Best CDs of the 90s – A Global Focus

A few months ago I decided that the 90s had too many classic albums for me to just label the ten best, so I split the Australian artists from the Rest of the World and posted that edition HERE.

The first album I ever owned was purchased in 88 or 89, the years prior to that saw me happy enough to listen to whatever was given to me, be it compilation tapes or just listening to the radio. It is fair to say that it took some time to decide what I liked, so the initial few years had me finding my feet and sorting out between what I did and didn’t like.

The 90s saw me hit my stride and define my tastes, in fact by the end of the 90s my tastes were so well defined that in the dubbos as music changed I refused to move with it, I have hardly purchased an album in the last 10 years that didn’t find its origins in the 90s or earlier, examples of my last few buys:

Artist Album Origins (Started in…)
Hoodoo Gurus Purity of Essence 80s
People Under the Stairs Carried Away 90s
Mark Seymour Daytime and the Dark 80s / 90s Solo
James Reyne The Best 80s / 90s Solo
The Roots How I Got Over 90s
Big Boi Sir Luscious Leftfoot 90s
Living Colour The Chair in the Doorway 80s

That’s just the last few months, almost… not almost, ALL of the artists either found fame in the 90s or before, I discovered them all in that decade, along with hundreds of artists long since retired or defunct.

The 90s saw me leave school, get a job, move from home, live with a bunch of scaly mates, drink way too much and ultimately move in with my then girlfriend, now wife and buy our first home. In short it was a busy decade, I started a 15 year old dipshit and ended it as a home-buying, quasi-career having, de-facto-residing dipshit.

So which albums out of the literally hundreds are the most notable from that halcyon decade? I could ramble through 50 very, very good ones but here are 10 that stand out.

Beastie Boys – Check Your Head

So the big boys lead off. To paraphrase Song 1 from this album “This is the first review, in the Best International CDs of the 90s!”

That will mean nothing unless you have heard the album, and if you even dabble in hip-hop you should have.

The Beasties started as teenage loudmouth drunken yobs that were reviled by critics and the mainstream. Now they are wizened 40-something Buddhists and legends of an entire genre of music, pioneers that have been studied, honoured and copied for decades. Somewhere in between those polar opposites lies their best work.

I can’t be bothered arguing the toss between Check your Head and Paul’s Boutique, 15 years ago I would have plumped for Paul, now I am a CYH devotee.

I think PB was more groundbreaking at the time of release, but CYH has held up better and still works best when played loud.

The singles and obvious highlights are still brilliant but the throwaway tracks and quasi-filler that elevate the album, not bad when your lesser tracks are better than most top selling singles of the era.

Professor Booty, Finger Lickin’ Good and The Maestro might not be household names, but they are the icing on the sundae if the album already contains Pass the Mic, Jimmy James and So Watcha Want?.

Get well soon MCA.

Living Colour – Time’s Up

Living Colour lit the match with Vivid and the still awesome Cult of Personality, Time’s Up saw the flame burn bright and unfortunately Stain saw it peter out and die. If Living Colour had a relevance chart it would be a triangle ^. The pinnacle is of course Time’s Up. (Vivid and Stain aren’t bad either, just not in the ballpark in a direct comparison.)

Everyone knows Love Rears up its Ugly Head, but this album is scintillating from start to finish. The thrash metal of the opening track isn’t indicative of the remainder of the album, which is a shame because it definitely would have had many buyers second guessing their purchase at the time, some of whom might not have hung around for the 60 minutes of brilliant heavy rock that followed.

Vernon Reid was at the peak of his guitar slinging powers, Corey Glover a dominating front man with a towering voice (and natty brightly coloured wetsuits that he wore to gigs onstage!) and the rhythm section of Muzz Skillings and Doug Wimbish rock solid.

No catchy guest vocalists (aside from a great cameo from Queen Latifah) and no dud tracks or filler.

At the time of Time’s Up’s release I wasn’t into any one genre, in fact at that stage I think my tape collection might have included Jimmy Barnes, INXS, Young MC, Vanilla Ice and Gloria Estefan (I liked one of her songs). Time’s Up opened my eyes to millions of possibilities, I started watching Rage late at night instead of the morning (the night had far edgier stuff).

Without Living Colour there may have been no Fishbone, Wu-Tang, Cannibal Ox, Urge Overkill or Tricky in my collection. If there is a moral to that it is to find what you like you have to test yourself first rather than follow the mainstream path to Ke$ha and Britney.

Massive Attack – Mezzanine

I bought Blue Lines early, I ordered it on the strength of Safe From Harm and Unfinished Sympathy. I didn’t “discover” it because someone told me about it (and I am proud of that). I have subsequently had many arguments with TOG as to which early Massive album was better, Blue Lines or Protection (Blue Lines!).

Then Mezzanine was released and it represented a significant departure from both albums, samples were practically gone, there was far more live instrumentation (especially guitar) and it just all seemed… angrier.

It took me a minute to decide if I liked the new Massive, and only a minute. Angel still slays me and inspires me to crank the volume until the windows rattle, Group Four and Dissolved Girl are still amazing and Inertia Creeps keeps hinting that it should be somewhere in my all time top 10. (For some reason it never gets in.)

Massive have only toured Perth twice as far as I am aware, I went both times. The first gig happened in Metros nightclub in the city, there might have been 600 people in attendance elbow to elbow and they played 75% of Mezzanine on the night. It was too loud, too bass heavy and the vocals were a little muddy and I couldn’t have gone away happier.

This year they toured here with Heligoland, which sounded better live than on CD. The band was set up outdoors across a small pond for scenery’s sake at King’s Park, and while it all went OK there was no link. It was more a bunch of guys playing loud songs across some water, the intimacy was gone. (It didn’t help that Martina Topley Bird was the opener and sucked big time, surprising given the fact she has a few good songs.)

The difference in the gigs is that even at their most languid Massive can make some of the most compact and intense music, there is a genuine sense of urgency across Mezzanine, it is both restrictive and insistent, an album for the claustrophobic.

And all anyone remembers is Teardrop.

Outkast – Aquemini

I went to the US for a 6 week holiday in 2001. We visited the Grand Canyon, some theme parks, Niagara Falls, heaps of monuments and went to half a dozen NBA fans, (Spree for the game!).

Six things I remember about my American trip:

1/ A LOT of fat people, as in LAAAAARRRRGE, we tried taking a “fat person of the day” photo, but gave up when there were too many candidates.

2/ Watching Vince Carter win Slam Dunk contest on TV in a hotel in San Francisco. I’ve watched a lot of Dunk contests, that will never be topped. I was also drinking my first 40 oz bottle of (King Cobra) beer. (Two actually.) I always wanted to drink a “40” and felt that was my chance.

3/ Hearing David Gray’s Please Forgive Me in a jukebox in a nearly deserted bar also in San Francisco. We were killing a few minutes when I swear the thing turned on by itself, I wondered “Who the hell is this?” and wandered over to look.

The next day I bought White Ladder.

4/ Dale Earnhardt died when we were on the East Coast somewhere. I only vaguely knew who he was at the time as Nascar has no presence in Australia, I knew all about him by the time we left. He was like royalty.

5/ Going via a packed subway to a shopping centre in Washington DC by day = No dramas. Going home late at night on the same subway = Shit scared.

6/ Hearing Outkast’s Ms Jackson 147 times in 6 weeks. On the radio in taxis. On every bus we went on. In shopping centres. At each and every NBA game I went to. EVERYWHERE!

I wrote Outkast off because of Ms Jackson. (oooh!)

The critics at the time talked the album up and declared it one of the best ever, and the album flew off the shelves. I was a full fledged hip-hop head by this time, desperately searching for new sounds and artists, trawling music shops all over the country. I ignored it all.

In fact until Stankonia came out I had never even heard of Outkast, never knew about their albums or their singles. To this day I can’t understand why they slipped through my net for so long.

Don’t make the same mistake I did. Stankonia is actually Outkast’s 4th best album after the first three. The soaring high points are unfortunately contrasted by a couple of lows and some filler.

Aquemini though is the shit, if you took the lamentable Mamacita off the thing it would be vying very forcefully for best album of All Time honours.

As it stands that awful song knocks it down as far as “still one of the best ever anyway”, the rest is that good.

Reef – Rides

The Blur Vs Oasis argument never grabbed me… I hated both. Every so-called amazing British artist that was hailed as the savior of music (Kula Shaker, The Verve, Suede, Pulp, Menswear etc) and vanished just as quickly, no thanks.

As far as the UK goes in the 90s it was all Straight Outta Bristol – Massive Attack, Portishead and Tricky, which you might’ve guessed from this list.

More recent years have given me an appreciation for PJ Harvey, Ash… and Reef.

Rides was the exception that probably had nothing to do with the rule. I liked Consideration from Glow and bought a dodgy copy in Bali sometime in the late 90s, then thought nothing more about Reef until their third (I think) single Sweety from this Rides album.

Sweety is three or so minutes of simple pop with a hooky singalong chorus and some nonsensical “wobbalaw” yelps near the end, and damn it if I don’t love the song still.

A couple of weeks later I popped Rides into the car CD player, I think I dragged it out a couple of months later.

Just an amazingly consistent album with great song  after great song, they space out the loud ones and the quiet ones and the ballady ones enough so it never grows tired, and ends when it needs to. No “Let’s cram 3 more crap songs on here to get it to 15 so they think they get more value”, which I appreciate more and more, nothing worse than having to run to find the remote when “that experimental” song comes on.

I still listen to Sweety a lot, thankfully though I can listen quite happily to the 20 minutes on either side of it without tiring.

The Roots – Things Fall Apart

Getting the Jimmy Fallon show gig was the best and worst thing for The Roots, (money aside, I hope they get PAID).

The best because it gives them exposure to millions of new potential listeners (though if you watch the show it might soon be dozens).

The worst applies to those of us who already knew how good they were, as it kills me to watch then mug for the camera when they could be just grinding out more classic albums.

Despite this the new oft-delayed “How I got Over” = Very good. (More on that another day.)

Another success story from my US trip, I picked up Things Fall Apart somewhere along the trip, only we had too much stuff to carry and had to post a box full of knick knacks and assorted junk home. That included a bunch of CDs and a couple of DVDs.

Now, we were running on bare bones at that stage having spent way more than we expected along the way, and with the Aussie $ being at an all time low against the USD a can of Coke was costing us the equivalent of $6. So with finances tight we arranged for Last Class postage for the box of crap.

We were home 2 ½ months before we got it, and half the stuff was broken.

It was actually a little exciting, having been back a while and getting the CDs was like rediscovering them again, and in most cases I got to listen to these albums for the first time.

I already had Do You Want More?!? by that stage but had no clue that the massive leap in quality and consistency was on the way.

Things Fall Apart is head and shoulders above anything else The Roots have done, and I absolutely love some of their other stuff, Illadelph Half-life and Rising Down included.

The (slightly) commercial minor hit featuring Erykah Badu You Got Me took the press but is only a small part of what made the album so strong.

Black Thought was to that point only an MC, since Things Fall Apart he has become one of the most creative and consistent MCs around, even if he remains underrated.

Questlove’s drumming has always been rock solid and that is evident here, and no hip-hop group has ever used live instrumentation with the same success or quality as The Roots, not the Beastie Boys, not Common, no-one.

A Tribe Called Quest – The Low End Theory

I used to be in my car for at least an hour a day, I had a 6 stack CD player that I refilled twice each week at least. Now I work near home and it can take me a week to get through an entire album. As luck would have it I had the Tribe’s Anthology in the car yesterday and had to take a short trip to a client’s business so I got to listen the whole way through. I don’t need reminding of how many great songs they made over the duration but it’s always nice to be able to crank Award Tour, Electric Relaxation etc…

Neither of those songs appear on The Low End Theory, they are both from Midnight Marauders, another classic.

So why TLET?

Simple: Excursions.

When I first moved to the city I think I had three rap CDs, Gangstarr, Ill Communication, De La Soul is Dead and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy (I heard about it on Television – The Drug of a Nation). One of the women I worked with had a boyfriend who thought he was a bit edgy because he wore his hat backwards. They invited me around for dinner one night as a nice gesture to the new kid in the office and after a couple drinks he put TLET in the CD player, I think Q-Tip might have been up to his second bar of Excursions when I asked to borrow the album. I took it home that night.

A few months later the same guy stole about 15 of my CDs, broke up with the nice lady and started asking to borrow my car. I stopped talking to him after that.

But after buying this album for myself I went back and bought everything Tribe had done before or since, I just wish I stopped before The Love Movement.

Everyone knows Q-Tip is a far superior MC than Phife but it scarcely matters. You always know that if Phife opens the song Q-Tip will eventually bail him out anyway. Sometimes you have to listen to greatness alongside mediocrity to really recognize greatness.

And The Low End Theory is a great album. On top of that it introduced Busta Rhymes – “Raow-raow”.

(What is more surprising is the fact that Q-Tip without producer Ali sounds so rubbish. I bought his first solo album and listened to the more recent… not flash.)

Tricky – Maxinquaye

I have read that Tricky freely admits his mental state is best described as fragile. When he released Vulnerable he went out of his way in interviews to bag the former album Juxtapose, an album that I love. (Vulnerable sucked.)

In fact no-one on this list is as hot and cold as Tricky is, after this brilliant debut he released the difficult to listen to but still mostly amazing Pre-Millennium Tension, OK so far. Then came the atrocious Angels with Dirty Faces that I sold years before I sold any of my CDs (at the time I thought “You bought it – you keep it”, but Angels was too awful). Then came the aforementioned Juxtapose which I thought was a little more commercial but excellent and for a change consistent. Then came Blowback, again great with a couple of low points, Vulnerable (sucked big time) and Knowle West Boy (Meh, but at least he seemed to try).

So stay with me here, that is:

Brilliant – Almost Brilliant – Absolutely Awful – Very, Very Good – Patchy but Good – Absolutely Awful – OK.

Mariah Carey couldn’t sing with that range!

At least with Maxinquaye he was either just nuts enough or just sane enough to complete a brilliant album from start to finish. From the brilliant reimagining of Karmacoma (which in itself has 137 versions floating about) through the rare successful remake of Black Steel all the way to the underrated Brand New – You’re Retro this was totally different to anything released to that point.

At once familiar yet totally foreign, samples appear through the album but are generally impossible to pick, Martina Topley-Bird’s vocals are generally incredible and Tricky generally rasps along in the background, creating an unpredictable counterpoint to her melody.

Too frequently critics point to Tricky as being a genius lyricist, over his entire discography I am yet to see too many examples of this. So I guess he is very similar to Eminem in that respect.

Unlike Eminem Tricky is capable of greatness, and has created some exceptional albums in between either benders or moments of clarity, (whatever is behind Angels and Vulnerable).

Portishead – Dummy

This is the very album that introduced us to our next door neighbours in the 90s, as the window-pane rattling bass in practically every song reached their home, even if the rest of the song didn’t.

Portishead shouldn’t work, take a self-loathing and shy chain-smoking gravel-voiced chick that looks like an ugly man and have her sing lounge tunes over bass-heavy tracks laden with screeches, scratches, occasional staccato drums and repetitive samples. That’s just too many damn hyphens for normal bands to pull off!

Having bought and listened to lead singer Beth Gibbons’ solo-ish album I can tell you that while her vocals are a key ingredient they are not the strength of the group, that would be the production of the backing tracks which utilize such deep bass that when joined by Gibbon’s breathy vocals almost lull you to sleep.

This couldn’t be better emphasized if you listened to their reformation album Third of a couple years back, the repetition and bass are there, the vocals and “I am so sad” lyrics remain, but the bass is overpowered by industrial effects and long grinding sequences that are apparently inspired, but try listening to them for 6 and 7 minutes at a time!

Both Dummy and the self-titled follow up album sound very samey, in a good way. An argument could be made for either, I chose Dummy as it was the first, and also because the standout tracks Mysterons, Glory Box, Roads and Numb are just better than almost anything that Portishead managed to produce afterwards, with perhaps Mourning Air as an exception.

Portishead’s relevance to current music has waned, they are perhaps more than anyone on this list an example of a brief era where their music arrived at the appropriate time for that generation, similar to Good Charlotte and Blink 182, only with talent and quality songs instead of shitty hooks and whiny lead singers. (Let’s face it, I’d back a chain smoking mannish woman over the faux punk, regretfully-tattooed pussies in those bands any day.)

Wu-Tang Clan – Enter the 36 Chambers

There are too many Wu MCs to keep track of, as an indication of their dominance of the 90s and 00s I have done a rough count and discovered I own 20+ albums either by the Wu or their members, and I don’t mean guest artists either, I mean their name is somewhere on the spine of the album.

The unfortunate thing is that after 36 Chambers Wu never created anything as visceral, consistent or vital. Every track on this album is a classic from the first cheesy Kung-fu film sample to the closing “best protect ya neck” snippet that closes the album.

Meth might have come out of this album with the best reputation, he had a signature song on it after all and some of the best verses along the way, up until recently he also had the best solo career, though I think Ghostface has taken that prixe in recent years. RZA’s production was at its awe-inspiring best, before he let all that go to his head and decided that his shitty rhyming and vocals deserved greater prominence (they don’t, listen to Bobby Digital for proof, or better yet don’t), and of the remainder of the MCs they were all just happy to get a little shine on an actual album, before they were handed the keys to the studio to release a series of albums of decreasing quality.

The double album Wu-Tang Forever definitely had its moments, The W was quite good but patchy, Iron Flag was consistent but a couple notches down in quality and Eighth Diagram was surprisingly good coming out of the blue, but they all pale in comparison with Enter the 36 Chambers, massive beats, grimy lyrics and a bunch of adept MCs at their most hungry all taking turns, classic stuff.

Since then every rapper and his pit bull have had a shot at making the most “gangsta” album and generally failed. I personally can only think of Cannibal Ox’s only album The Cold Vein as anything as visceral and immediate as Enter the 36 Chambers, but Wu came first and blazed a path that almost no-one else was capable of following.

You can’t have a list without picking a winner so here is the final list in order:

  1. Mezzanine
  2. Aquemini
  3. Check Your Head
  4. Maxinquaye
  5. Rides
  6. Time’s Up
  7. Things Fall Apart
  8. Enter the 36 Chambers
  9. The Low End Theory
  10. Dummy

So that’s that, another list in the bag, hopefully someone might read this and decide to look up some of the albums or artists on here, if that is the case good luck and happy listening.

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Infestation

A Bug's Life 2: Flik's Revenge

Anaconda gave us a giant snake. Lake Placid crocodiles. Tremors gave us giant underground worms. Boa Vs Cobra gave us ludicrous giant snakes. King Kong made us afraid of CGI monkeys. Deep Blue Sea gave us giant smart sharks. Arachnophobia gave us millions of spiders

Infestation gives us giant bugs who have taken over the world, or at least part of it.

After some meaningless guff everyone who is gonna be in the film from here wakes up from an unexplained coma to find that the world has been overrun by giant bugs.

Most of our “heroes” awaken in an office building, where they are joined by other similarly confused punters. They decide to go outside…

Bad idea.

Plan 2 sees them joining up to head across town to the home of one of the characters, a guy named Cooper whose Dad is a crazed war veteran with an underground bunker where they should be safe.

Along the way the group end up as a 5-some, but really it is Cooper as the slacker office idiot and the daughter of his ex-boss (both because he was fired and because she was eaten) Sarah who matter, as from the start they are destined to be together. Sorry “the rest”, you are all bug food!

Sarah is taken by the bugs just before they reach Cooper’s pad, meaning he must save her before he turns on the lave lamp and throws all his best moves at her in his stale smelling bedroom where the walls are covered in posters (I’m just guessing he is like every other early 20s guy who still lives with his parents), so it is on to the nest!

Look this is a nice little low budget effort so the plot doesn’t matter once you’ve read the People Vs Giant Bugs bit. There are some creative creature effects, most notably the “hybrid” creatures that seem to use unwilling humans as hosts. Being a low budget flick it is also good to see that they covered some of the bare minimum elements that such a film requires.

Those include:

  • -         Bad jokes.
  • -         Boobies.
  • -         Violence.
  • -         Funny and gross creatures.

I liked the ending too, all in all this is an ideal mid week rental. You don’t have to think, your missus will shriek a couple times without ever being scared or too grossed out, and it doesn’t really matter if she falls asleep half way through. It also tops out at under 90 minutes.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. No-one behind this is walking up the steps to get an Oscar, but a creative genre piece that achieves its limited goals.

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The Blues Brothers

"It's 106 miles to Chicago..." You know the rest.

By now there’s a diminishing chance that you’ve seen the film, given that it’s 30 odd years old and good music doesn’t seem to be cool any more, judging by the charts.

Rather than a review: If you haven’t seen The Blues Brothers stop EVERYTHING and go see it.

Public service announcement out of the way I thought a running diary would be more interesting than “2 guys in black suits and sunnies try to reform a band for 2 ½ hours” stuff.

1st minute to 6th minute – The looong intro sequence that sets the tone as one Jake Blues gets outta tha joint. Complete with:

3rd minute – “Aaayyyy”

5th minute – “One soiled…”

7th minute – Jake and Elwood. Onscreen at last.

8th minute – Our verbal intro to the Bluesmobile, the third most important character in the film, leading to:

9th minute – The first demo of the Bluesmobile.

12th minute – The Penguin. Magic doors. Creaking floorboard. Bad language and corporal punishment.

15th minute – Curtis (Cab Calloway) sets out the Mission. “Slide on down to…”

17th minute – The Triple Rock. A sermon by Rev Cleophus (James Brown) where everything is said twice minimum, impromptu dancing, trampoline assisted spiritual elation and…

19th minute – “Do you see the light?” (“What light?”) “THE BAND!!!”

25th minute – “Shit!” “What?” “Rollers.” “Nah.” “Yep.” “Shit!” First car chase (of a great many.)

27th minute – “We’re on a mission from God”. That clears that up then.

28th minute – “Do you have Miss Piggy?” Carrr-assshhhh. Let’s hit the mall!

30th minute – Meet Carrie Fisher & her bazooka. (Notice I didn’t go with the innuendo laced “bazookas”? Classy.)

"Cheese Whiz Guy"

35th minute – “Did you get me my cheese-whiz boy?” (one of the more inexplicably placed cameos in cinematic history.)

40th minute – Meet Carrie Fisher & her dynamite.

43rd minute – The search for the band begins. “Are you the police?” “No Ma’am, we’re musicians.”

45th minute – Murph& the Magic-Tones are on board. 5 down. We’re over haklf way there, that was easy!

47th minute – Donald “Duck” Dunn offers his first slurred ramble. (Aaahhh non-actors.)

48th minute – Mr Fabulous. “Sell me your children.” He’s in.

53rd minute – The arrival of the Illinois Nazis.

55th minute – John Lee Hooker on Maxwell St. Not a big “moment”, I just like JLH.

58th minute – “Toasted white bread, 4 fried chickens… and a coke.”

60th minute – THINK! Matt “Guitar” Murphy (thoughtful nickname!) and Blue Lou are in (another cracking nickname. It rhymes!)

65th minute – Ray’s Music Exchange. Well shake a tailfeather we’ve got instruments!

71st minute – Meet Carrie Fisher & her flamethrower.

74th minute – Bob’s Country Bunker. “Chicken Wire?” The band runs pretty hot for not having practised three years.

Aaaaahhhh... What?

83rd minute – Donald “Duck” Dunn squeezes in another incoherent line. The “Real” Good Old Boys show up.

85th minute – Chase #2. “Boyyys, you in biiig trouble.”

88th minute – Maurice Slein. The Palace Hotel. Tomorrow.

90th minute – Promoting the gig. “It’s ladies night.”

92nd minute – “We’re outta gas.” Temptation for Elwood.

95th minute – The Show. (Pre show anyway.) Minnie the Moocher.

96th minute – “Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips.”

105th minute – The REAL gig. Best 2 song gig in cinematic history, the crowd got their two buck’s worth.

112th minute – The escape.

113th minute – No wait. Meet Carrie Fisher & her automatic machine gun.

115th minute – “LOCUSTS!”

116th minute – The T Shirt slogan “It’s 106 miles to Chicago. We’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes. It’s dark. And we’re wearing sunglasses.”

117th minute – “HIT IT!”

120th minute – First big pile up. “This is car number 55… we’re in a truck.”

124th minute – The BIGGGG pile up.

"I've always loved you."

124th & ½ minute – Enter the Illinois Nazis once more…

126th minute – Exit the Illinois Nazis for good.

130th minute – Everyone (and his tank) are on the case.

132nd minute – A Stevie Spielberg cameo. “Your receipt.” CLICK!

133rd minute – Jailhouse Rock and closing credits. The only film where the credits are played loud and uninterrupted EVERY TIME.

Final Rating – 10 / 10. The Blues Brothers is one of the precious few films out of the thousands I have seen that I feel achieved perfection. I have seen it over a dozen times and it never gets old. Nothing Dan Ackroyd has done is remotely as interesting or as brilliant, most of what has come since isn’t even good.

And let’s all agree that Blues Brothers 2000 doesn’t exist. I have never seen it, and never will.

You don’t need to if you own this DVD.

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Ali G Indahouse

Forget Will Ferrell and the Judd Apatow school of improv where actors get 5 and 6 goes at coming up with various punchlines in scenes (Ferrell usually makes his “hilarious” by yelling them out for no reason), try it unscripted and on the fly with a non-actor who may or may not punch you depending on their mood.

To that end I fully recognise that Sacha Baron Cohen is an improv genius, Borat and Bruno both proved that beyond doubt. (He was also the funniest thing in Madagascar 1 or 2 by far.) But the first character to bring him notoriety was Ali G, the wannabe black gangster-pimp who is actually a middle class white boy from Britain.

Perhaps it is because a lot of his comedy comes from shock value but I rarely choose to revisit the Bruno or Borat movies, they are far less cringe-worthy the second time round, and I was pretty surprised to find that this film had aged so poorly as I remembered it as a near classic.

Not now Mr G.

Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiight let’s go.

Ali G Indahouse opens with the best scene in the film, a dream sequence that sees Ali in his “natural habitat”, the Los Angeles mean streets, surrounded by bitches and beset on all sides by hard core playas determined to do him harm. Of course he pulls out his gat (or equivalent) and busts many caps indeed.

Cut to real life, Ali is actually a suburban dwelling gangsta-by-choice, with a similar posse of tossers (including Martin Freeman) in tow. They wear all yellow. Their nemesis gang is the East Staines Massive who wear blue and are equally (not) hard.

When the local government closes down the local recreation centre Ali decides to protest to keep it open. Fortunately the Deputy Prime Minister (Charles Dance) sees an opportunity to submarine the Prime Minister’s (Michael Gambon) standing and promptly announced that Ali G will be running for parliament in the local by-election.

Ali’s campaigning does not go well at all but a monumental gaffe in a televised debate by his opponent helps Ali become an unexpected success.

Once in parliament the continually ludicrously dressed Ali and his similarly ridiculous boasting are taken as the voice of a generation and he promptly joins the cabinet and becomes the PM’s go-to guy on all policy matters.

After brokering a peace treaty by utilising tea laced with natural ‘erbs Ali G is sacked, and the PM resigns when a tape of Ali boning his missus is released.

Of course Ali must break into the new PM’s office and fix shit.

Maybe I’m ten years older and this just isn’t as funny anymore, maybe it never really was. There are more chuckles in this than many other comedies, the recent Get him to the Greek and Date Night included, but no side-splitting moments of comedic brilliance.

There is a funny sms joke near the end and Charles Dance proves himself to be a good sport, but without the “this is real” edge supplied by Borat and Bruno this seems a little too try-hard.

I firmly believe though that Sacha Baron Cohen will make two or three truly brilliant comedies in years to come.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. It is telling that the two scenes with almost no relevance to the main plot are the funniest, that being the first 5 minutes and the last 5.

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Piranha 3D

...And it's titties.

This may be the first film review where the review is longer than the script that was to make it, in fact I think it took me longer to write this than it did to make the first 2/3 of the film, and don’t worry this will be brief.

Someone mentioned over a mouthful of sandwich one day “Alexandre how cool would it be if ancient fish came back and attacked Spring Break kids…?” and Mr Aje said “Stop right there! I’LL NEED 16M, WE START WEDNESDAY!

The plot is this: Ancient fish come back and attack a bunch of kids at Spring Break.

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There are thousands of vacuous party-idiots at Lake Victoria.
Idiots that need eatin’.

Among the boneheads is sleazy T&A filmmaker Derek (Jerry O’Connell), his cameraman and a couple of immaculately disproportioned young chickies to point the camera at.

A wide eyed young local boy of about 17 named Jake dodges babysitting after being conscripted for location finding duties (they then film the ladies underwater rendering the locations pointless I would have thought). Must’ve been a big choice for a 17 year old – “Sitting”. “Titties”. “Sitting”. “Titties.” “Oh who am I kidding?” His female fancy Kelly also hitches a ride to provide a damsel who will somehow attract a certain level of distress.

The babysittees are both about 8 and just independant enough to get themselves into trouble, and to cap it all off the local law enforcement seems to consist of Ving Rhames and Jake and the two kids mum (Elizabeth Shue gunnin’ for that second Oscar).

When seismic activity opens a fissure into a water-system, unleashing a species of long since thought extinct vicious cannibal piranhas anxious to try new taste experiences the plot goes out the window. Feeding time.

The last 20 odd minutes are a blood soaked orgy of shredded flesh and screaming teens.

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There are many boobie shots in the film but the film slows down enough to feature a couple of assets more prominently – and to be fair there is pretty good reason.

There are hundreds of kills but the film slows enough to feature a few of the more graphic, and with many deaths comes much gore, some computer generated and some good old fashioned effects: guy’s body through the floor kinda stuff.

I didn’t love Piranha 3D and it didn’t bring much new to the table, but it knew exactly what it wanted to be and was very efficient in that.

You don’t have to do much research to find out that there is a lot of flesh on display, both the good kind and the gore kind, this is where Piranha 3D excels, the only improvement might’ve been trying to put a couple more jokes into proceedings.

Piranha 3D ends up in the company of films like Dog Soldiers, Black Sheep and Zombieland, but two or three more decent rib-ticklers might have pushed this a little closer to classics like The Descent, Tremors and Slither.

Final Rating – 7.5 / 10. Piranha 3D is a fun horror film. Boob-induced hypnosis will keep the young blokes squirming in their seats until the bloodbath starts… and then it’s the dates turn to squirm.

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The Simpsons Vs South Park – A cinematic showdown

The Simpsons Movie

Ahhhh, The Simpsons, 20+ years and still going strong… well still going anyway.

I think breaking point for me came when I recently felt strongly enough about a new episode that I rang a friend to tell him that the new Simpsons episode was actually very good. That’s depressing when you think about it, especially considering that I’ve been watching it (and loving it) since Day 1. It’s been maybe 10 years since I could make that call and mean it.

So after nearly 20 years they decide to announce a movie at last, or realistically 10 years after at last. Once it finally did arrive though the film was pretty good, better than I expected early on… but as I will point out again and again momentum just couldn’t last.

Thanks to Homer (of course) Springfield has become the most polluted city in America, in an update on Escape from New York it is “domed off” with a giant glass object from which there is apparently no escape. The inhabitants of Springfield are, as the creator of the dome puts it, trapped like carrots.

It is the events leading up to the doming and subsequent escape that showed the most promise. All of the show regulars were shown but many seemed underutilised (Burns and Smithers get maybe 1 minute total). There are some quality jokes to be had, mostly due to Homer’s lack of parenting skills and people getting hurt. There is also some full Bartal nudity.

The guest star (if you can have one in a film, and I’m saying you CAN!) is Russ Cargill, the boss of the Environmental Protection Agency who places the dome to protect the Earth. He is voiced by Albert Brooks (Marlin himself!) and he gets most of the best lines in the movie, including the “trapped like carrots” one mentioned earlier.

Unfortunately though what ensues is strongly reminiscent of the show’s lifespan so far;

  • Great start.
  • Homer gets most of the laughs.
  • Marge is the voice of reason and the bringer of down.
  • Lisa has a subplot that goes nowhere.
  • Show runs out of momentum halfway and we must realise the best is behind us.

In fact I can now pinpoint the exact moment that the movie loses it…

35 minutes. Simpson family escapes the dome, Cargill orders around the clock surveillance, has a soft/tuff guy rant and admits to being drunk with power. It is a brilliant 30 seconds, unfortunately nothing after it comes close to being as good.

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The Simpsons are pariahs in their own town and flee to Alaska, only once happily ensconsed in Palin’s backyard they find out that Cargill has started to doubt his own dome and has a far more severe and permanent Plan B in mind for Springfield.

Marge and the kids set off to save the day while Homer searches for a deeper truth… which he finds when he meets a lady with giant boobs. Aren’t they always the answer.

In truth Giant boob-lady is just gimmicky and tacky, the Lisa’s new admirer bit was a waste of time aside from giving her a few minutes screen time and Marge has little to do in the film aside from doubt her marriage.

The first half was actually pretty great even if the only thing the dopey and impressionable remember is Spiderpig. If you watched the second half in isolation as two 20 minute episodes you would go away very unimpressed.

I still love The Simpsons, but boosting the first half of a film is a little like cheering when your sports team loses narrowly to a better opponent. An honourable defeat, but a defeat nonetheless. Despite that even though this is by no means classic it has enough good jokes and even sub-par Simpsons is still funny.

Final Rating – 7.5 / 10. All the bagging and a 7.5? As I said, average Simpsons is still pretty good. If you like The Simpsons: You will laugh. You will very likely enjoy this. (It just isn’t a patch on Season 3 through say 8.)

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut.

Matt and Trey were smarter with South Park. They made their film version when the show still had a lot of momentum, they also had an opportunity to be a little different in the cinema as even though Stan, Kyle Cartman and muffled Kenny were filthy little buggers they couldn’t get away with most of the swears that these little 8 year old wanted to say. In the movies? No fuckin’ worries.

The average South Park episode is better than the average Simpsons episode, has been for about 6 or 7 years. The problem is that when both at their very best The Simpsons is clearly head and shoulders above, only The Simpsons haven’t been at their best since the mid 90s. For those in their 20s this means there is a real chance that you swear black and blue that Family Guy and South Park kick The Simpson’s yellow arses.

Only at this time I am comparing the movies and letting them battle it out for 80 minute supremacy honours, not which show was better over the decades.

The South Park movie takes all the best SP bits, ludicrous premises, sheer genius stupidity, quality musical bits and smart and insightful messages delivered in a profane way by crude cardboard cutouts. Only South Park could take all this shit and have it even vaguely make sense.

They also pull the piss out of a lot of celebrities (not always the easy targets too) and have the best “post-scene” throw in jokes of any animated show, sometimes the joke has gone and you’re wondering if you just heard what you think you did.

This is a seriously short movie but it manages to cram an awful lot in.

(Assuming you know) the boys are going to see the new Terrance and Phillip movie, the romantic comedy (probably) “Asses of Fire”. Inspired by the flatulent antics and potty talk they head back to home and school and tell everyone all about it, in no uncertain terms.

After a brief brainwash where the profane tendencies are exorcised from their little cardboard bodies they promptly head back to the cinema for another look, afterwards Kenny is inspired by one of the stupid acts and accidentally lights himself on fire. As you can’t live with a baked potato in place of your heart the operation to save Kenny fails and he is sent to hell.

Everyone else is grounded, and Cartman gets a chip implanted in his head that emits and electrical shock if he swears.

Due to their role in the death Terrance and Phillip are arrested due to the shrill barkings of Kyle’s Mum and many other do-gooders, America goes to war on Canada (where T&P are from) after the Baldwins are bombed and T&P are scheduled for a very public execution during a big army show emceed by Big Gay Al.

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Meanwhile in Hell… Kenny meets Satan, who is shacked up with the recently killed Saddam Hussein (who wasn’t actually dead when the film was made), they announce that the spilling of innocent Canadian blood will allow Satan’s rise to Earth, where he can turn it into another level of Hell. Nice.

Kenny’s ghost comes back to warn the boys, who in a moment of clarity realise they must stop the execution. Fortunately the war, Satan’s rise and the big show where Terrance and Phillip are to be killed all happen in South Park. Lucky!

There are a myriad sub-plots and everything wraps up nice and neat, there aren’t really many high points but some of the many songs are extremely good, especially “Uncle Fucker” and “Kyle’s Mum is a bitch”. (What did you expect?)

Kenny finally took his hood off which I remember was a big deal apparently at the time, and the boys got to unleash every version and arrangement of the f-word ever thought of.

Final Rating – 8 / 10. Like South Park the TV show over the years. Consistent, full of laughs and good jokes with unlikely situations that somehow make sense. Just lacking that spark of inspiration to push it to greatness.

Square-off Summary

All in all. If I had to compare the two purely by the films South Park gets the nod because of the consistency and creativity. The Simpsons Movie started very well but ended up limping to the finish line.

So the South Park movie wins. (But The Simpsons is the better TV show thanks to the early years. The latter years have been stricken from the record. That’s why we have DVD you know.)

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Forgetting Sarah Marshall

After The 40 Year-Old Virgin R Rated comedies got their 15 seconds, this lead to some good stuff; Superbad, The Hangover. Some average; Knocked Up, I Love You, Man, some less than stellar but OK; Role Models, Pineapple Express and Walk Hard. And shit like Step Brothers and anything with Schneider.

One thing that bothers me is the recent insistence that every character have some seemingly nerdish or embarrassing trait before we can embrace them?

The 40 Year-Old Virgin – Um everything, he’s a 40 YOV. OK action figure collecting and online gaming.

Superbad – He drew dicks. Millions of dicks.

Knocked Up – He was in a fantasy baseball league.

I Love You Man – Fencing. (Acting like a big girl?)

Role Models – That live action role playing thing.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall fits in alongside Superbad, though it is not quite as funny. The nerdish thing(s) that Peter does include wearing tracky-dacks for days at a time and writing musicals for puppets to perform.

**** For the record – I do many of the nerdiest things. I am in multiple fantasy sports leagues. I have action figures even though I am in my 30s. I collect footy cards. I play computer games, though not online, and I wear trackies almost constantly when I am at home. No drawing dicks all day though. ****

Peter (Jason Segal) is dating Sarah (Kristen Bell), has been for a long time. Peter is supposedly nerdy (refer above) while Sarah is hot and famous.

Sarah dumps Peter.

Peter shows his doodle and pleads for her to come back. Sarah then says she is already seeing someone else.

Peter is very sad.

After the obligatory “Peter tries out a bunch of skanks” montage, which at least allowed the filmmakers to add Bill Hader as his step-brother, Peter decides to take some time off and heads to Hawaii to recharge the batteries.

The holiday is unplanned, he literally gets on a plane and arrives at the airport without any other structure. So the first hotel Peter gets to is fully booked, and who do you think shows up?????
That’s right Aldous Snow the famous rocker… No wait, I haven’t told you about him yet. Sarah Marshall his ex-missus, that’s it. She is there with her new beau Aldous Snow the famous rocker (Oh so that’s where he comes into it!) and they are celebrating their new love in paradise.

Peter is understandably unsettled by this unexpected (but totally expected) turn of events, and imagine his surprise when the desk clerk Rachel (Mila Kunis) helps out by allowing him to stay rent free in one of the more luxurious suites, happens all the time right? I mean she has that power. Who else wouldn’t risk their job for someone they never met before?

I bet you would!

As Peter continues feeling sorry for himself and boozing his way through the week he keeps bumping into the new happy couple which depresses him more, and other guests and staff try to cheer him up which leads to encounters with Jonah Hill and Paul Rudd, and more and more meetings with Rachel.

Peter learns that Aldous Snow is actually quite cool, as well as being a world famous rock star he is a recovering addict and a pretty nice guy, which shits him. He also finds out that Aldous and Sarah have a past that goes a little further back than he first thought, that shits him more.

As Peter gets along better with Rachel a mistimed polite gesture becomes an awkward double date, with both chicks trying to one up each other. (For the record: Mila by a mile, even if she has absolutely no arse.)

Forgetting Sarah Marshall definitely has its share of potty talk and there are some dirty bits for the grown ups, but in the main it is kept pretty light and likable. Thankfully there are no fluid or put down jokes that seem to be the thing these days.

As well as being pleasing and almost constantly funny Forgetting Sarah Marshall managed a few other notable things:

  • -         It announced the seemingly ever-present Russell Brand.
  • -         It showed Mila Kunis as more than merely Meg’s voice, but that she is hot, friendly and spunky, a pretty winning combo.
  • -         It showed Jason Segal can carry a film, he even made I Love You, Man seem more fun than it was.
  • -         It showed that Kristen Bell is harmless enough but imminently forgettable, even now writing this I had to imdb her name as it slipped me.

Aside from the much publicised doodle showing and some low key sex scenes Forgetting Sarah Marshall is basically a feel good comedy. There is little to detest or recoil at, and even if you don’t agree with Aldous Snow’s philosophy on women it’s still pretty hard to dislike the guy.

I still haven’t seen Get Him to the Greek, I plan to but can’t shake the feeling they’ll somehow fuck it all up, (Jonah Hill, your 15 seconds are soon over!).

Final Rating – 8 / 10. Throwaway fun with jokes aplenty and a beautiful backdrop, both Hawaii and the two leading ladies.

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Centurion

When you want to look like Outlander you're aiming low.

Every now and then a relative unknown makes a film that shows a great deal of promise and creativity, depending on how good the film is I occasionally make a mental note to hunt down the next film they make and see what they come up with.

Sometimes the results are good (Park Chanwook – “Sympathy for Mr Vengeance”, Christopher Nolan – “Insomnia”), sometimes not.

A few years back a small horror film called Dog Soldiers got a couple good reviews so I looked it up, it was ok/not great but solid enough to get the internal sticky-note embedded inside my skull. A couple years after that came The Descent, and if you’re reading this website there’s a fair chance you already know about that.

Neil Marshall seemed to have “the goods”.

Then came Doomsday, OK he overstepped the mark but I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt due to the credits in the bank…

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Now Centurion, or should I call it The Descent 2?

But there is already a sequel to that film I hear you say, and I acknowledge that. But while The Descent 2 was so faithful it was almost a remake, Centurion too is eerily similar in many respects.

OK so this is set in ancient Rome and not a cave = different, but let’s keep going;

The Descent – 6 people are isolated by circumstances and beset by enemies.

Centurion – 7 people are isolated by circumstances and beset by enemies.

The Descent – While on the run one of the party suffers a graphic broken leg.

Centurion – Ditto.

The Descent – The leaders of the attackers are vicious and unintelligible.

Centurion – Ditto.

The Descent – To escape one of the survivors willingly and perhaps unnecessarily sacrifices another.

Centurion – Ditto.

OK one similarity = fair enough, 2? = pushing it… But 4 key plot details practically the same and it reeks either of a lack of inspiration or laziness.

The cast... Wait - now I'm confused.

Centurion follows a small band of Roman soldiers isolated from the main army and caught deep in enemy territory. It is very violent but obviously CGI assisted – this is starting to reduce the visceral impact for me when pinkish blood spurts out in blatantly computerised fashion – and features a couple of good original scenes, but there is just too many similarities that remind you of a former – and much, much better – movie.

Oo-er Missus.

Even if you are ripping yourself off it still is a little dishonest. The use of supposed rebel hottie fighters is excusable except for the fact that they really only get into one stoush, hard to justify just how awesome they are if they take on an enemy in lesser numbers.

There are some sweeping vistas and exciting camerawork that reminded me a lot of the Lord of the Rings in terms of scenery, but the comparisons ended there.

If you want to watch a movie about  a small group attempting to elude vicious assailants rent The Descent, better yet buy it.

If you want to watch the same thing only nowhere near as good you might check this out. Just let it be known that if Neil Marshall lived in the US he might be named Zack Snyder, whether you think that is a good thing or not is up to you.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. Neil Marshall keeps coming up with fanboy-friendly plots and settings, but it seems he left the best of his ideas behind in The Descent. One more chance Mr Marshall.

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Slither

Comedy doesn’t have to be all “why did the chicken…” or “my gosh I can’t believe Jason Biggs just drank that!” all the time. Sometimes it can be the compounded effect of a series of elements and incidents so absurd that you can’t help but laugh… If done well that is.

Infestation recently made a valiant attempt at eliciting yuks from the “yuck”, poorer efforts include Trailer Park of Terror, Doghouse, Lesbian Vampire Killers and Dead Sno. It seems that lately there are almost as many comedy/horror combos than there are straight horror flicks.

But when we are talking “All-Time” stuff we really need to narrow our scope down to the following:

  • -         Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn.
  • -         Army of Darkness: Evil Dead 3
  • -         Shaun of the Dead.
  • -         Tremors

(And I’ll allow “An American Werewolf in London” for some retro flava.)

One notch down from these (and alongside Planet Terror), is Slither, an excellent addition to the genre and a film that I can (and have) watch again and again.

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A good old fashioned space rock lands in the outskirts of a quiet rural (read redneck) town, bringing with it the seed of an otherworldy being… that’ll be more important later, much more important.

Let’s take a little step back, Slither has many main characters running all over the shop, each of them played by real character actors who actually look like real people and not movie stars or career extras. But the film has the common sense to basically stick to 4 main characters, and one of those is dragged into the action half way through.

Bill Pardy (Nathan Fillion) is the Sherriff of the sleep town, a young man who has progressed rapidly, perhaps due to the ineptness and unreadiness of those under his command who we meet through the film. Bill holds a rather large candle for…

Starla (Elizabeth Banks), whom he grew up with. Starla is a beautiful young teacher who grew up poor and apparently latched on to the first wealthy guy she met, who happens to be…

Grant Grant (yes X2), played by Michael Rooker. We never work out what he is supposed to do but he is an independently man who is a little perturbed by the lack of reciprocity from his trophy wife at his repeated advances. Put more simply the bedroom side of the marriage has lost… momentum.

One such refusal sets Grant Grant (GG from here) off into the night in search of alcohol fuelled relief, when more tangible “relief” arrives in the form of a young bar slut woman, and in a backwoods stumble he and the skank come across our buddy the space rock from the first paragraph. As another crappy film I watched recently said “I love it when a script comes together”, or something similar. The rock held a cow tongue sized wormy looking thing that promptly leaps somehow and affixes itself to GG’s chest and embeds itself in its new “host”.

To this point the film was frequently funny and had already introduced likeable characters spouting snappy and often quotable dialogue. From here on in the absurdity factor kicks in, and Slither is basically equally hilarious and awe-inspiring from here on in.

GG seems a little “off” after his late night trip to the woods.

"Doc I feel a little... "off".

Upon his return to his marital home he becomes quite secretive, going as far as creating some sort of den in the newly locked basement. He also begins to crave meat, nothing wrong with that of course, but suffice to say he isn’t too discerning about the source.

After the annual opening of the Deer hunting Season where Bill and Starla have a brief chat that proves both are aware of the urges, but that such a union is impossible, Starla heads home where she finds GG nowhere to be seen..

All the while GG and the creature had been battling for control of GG’s body, and it appears that GG lost. What follows is one of the weirder “love” scenes in cinematic history since Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone got it on over a decade ago. When GG heads home and finds that Starla has lost the desire for his “chest tubes” (yeah I said it and you read it) the GG creature goes on the lam.

"Me so tubey!"

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Confused as to what might cause a grown man to spout tentacles and eat stray dogs Bill and the police force set up a sting to find and catch him, as word arrives that GG is preying on local livestock. Starla tags along, as does the local foul mouthed sleazy mayor, (who provides further comic relief along the way, mainly through his disbelief and reactions).

The hunt leads the crew to a barn in the middle of nowhere, the barn houses GG’s “special lady”, who is swollen and ready to “drop”. When she does almost on cue all shit breaks loose. GG’s “babies” start possessing any and all locals, human or otherwise, including very nearly a young girl named Kylie, who informs all and sundry that all worms and their hosts are controlled by one superbeing from another planet, and that they are all working towards one goal. (The goal is similar to that of Genghis Khan some time back, and all he only wanted to control was the entire world.)

It took 63 years to lose the baby-weight...

So the remainder of the film has Bill, Starla and Kylie trying to decide whether to escape or fight, all this changes once Starla is taken…

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The film is hilarious even before the insane makeup and creatures are introduced (GG’s pregnant girl needs to be seen to be believed, as does the “birth”), and only gets funnier as the film progresses. There is some effective OTT gore that is intended to disgust in a funny way, not for scares, and the finale tops everything off as Bill goes mano-a-whatever-o versus Grant Grant and his ever growing conglomeration of random flesh.

"Kish me Shtarla."

Some closing points:

  • Nathan Fillion, who I have only previously seen in Serenity (which actually was pretty good), proves he is naturally funny and likable. I want him to be cast in more films soon as a result of this.
  • Elizabeth Banks proves that she is not only hot but she’ll do anything, kinda like Eastern European models, only she does it for laughs and not a roof and porn career.
  • It was said previously but the film is chock full of small roles that due to the quality of the character actors actually add to the film, especially the Mayor.
  • And I normally hate when directors try to fill a film with supposedly “cool”, “now” or blechhh “quirky” songs, but the songs in this film are actually cool and in a few cases funny themselves.

Final Rating – 8.5 / 10. In case you can’t tell I love Slither. Gross out comedies are mostly flawed and lazy, Slither shows what can happen when funny meets well thought out and carefully plotted gross. More of this please!

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Undercover Brother

Too funky for myself!

In the same “dumb but harmless” vein of the SNL films (Roxbury, Ladies Man etc) comes a film based upon an online cartoon… and if that fact alone don’t get the blood pumping nothing will.

Like The Ladies Man if the first two minutes of Undercover Brother don’t elicit a grin then it’s a pretty grim 80 minutes ahead, as it’s largely the same from there.

Black fuzzy balls not pictured.

Undercover Brother himself (Eddie Griffin) is a 70s throwback, kung-fu film watchin’, funk listenin’, jive talkin’ chicken eatin’, black chick bonin’, caddie drivin’ orange soda luvin’ Brother who doesn’t seem to grasp the basics of a new millennium. A disco throwback with an insatiable thirst for justice and fairness to all things pro-black. He is also funny as shit. If you get this far in the film and don’t like him press eject cause it only gets worse.

Apparently Black culture is in grave danger of being homogenised by “The (white) Man”. This is apparently a tragedy as it will cost an entire culture its identity and basically its coolness. I wonder if they will still be allowed to do porn or play in the NBA?

Enter the BROTHERHOOD, which stands for something I can’t remember but is probably vaguely clever and totally unnecessary. A group of predominantly (see further down) black staff who seek to thwart The Man’s efforts and preserve the black experience for generations to come. The BROTHERHOOD are staffed by total stereotypes, but at least they acknowledge as much in the naming of most characters…

  • The Chief
  • Smart Brother.
  • Conspiracy Brother
  • Sistah-Girl…

And Lance, the token affirmative action white guy played by Neil Patrick Harris. (Who would have thought that 2 of the better comedies with a predominantly non-white cast would have featured Doogie himself?) For some reason this cracks me up even though it also panders to every sarcastic stereotype of white guys going around. (Can’t dance, not cool, tone deaf etc.)

Our plot revolves around The Man trying to spread a “white-washing” drug through the black community using fried chicken laced with a mind altering drug, and fronted by a formerly admired black General with aspirations to politics who has apparently “sold out”, but is really himself under the influence of the drug and powerless to resist.

The BROTHERHOOD conscript Undercover Brother to help stop The Man’s plan, but first he must go through white-thinking training. Needless to say the montage shown before him has some of the more embarrassing atrocities ever committed by the white race. He must also learn to cope with mayonnaise, which we apparently all love for some reason.

Sent into the heart of The Man’s operations, UB must blend in by removing any trace of cool or blackness. The Man counters by unleashing White She-Devil (Denise Richards) as UB’s ultimate temptation and foe.

Once under her spell UB becomes temporarily lost to the BROTHERHOOD, and it is up to Sistah-Girl to go and save him. A catfight between She-Devil and Sistah-Girl in front of Undercover Brother and a couple of white henchmen remains a hilarious highlight as it gets more and more ludicrous, culminating in the both half dressed and slurping it up in the shower.

I laughed a lot in this film. I watched Harold and Kumar, both Wayne’s Worlds, The Ladies Man and this in the same week (they’re all only 80 minutes long) and this was by far the funniest and offered the most frequent laughs.

There are jokes about having a black President which show that they couldn’t see into the future, a great slo-mo car chase featuring golf buggies and enough good natured “Oh well black people do this and white people do that” jokes that made me wish you could get away with more political incorrectness when it comes to race these days. (But you can’t.) On top of this Conspiracy Brother is played by Dave Chappelle before he became mega-famous for Chappelle’s Show and he provides many bonus laughs.

The finale moves from a James Brown concert and ends at The Man’s island lair, where UB and The Man’s 2IC Mr Feather have the final showdown and Lance finally unleashes his fury. (Mr Feather (Chris Kattan) is a 50/50 proposition, half funny and half cringeworthy, mostly due to his attempts to speak “black” for comedy’s sake.)

Of course being a movie with a 70s throwback as the main attraction the music is funk-tastic and includes some of the better known hits from that decade, as well as nifty background tunes.

The whole thing seemed to set up a sequel that never came, which is a shame, because aside from a few clumsy missteps Undercover Brother is without doubt the most chuckle-worthy of the comedies I have seen thus far.

Final Rating – 8 / 10. The only drawback of Undercover Brother is the absence of one “huge laugh”. There are dozens of funny bits and chuckles galore but no eye-watering, cheek hurter.

That aside this is still very good stuff and underrated. Maybe the White Man is keeping a Brother down after all!

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