B Movie Haiku Reviews – Undead or Alive / Poison Ivy / Poultrygeist

Undead or Alive

Gee I wonder just how a film that feels the need to inform us that it is a comedy *Cough* ‘Zomedy’, and boasts gloriously fake mo’s, a Sheriff named Cletus and proudly exalts Chris Kattan as its star, will fare?

The Plot

Luke and El-mer are cow-boys

El-mer smart. Luke dumb.

Run-ning from zom-bie pos-se

The Action

The ‘zom-e-dy’s ‘Big Jokes” are;

1/ Luke = dumb and use-less

2/ Zom-bies kill dudes. Vice ver-sa

In Summation

Com-e-dy / hor-ror with-out;

Jokes, act-ion, hor-ror =

A bad, flat Wes-tern with gore

Chris Kattan is Luke, James Denton is Elmer, so at least they got the casting half right. There is also a sorta-kinda-hottie playing a relative of Geronimo who makes absolutely no attempt at a Native American accent – which in truth is a relief – this all seems so rushed and lacking in imagination.

The only attempts at jokes were Luke’s naming of his horses and guns and they were uninspired, in one scene he couldn’t shoot for shit – which was supposed to be funny I guess – ten minutes later he’s picking off guys on horseback from distance and no mention is made of it.

Undead or Alive isn’t as bad as others that have filled my B Movie Haiku space in recent years, but it is perhaps the blandest and least ambitious.

When the only element of the film that seemed to show any care or skill was the gore scenes, I acted on a hunch and looked to see if the director was a special effects man making a film in order to spotlight his skills.

The Director’s name is Glasgow Phillips.

He wasn’t an effects man.

This isn’t a film made to spotlight his gore effects skills.

His credits list writing credits forSouthPark.

Given the laugh-free zone that is Undead or Alive, if anything that is even sadder.

Final Rating – 4 / 10. Glasgow Phillips you’ve done it again!

Poison Ivy

It seems odd that the first time I saw Drew Barrymore’s boobs was 1992. Yet here we are…

The Plot

Syl-vie. Stan-dard awk-ward teen

I-vy. Wild and free

Yes, that’s code for cute young slut

The Action

Lil I-vy be-comes fam-ly

Dad is strict. Mum crook

I-vy wants things to her-self

In Summation

First hour is a con-stant tease

You wait. Wait. Wait. WAIT!

She gets ‘em out near the end

OK, let’s make no bones about it. The Poison Ivy films are there for guys to watch to see minor league actresses flash the puppies. (We know they will, it’s just a waiting game until they do.)  It’s just that in this case Drew Barrymore became inexplicably famous after doing so.

Sara Gilbert plays the tomboy-ish Sylvie, Cheryl Ladd the terminally ill Mum and Tom Skerritt the uptight Dad who must be broken.

It’s the usual stuff really, and to cut to the chase there isn’t any real nudity, just a little ‘almost… turn this way’ action that never arrives.

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. For what it is it’s OK. I never truly understood the allure behind Drew Barrymore, but here she plays the ‘slut who will come in to steal the family’ thing well in a film with a grand total zero surprises.

Poultrygeist – Night of the Chicken Dead

Troma is a word that translated from geek language means ‘Quality – but not really’. Over the years they have profited from deliberately and gleefully offending as many people as possible with gratuitous nudity, over the top violence replete with gore and splatter, and concepts that tip-toe so far over the boundaries of good taste that it isn’t worth pointing it out for fear of the inevitable DUH’s that must follow. In some ways they’re like the Michael Bay of movies.

Case in point: the first death in Poultrygeist finds a potential axe-murdering masturbator having his head pulled out of his own anus.

Read that again.

Not into.

Out of. His head is pulled through his body and emerges at the logical other end.

Despite stuff like this – or perhaps exactly because of it – they have developed a hardcore niche following of 14 to 25 year old males who simply want to laugh at the ludicrous events and see an occasional boob.

But I’d rather that a kid watched crap like this than Hostel and its ilk, because while this might be is patently offensive it is so far removed from reality that no-one could possibly take it seriously for more than a second. And besides, if a kid chooses to take their moral cues from a film about radioactive chickens in a fast food establishment then I feel the issue might have started long before this film.

Forget it Jake, it’s Tromaville…

The Plot

Fast food shack on tain-ted grounds

In-fects. And dis-gusts

Cue the splats, tits, farts and guts

The Action

Think of wrong. Then think wrong-er

No flu-id un-oozed

No or-if-ice un-ex-plored

In Summation

Gross from first mom-ent to last

Stu-pid, in-ane, wrong

Yet strange-ly en-ter-tain-ing

Troma is smart because they know they’re dumb. Instead of whining about small budgets they constantly revel in them. Because they can’t get Grade A actresses to disrobe they get a dozen ordinary lasses to whip ‘em out. A lot.

The two leads in this film might look like an over-eager Shia LeBeouf (unfortunate for him) and a slightly monged Britney Spears but they give their all to entertain in a film where the only certainty was that they wouldn’t need to practice any acceptance speeches. If only so-called Hollywood stars gave as much perhaps we wouldn’t have such a dearth of quality films released each year…

If you’re 18 to 25 – really 14 to 35 – you’ll probably be describing this film breathlessly for months. If you’re over 25 you’ll see the cover, roll your eyes and briefly remember a time in your life when you might have been silly enough to rent it.

I should be in the second bracket, but today I’m kinda glad I ignored common sense for an hour and a half.

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. Poultrygeist was never going to be a good movie, but it’s a fun little good bad movie.

That’s enough for now, hopefully 2012 will provide so many good films I won’t need to bother with this stuff, somehow I doubt it.

OGR

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Apollo 18 (Review)

The funniest and perhaps scariest about this film is that NASA felt concerned enough to announce publicly that this is a work of fiction to the American movie-going people…

What we have here is another found footage flick along the lines of Blair Witch and Paranormal Activity, without the scares or unnerving elements of either. Another ‘watch the background’ film that relies as much on things not happening as it does on the action once it inevitably starts.

In this case we are lead to believe that there was a moon mission launched by NASA in the early 70s, a hush-hush mission manned by 3 All American good guy astronauts to get an edge on those pesky Russians.

There is no messing around with the film, we spend moments meeting our brave intrepid heroes Nate – the mission commander – Ben and John, and within ten minutes of screentime Nate and Ben are on the lunar surface with John orbiting in the capsule above them. I won’t bore you with the details, but they quickly find out that the moon is not made of cheese…

Man MTV should sue this NASA mob.

There are strange sounds, strange findings and essentially strange happenings in the early going.

Things go wrong with the mission, cameras and lights flicker at inopportune moments and things that shouldn’t move, do – helpfully highlighted for the viewers  convenience by our friends at NASA.

Stress levels build within the team and communications between them and home base on American soil become considerably more strained as time goes on and the intensity ramps up. Speaking of intensity, the film’s final half hour is pretty damn silly, and when the film is only a taut 80 minutes to begin with that’s a high proportion of yelling and histrionics to put up with.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. Apollo 18 is predictable from the get go but despite this it is fairly well managed for the most part. The end result being something that could be ideal teen-friendly squeeze your partner’s hand fare, with nothing too controversial or upsetting, but also nothing particularly memorable and lasting either.

It is less daunting or nerve wracking than your Paranormal Activity(s), which is probably why there will be no Apollo 19…

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Balls of Fury (Review)

I just hope the Maggie Q positioning isn't deliberate.

Balls of Fury is everything that you expect when you see the cover above. And it is a great idea… for a 6 minute skit.

As a 90 minute film…

Randy Datona (Dan Fogler) is a fat, hirsute loser in his late 20s, obsessed with hair-metal bands.

But it wasn’t always like this.

When he was a mere 12 year old boy Daytona was a prodigy, perhaps the greatest ping-pong player the world would ever see. That was before a shock loss and a poorly timed, globally televised quote harpooned his career and saw his father killed. This lead to nearly two decades of self-imposed anonymity working as a ping-pong cabaret act in scuzzy venues entertaining low spenders whose primary focus was the buffet.

Then the FBI came calling (George Lopez) with an opportunity to redeem himself and avenge his father at the same time, all by using his ping pong skills to gain access to a Bloodsport style winner take all underground ping-pong tournament hosted by a mysterious triad crimelord named Feng.

Now glance back up at the cover before reading on. (I’ll wait.)

OK that’s enough. Eyes back here.

That’s where the Bloodsport comparisons end. Balls of Fury finds Daytona entering the ‘seedy underbelly of ping-pong’, sees him being trained by a Mr Miyagi clone played by James Hong, and has him meet several outlandish characters along the way in a hail of nutshots, pratfalls and silly jokes.

Not clear enough that this is a wacky comedy? Christopher Walken plays the triad leader Feng, who speaks exactly like Christopher Walken and makes no pretence at a Chinese accent whatsoever…

"I got your comedy right here."

Walken is actually not one of the funny parts of Balls of Fury, aside from that is that he plays a Chinese guy with a Brooklyn accent who dressed like Dracula in drag, he actually only gets a few jokes thrown his way.

The actual amusement value is primarily derived by Dan Fogler as Randy Daytona, and (a guy I had never heard of before) Thomas Lennon as his German nemesis .

Daytona is gormless, ignorant and well meaning, while Karl Wolfschtagg is intense, corrupt and straight up evil, Lennon somehow steals the film in a bit role that sees him absent from proceedings for practically two thirds of the film.

More chuckles are spread among the copious number of recognisable (yet often not enough to recall their name) character actors and comedians who populate almost every minor role in the film: Patton Oswalt, Terry Crewes, Aisha Tyler, Diedrich Bader and James Hong all mug for the camera and ham their way through their onscreen moments in an attempt to cadge whatever laughs they can in their brief moments, with Maggie Q playing the hard to fathom love interest to Fogler’s unattractive Daytona.

(For the record Bader and Hong do best in limited opportunities, Crewes and Oswalt barely pass and Tyler is under-utilised as a cleavage heavy concubine with little dialogue – I’m not complaining about the cleavage part but she is funny enough to warrant a few lines.)

The ending is suitably stupid and while 100% unnecessary and undeniably ludicrous Balls of Fury somehow manages to avoid the Scary Movie, Disaster/Epic/etc Movie comparisons by jagging a few actual jokes in among the pretty colours and ‘how zany is this’ childishness.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. Shouldn’t work and kinda sorta doesn’t. Which means it kinda sorta does. Funny enough and totally forgettable.

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The Exorcist (Review)

"Yes Elwood, I see the light..."

The best and most apt review of The Exorcist that I could write would be ‘Just see it*’.

For a nearly 40 year old film to not only still be effective is one thing, but The Exorcist remains an absolute classic, and the unnerving feeling that makes the hairs stand up on your neck work like no other film in recent memory.

You can parody this stuff all you want, but it is still scary stuff indeed.

The Exorcist is – as the name suggests – the tale of a ritual exorcism held to remove an evil being from a young girl. The actual act takes place near the end of the film, with the first 90 minutes of the film being a creepily efficient prelude.

The afflicted girl is young Regan McNeil (Linda Blair), the daughter of a famous actress and single mum, who has the good fortune to be making a film that is being shot quite close to home so she can remain available.

This is obviously a happy time for Mum and Regan, they spend their days playing happy (rich) families, cavorting and acting as frivolous as actors in a shampoo commercial, and if Mum comes home a little edgy from a hard day’s filming ‘let the maid handle her’.

For a solid half hour nothing much untoward happens, then gradually we start seeing signs that Regan is a little… offfff.

After a couple of incidents that test the boundaries of what might be called ‘behavioural issues’, Regan is subjected to test after test after test, at the culmination of which no obvious reason or illness can be found.

In desperation Mum turns to the church, who are initially quite skeptical of the request, but come around pretty quick when Regan manages to levitate the bed and speak in numerous ancient tongues at the same time.

Father Karras performs the initial diagnosis, and he calls upon the more experienced Father Merrin for assistance in performing the ritual, where the famed pea-soup spewing, head spinning and expletive gushing all takes place.

Linda Blair is superb as the initially innocent 12 year old called upon to perform all of the afore-mentioned chicanery, and she handles the vomiting, oozing, profanity and upside-down crab-walking down the stairs with gusto.

Feeling a little off...

There is occasional ‘did I just see that?’ subliminal imagery in the corners of scenes and in brief moments of darkness, nothing to do with the core plot but it provides more unease for the viewer. The voice work for the various inner demons and inhabitants of Regan is masterful and for the main part the acting is all quite believable and thankfully lacking in hamminess or cartoonery.

I simply can’t do The Exorcist justice here. Suffice to say that I have watched countless horror films over the last 2+ decades and keep coming back to it.

Final Rating – 9 / 10. There are a couple of films that I perhaps like a little more than The Exorcist. There are none better.

* Make sure you’re 18 plus. There is some freaky shit in this film.

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Creepshow (Review)

Yeah it's foreign, but too cool not to use.

George Romero directs a series of short episodes, all with horror themes, based upon the writings of Stephen King! Sounds OK, why haven’t I watched this before…?

The answer to that question is that Creepshow hasn’t aged well in the 25 years since it was released, in fact the scariest thing may just be that this was considered horrifying at some point, when horror was still a distant cousin to ‘true, commercial filmmaking’, the dirty little secret only supported by teenagers and the mentally unstable, not the pointless and sterile commercial behemoth it has morphed into over the last 15 years.

Rant over, none of that means that Creepshow is that good or bad though, as my dangerously unadventurous 6 ratings suggests it is just a movie with pluses and minuses.

The pluses are that the gore effects and horror makeup are pretty effective, also that the film is divided into 5 separate stories, so if you aren’t immersed in one story you don’t have to wait too long before it ends and another starts.

For the record the stories are as follows:

  1. A guy that really wants his cake, even years after his untimely death.
  2. A meteor which instantly gives Stephen King a green thumb, and everything else.
  3. Leslie Nielson and Ted Danson have a showdown at High… tide.
  4. Researchers open a 150 year old crate and… well you’d be hungry too after eating nothing but splinters for a century and a half.
  5. An eccentric and wealthy shut in has issues with bugs. Lotsa issues. Lotsa bugs.

The minuses are that the stories are disturbingly straightforward, with a few sporting a twist that can be guessed within the first couple minutes of the set up, and the others not even bothering to hide where the story is going. Maybe since The Sixth Sense we kinda expect more creativity and misdirection from our films – even our short films – but obviously the 80s were simpler times, and to be fair George Romero was a guy made permanently famous for undead flesh eaters, not his twists and cleverness.

There is nothing horribly wrong with Creepshow, it thankfully turns up the gore elements and doesn’t shy away from actually trying to scare. But unfortunately times have changed society’s views on horror, gore and cinema taboos, and in doing so Creepshow is now but a relic of what people used to find scary and alternative. In that regard it’s a lot like Nirvana, Led Zeppelin and The Cure, at one point they were counter-culture and threats to the fragile fabric holding our youth at bay, now it is all merely ‘oldies rock’, easy listening for those long beyond their hellraising years, and easy fodder for derision by those who somehow think Kanye West and Jay Z are musical geniuses.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. Some 80s horror films have stood the test of time, Creepshow isn’t really one of them.

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The Good, the (Not) Bad, & the Ugly – Vampire Movies

Premise first: There are a million cinematic genres out there just waiting for you to find them. Within those genres are countless films ranging from atrocious to (hopefully) all time great.We care at OGR, so in 2012 we will periodically be highlighting a different genre and identifying which films in your respective genre are;

The GOOD: 8 / 10 and above

They might not all be great, but we wholeheartedly recommend that you check these out, as they represent some of the best the genre has to offer.

The (NOT) BAD: 6.5 / 10 to 7.5 / 10

These films might have a few flaws and probably won’t blow you away, but they aren’t terrible, boast at least a few decent moments and who knows there might just find a gem or two in here that works better for you.

&

The UGLY: 6 / 10 and below

Films that are ordinary at best, and worse… not much joy to be found here I’m afraid.

For the most part I will let the full reviews in the links tell the story. Feel free to let me know what I missed or which of your favourites is ranked too low.

Vampires

Twilight and True Blood might have made vampires less dangerous and more female friendly, but today I will focus on ‘real vampire’ flicks, after all if you are a Twi-hard I am unlikely to change your mind here and set you back on the path to normalcy. Besides it’s unlikely you have a computer in your sandpit to read this anyway…

Back to real vampires; there was a time when they only came out at night, hated sunlight, garlic and stakes to the heart – don’t we all – and feasted on the blood of humans when they got the chance. These vampires were ornery types and quite inhospitable, found mostly in *GASP* Horror movies!

Here we break down The Good, the (Not) Bad & the Ugly in vampire land.

The Good

Blade 2: (Review)

Helmed by Guillermo Del Toro and starring Wesley Snipes as Blade. Follows the half human/half vampire ‘daywalker’ and vampire hunter Blade from the original film and pits him against a new super-strain that kills both vamps and humans indiscriminately.

Awesome action and a film with more cool points than almost any other superhero flick.

From Dusk Till Dawn: (Review)

A Tarantino-penned road movie that takes a major twist when it follows two serious criminals crossing the border to Mexico with a family they have just kidnapped, only to find that their ‘safehouse’ skeezy bar is in fact infested with bloodthirsty vamps.

Hilariously over the top and full of sight gags and gore effects, this film has to be seen to be believed.

Let the Right One In: (Review)

The story follows the relationship between a perpetually young vampire girl and a young human boy only looking for a friend.

The Swedish original is more effecting and a better overall film, but the American remake is thankfully only a notch below.

Near Dark: (Review)

Kathryn Bigelow helms a film that looks at things mainly from the vampire’s point of view, showing us feeding, remaining undetected and never aging can actually be issues.

Another issue is finding a nice boy to fall in love with.

And not eating him.

Stake Land: (Review)

The newest entry to the list from 2011.A bleak and realistic (as a vampire movie can be) road movie that follows a grizzled vampire hunter and his young apprentice as they navigate a lawless, violent and depressing land filled with vampires and cannibals.

Other survivors often tag along for the ride, but in a movie not afraid to kill off characters this is not always for long.

The (Not) Bad

30 Days of Night: (Review)

A film that should have reinvented the genre but dropped the baton – which Twilight then picked up!

A nearly deserted remote Alaskan town is besieged by a group of savage vampires in the annual winter solstice which you’ll never guess how long it lasts.

(Unless you look at the title.)

Bram Stoker’s Dracula: (Review)

Not trying to blaspheme but Francis Ford Coppola’s faithful interpretation of the novel that pretty much kick-started the genre is gorgeous to look at but often painful to watch.

Featuring performances that range from wooden (Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder) to 100% uncut ham (Anthony Hopkins, Gary Oldman).

Daybreakers: (Review)

Tough times for humanity with vampires now in charge and using us for a food supply.

Gets a little precious at times but boasts a couple quality moments that will have you grinning (guys) or pursing your lips in feigned disgust (gals).

The Forsaken: (Review)

A young man on a cross country trip finds himself allied with a vampire hunting teen and a young girl who is the target of a Master vampire (read: Big Boss vampire).

Light on cheese but a little too teen-friendly at moments, Forsaken is a little seen solid weekend rental.

Fright Night: (Review)

Entertaining fang in cheek 80s film about a teen positive that a vampire has moved next door with plans to suck him, his mum and his girlfriend dry.

Remade in 2011, you can’t go wrong with either really, though 1985 is perhaps more fun and tones down the violence quite a bit.

Other Not Bad Notables: Priest / Suck / Thirst / Underworld / The Lost Boys

The Ugly

Blood the Last Vampire: (Review) / Rise: Blood Hunter: (Review)

Two modern day efforts to sexify the genre.

In ‘Rise’ Lucy Liu takes her kit off frequently, in ‘Blood’ the lead wears a school uniform most of the time.

Neither is enough to save their respective films.

John Carpenter’s Vampires: (Review)

A typical latter day Carpenter effort.

Starts out OK but rapidly runs out of ideas and degenerates quickly into a lengthy, terrible conclusion that will disappoint all of us hoping Carpenter can regain his 80s mojo.

Lifeforce: (Review)

A fairly terrible sci-fi horror about vampires from space, with the notable feature(s) both pointing horizontally under the chin of the female lead.

I’ll say it again for the cheap seats…

SPACE VAMPIRES!!!

The Vampire’s Assistant: (Review)

Teen friendly affair trying to franchise a kid’s book Twilight style.

A young guy  finds himself the unwitting helper to a real life vampire who happens to be a member of a … zzzzzzzz

A Vampire in Brooklyn: (Review)

Director Wes Craven wanted a horror film, star Eddie Murphy wanted a horror comedy.

Both compromised.

The only outright loser being anyone unfortunate enough to see this.

The Rest: Despite Twilight’s gazillions, whacking ‘vampire’ in the title isn’t a guarantee of anything.

Twilight / Vampire Diary / Lesbian Vampire Killers / Bordello of Blood / Bloodrayne / Dracula 2000

As always 2012 will bring dozens of new entries into the zombie genre and OGR will painstakingly waste hours and brain cells sifting through the entrails to sort the classics from the trash.

Stay tuned.

OGR

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The Inbetweeners Movie (Review)

The third guy's head looks like a rhombus. Yay photoshop?

I know nothing about the TV series of the same name. I guess it takes the same four characters from this film and restricts them to more banal fare in and around their homes.

I enjoyed the film version for what it was, but nonetheless don’t think I’ll be putting the DVD box set on my Christmas list for 2012. That’s not to say that this is a poor film – far from it – it’s just that it happens to be a pretty good example of a film in a genre that I am officially over. The horny teens on holiday sex comedy.

Neil, Simon, Jay and Will have finished school for good, and plan to celebrate with a two week ‘mental holiday’ (mental in terms of crazy, not refreshing the mind) to a Greek island, away from bullies, dickheads and their (legitimately) embarrassing parents. They even have some regrettably frank T shirts made up proclaiming them members of the Pussay Patrol.

They are at once recognisable as horny, lazy, awkward, horny, naïve and horny teen boys. They are also horny.

Here’s all you need to know about the foursome. Two are essentially ‘nice guys’, Simon has recently been dumped and is openly – and constantly – pining for his ex, Will is a nerd, knows he’s a nerd, knows that he doesn’t really belong, but that won’t stop him trying. (Will also narrates the flick and boasts a voice that I fin all too aggravating and annoying.) The other two are more ‘lads’, Jay is your stereotypical ‘I’m gonna bang everything that moves – or at least talk about it in excruciating detail’ guy who is constantly on the pull, and Neil has prepped with a glorious fake tan for the trip, and has committed to not cheating on his back home girlfriend, unless of course the woman in question is plus 50, fat and just plain wrong.

Upon arriving in Greece the reality of the dream holiday soon takes hold, their classy hotel has 50 euro fines for floor defacation, Simon’s ex is also holidaying down the road, and there are apparently good-looking popular bullies overseas too.

Regardless, these are mere inconveniences for the foursome, and the holiday is off and running, with skirt-chasing, alcohol, stoushes, pranks, wholesale teenage male stupidity and altogether too much nudity (the too much reference means it is practically all of the male variety). Of course all the right girls aren’t interested and the wrong girls are all over the shop.

In conveniently cinematic fashion the very first bar that the gents decide to check out also has four female punters, luckier still the same four girls that they seem to run into with almost monotonous regularity regardless of where they are.

I was amazed at these lads ability to drink, it seemed that they were almost constantly imbibing glasses of pure alcohol, usually shooters, yet only twice does one of them lament their over-indulgence, and only once does it seem to result in the physical rejection of the offending alcohol.

The Inbetweeners movie isn’t really offensive, thankfully non-violent, and even though the gross bits are indeed gross you’d be silly to think they aren’t really going on all over the planet every weekend – though I’d question the thought process that justified walking around with a banknote jammed in your nether-regions for a fortnight.

Final Rating – 7 / 10. One of the better horny teen comedies in recent years. It might not have converted more or even piqued my interest enough to check out the TV series, but I got a few laughs out of proceedings, and at times the film hinted at something that suggested a sequel might be worth pursuing.

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The Skeleton Key (Review)

Quite the reflective eye you have there.

Yet another film featuring lone, vulnerable, kinda hot young women being haunted/hunted/threatened by the unknown and unlikely. You wonder why they keep making these generic things, but then along comes The Ring, and to a slightly lesser extent The Skeleton Key.

Yep this is a pretty good film.

When Carrie Ellis (Kate Hudson)takes a live-in carer job in a vast but run down estate in the swamp fringed outskirts of N’Awlins looking after stroke victim Ben (John Hurt), she is looking for little else but a steady job, a regular paycheck, and a bit of quiet.

After all, aside from the understandably picky wife – who cannot give Ben the care he needs as she is of a similar age – the only regular visitor to the property is a cute young local estate lawyer Luke, who often drops in to check on Carrie and update the wills. They are getting on after all.

So in moments of downtime Carrie nosies a little around the vast 30+ roomed home armed with the skeleton (master) key that provides access to every room in the house – except one…

Carrie wonders why the so called master key doesn’t give access to the door in the attic. She wonders why the house has no mirrors. She wonders if semi-catatonic Ben is trying to tell her something.

She wonders when Matthew McConaughey will show up and take his shirt off.

The film gives us the answers to all these questions, except perhaps the last one. But thankfully we the audience are handed nothing, details and hints are gradually leaked and relayed through the film – some we don’t even know are hints until the end – as the history of the home and the area, a history filled with slavery, superstition and black magic.

The Skeleton Key was a pleasant surprise, it was largely gore and ‘cat jumping out of the cupboard’ free. The pay off isn’t announced early, and when it arrived it was very satisfying and well earned.

New Orleans has built credibility over the years to the point when we as movie-goers simply acknowledge that the area is filled with people who practice dark magic and are capable of doing things that other more boring Americans cannot.

With this tacit agreement already in place between New Orleans and viewer, the filmmaker is tasked only with creating a decent, plausible film and we will follow.

They managed that here. It also helped that the steamy N’Awlins humidity justified enough lingering shots of Kate Hudson in her sleepwear to fill a K-Mart underwear catalogue…

Final Rating – 7.5 / 10. Smart, slow burning horror/thriller that eschews the normal schlock and histrionics and utilizes the New Orleans backdrop effectively.

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The Woman (Review)

I've seen Woman, hear me snore...

Sometimes I feel like I am out of the loop, like my finger has long ago slipped from the pulse of what is acceptable to society.

With music it was around 2002 or 2003, I describe practically everything since using the exact phrases my old man used to deride my musical taste as I grew up.

With so-called blockbuster movies it was basically more gradual and progressive, in fact since the mid 90s I have for the most part been able to spot duds in advance and avoid them. Armageddon, Wild, Wild West, anything Tom Cruise, Transformers, not for me thanks.

But aside from obviously teen-targeting fare horror has mostly been my constant, reliable ally.

Until now perhaps…

The Woman was listed in more than a few end of year ‘Best of’ lists as one of the better horror movies of 2011. It was hailed as ‘savage and unique’ in some quarters, or ‘uneven but with a classic finale’ in others.

That was enough to make me wonder why I hadn’t heard of it before, so I made haste to secure a copy and check it out.

Am I out of the horror loop too? Let me directly address some statements made about The Woman;

  • The Woman is not a pro-feminist film.
  • The Woman is not a film promoting or even portraying misogyny.
  • The Woman is not creative and well directed. It is not well acted. It is not ‘memorably gore-filled.
  • The Woman is a piece of cinematic shit. The only things that The Woman hates are logic, reason, entertainment, creativity and credible horror.

The one sentence overview is as follows; a smalltown lawyer Chris Cleek spots a ‘feral’ woman and taking her home to meet the wife and three kids before getting all ‘Elliott meets E.T.’ and informing one and all that “I’m keeping her”. Shennanigans ensue of course.

I fail to see how anyone can watch the first hour of this mess without wanting to slit their own wrists, it is so boring, inane and ridiculous that it defies all logic. Consider what occurs first time Chris spots the Woman through his telescopic rifle sights, she gets the full on bad 80s metal band video treatment, complete with an awful song, slo-mo camera work and even a shower – well river bathing – scene where he no sooner imagines her topless than hey presto it is so.

I laughed only to prevent me from crying it was so amateurish. Continuing the lousy music angle the film is absolutely ridden with ear-bleedingly awful indie rock and pop that means the only thing worse than watching this crap is listening to it.

But it gets worse. Only hours after the Woman bites off his finger and Chris is introducing her to the wife and rugrats.

We get no less than three scenes where it seems that this particularly dirty woman needs cleaning. Hackneyed writing that starts sub-plots that go absolutely no-where, or worse to somewhere where you must continue watching. The direction is absolutely god-awful – please re-visit the ‘intro to The Woman in the creek’ bit as a fine example, and the twist more or less totally defeats the purpose of the first two thirds of the film.

By the way gorehounds, the gore and violence in the film is equally moronic, no partially redemptive qualities here I’m afraid.

About the only thing I could pretend to agree to is that the character of Chris Cleek is a truly unique character, but a single faceted cartoon of one. Please don’t be mistaken for assuming unique means anything remotely positive. Where the ‘acting’ of everyone in the film ranges in quality from ‘wooden’ to ‘wet cardboard’, Sean Bridgerss effort might be best described as ‘over-acting annoying uncle’, the one guy at a family barbecue or gathering that you wouldn’t want to get stuck speaking to for more than a minute.

Except here the usually chipper family man is the central point in the damn film.

So to recap. Based upon the testimony of critics who hail this as ‘one of the best horror films of the year’ I am officially well out of the loop.

I found the plot of The Woman hackneyed, lazy and trite, the direction misguided, the acting uniformly woeful and the blood and guts finale ludicrous and hardly redeeming. I hated every character in the film whether I was supposed to or not, and where I was supposed to not like them undoubtedly for reasons other than the film-makers intended.

I am not ‘a woman hater, I am proudly ‘The Woman’ hater. I hated a lot of films from 2011, here was the first I absolutely reviled from start to finish.

Final Rating – 3 / 10. Critics need to redefine what horror is for them, for me it would be watching this black hole of worthlessness again.

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The Devil’s Backbone (Review)

Guillermo Del Toro has a knack for setting juxtaposing plots and settings alongside each other, Pan’s Labyrinth was a fable set against an extremely dark and violent backdrop, Hellboy put the spawn of Hades in among the Nazis, and in The Devil’s Backbone he manages to plonk a ghost amid a makeshift orphanage on the periphery of the Spanish Civil War.

While using these disparate elements is sometimes distracting and not always effective, you cannot fault Del Toro’s ambition and care for his subject matter. The Devil’s Backbone doesn’t always work, but it is never less than compelling.

The orphanage is the central location in the film, and is run by a kindly old one-legged lady Principal who sympathises with the rebel factions in the war (going as far as holding gold for them with which they finance their struggle). Other staff within the run down institution include a handsome strapping handyman named Jacinto – who was himself an orphan living within the walls (and resents that very fact) – his girlfriend and a kindly old Doctor who holds a flame for the Principal.

Carlo is the new kid at the orphanage, so new, innocent and green that he unfortunately isn’t even aware he is in fact an orphan. He is thrust into the everyday politics of young boys, with bullies, smart kids and introverts all trying to find their way in a period of their lives which is hard enough even without a war going on just outside the orphanage walls.

As always it is the bully, Jaime who rapidly becomes the most prominent factor in Carlo’s life. Jaime is older, taller and stronger than Carlo and most of the other boys, but while Carlo might be quiet and small, he is determined and not lacking in courage, something that becomes increasingly evident…

… when the ghost announces itself to him.

Let me first say that the existence of the ghost is never questioned in this film. From the early goings it never bothers hiding or sneaking its way around the buildings. Almost everyone in the facility knows that he is there, in fact they refer to him as ‘the one who sighs’. But Carlo, the kids and the film eventually learn who the ghost is, and how he came to be in his predicament, what with the being dead and perpetually bleeding and all…

Given all that is happening in The Devil’s Backbone it is hard to explain the situation without spoilers. So I won’t. What I will say is that there are a great many subplots in motion simultaneously, many of which eventually prove to be linked in one way or the other as the war moves ever closer.

The Devil’s Backbone is a very credible and worthwhile ghost story set against a very real and disturbing backdrop. It features some very adult situations and some frankly brutal sequences. But it is not merely a gore filled horror flick, nor is it a period piece into which a ghost is clumsily inserted. The Devil’s Backbone is a horror film for those that might not ordinarily like horror, it is a thinking film for those that might not normally choose to select a ‘thinking movie’, it is more than anything a meticulously crafted film that might not be for everyone.

But that doesn’t make it any less of a film.

Final Rating – 7.5 / 10. A collage of disparate elements that together form not just a high quality horror film, but also a high quality film period.

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