Why?
… hiring The Roots to be his late night TV show house band. No probs with the skills and integrity of The Roots – and who can blame them for gettin’ paid? – but a late night house band for a guy not named Craig Ferguson or Jimmy Kimmel? That’s asinine and beneath them.
When?
At the development meeting the very second before the guilty party said “What about The Roots?”
What will it cost us?
Who knows? The late night gig is a sideline anyway. The only thing I can think of is the occasional jam with guest rappers, but I long ago stopped watching this show anyway.
What will it save us from?
Just the fact that one day some innocent will be asked if they have heard of The Roots and reply ‘oh you mean Jimmy Fallon’s band?’
Who?
Parents (usually the Mums) responsible for entering their toddler-daughters in these beauty pageants.
Why?
Didn’t you read that sentence? Haven’t you seen – or at least heard of – these shows?
When?
Before every pageant the parents must sit an interview with Oprah (Bot), and who would refuse? Oprah-Bot will ask “Who is the driving force behind entering these events?”
Any parent who replies “Oh it’s all her. She just loves these things and is we’re only here to support her”. OR ANY VARIATION! Gets shot in the back of the head. Two times.
What will it cost us?
From the looks of things a few future hookers. (Remember I’m trying to prevent this from happening.)
What will it save us from?
A few future hookers and teenage suicides by parent-hating kids who were too young to make their own decisions.
Who?
Michael Jackson
Why?
A combo of bad music, bad plastic surgery and bad behaviour involving kids.
When?
The second the first tape/CD or LP of Dangerous is pressed. His work is done. Time to see if plastic nostrils decompose.
What will it cost us?
This would prevent the Scream video with sister Janet, so we’d miss Janet pushing her breasts together a lot while yelling. Michael released 16 singles after Dangerous, name two… (I already gave you Scream)
What will it save us from?
You mean aside from the kiddie fiddling and dangling infants off balconies? How about increasingly mediocre generic sounding music. Embarrassing duets and guest appearances with artists who shouldn’t have been allowed in same room. The melodrama surrounding his death/murder that went on for years and robbed him of a dignified exit.
Who?
*Sob* Jackie Chan
Why?
Because unfortunately Jackie has proven unable to know when to quit. Quality actors are fortunate in that there will always be a movie-role somewhere that caters to your age group. The same thing can’t be said for action stars, and though Jackie has improved over the years he is hardly a quality actor, at least when they are given the material Jackie has been laden with for over a decade.
When?
We’d use considerable discretion here, the night of the Shanghai Knights wrap party Oprah-Bot would sneak in for a ‘This is Your Life’ style career achievement event. Once that concluded she would sneak in an undetectable poison into Jackie’s system in a syringe secreted in one of those giant mammaries through a photo opportunity embrace system.
The show would go out that night to the usual massive audience that Oprah demands, the legendary Jackie Chan would pass away in his sleep that night. What celebrity could go out on better terms than that even if they were allowed to script it themselves?
What will it cost us?
Since 03 Jackie’s best work has been his native language stuff – hands down (ignoring voiceover work for the Kung Fu Panda movies, where you could hardly understand him anyway). At my count 4 of his best 5 movies since were non-English, none of them being a patch on any of his Top 10 all time films. The other film was the OK but hardly necessary Karate Kid remake.
What will it save us from?
The Medallion. The Spy Next Door. Rush hour 3. Me wondering if he will make another film of the calibre of those three again and punching myself…
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That’s the first run. With down time to recharge batteries should see Oprah-Bot nearly as busy as her real life counterpart before she stepped away from the spotlight.
But celebrities and non-celebrities have a tendency of giving me the shits, so perhaps later this year or next I might drag my precious Oprah-Bot from storage and rain down terror on another helpless batch of celeb-scuzzbags.
Until then, feel free to send in suggestions.
OGR
