One Guy Rambling

March 9, 2010

City Hunter

Filed under: Love & Hate, Movies, Playa Hatin', The Jackie Chan-A-Thon, Video Shop Blitzkrieg — OGR @ 10:30 am

OK deep breath. This will sound harsh but believe me it isn’t.

City Hunter is not only Jackie Chan’s worst film by a country mile, it is also in worst 2% of films that I have seen in 20 years.

Jackie plays detective Ryu Saeba, who loses his partner in the opening scene. His partner is the lucky one, the rest of the cast had to stay for the duration of this shitty flick.

The plot concerns nothing that makes sense aside from some bad guys are on board a cruise and plan to rob the thing, and Ryu must stop them.

The thing is that City Hunter tries so hard to be a slapstick comedy, only every single joke in the film sucks so bad that it is truly embarrassing.

Setting aside the gay-bashing jokes “I hope you get AIDS!” as a relic of a less understanding era, there is a recurring joke that every time a woman holds up a pistol she falls over due to the weight of her tits, (I looked, it shouldn’t have happened), Ryu is always hungry, which is also hilarious and is played for laughs.

There are numerous bad guys with big muscles and bad hair running around, they say stupid things in such a hammy manner that I waited for a “Wah-Wah-Wahhhhh” trumpet to denote the merciful end of the scene like a 50s Daffy Duck cartoon.

I hate this film for the black mark that it will leave on Jackie’s career, even though probably no-one else will give a shit. He has such a shining resume that from the mid 80s to The Tuxedo in the early 2000s there were less successful films, but nothing like this trash. (And if The Tuxedo, which sucked almost as much and I will get to, was the worst thing that he made you could use the “yeah but he was in his late 40s when he made that!”)

With City Hunter all you can say is everyone involved should be ashamed. The scriptwriter should be shot, the director should be shot twice, and whoever financed the thing should be shot, cut into little pieces and force-fed to Amy Winehouse.

1/ Are there any “WOW!” fights?
No. Only the final fight is even slightly good, and it is only OK.
2/ Are there any “WOW!” stunts?
Jackie runs down an exploding hallway and flips over a barrier to a lower level. Cool but wasted in this trash.
3/ Which Jackie is it? Serious / Whimsical / Cocky…
Hammy, horny and misguided.
4/ Does he get to use Jackie-exclusive toys?
I thought no until a custom made Mitsubishi appeared in the final scene.
5/ Do stolen relics come up?
No. Even they have the sense to stay away.
6/ Are there hot chicks (that usually can’t act)?
Yes in abundance, but they are more notable for the bad acting than the hotness.
7/ Is there a blooper reel over the credits?
Yep, a crap one.
8/ Were there injuries on the shoot? Severity?
No.
9/ Has he still got it?
Yep, he just left “it” at home.
10/ Is it a “Jackie Chan” film, or just one he is in?
NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a Jackie film! NOT a…

Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. Not only the lowpoint in Jackie’s CV by so far it isn’t funny, this would fit comfortably in a Rob Schneider marathon!

March 7, 2010

The Vampire’s Assistant

Filed under: Movies, New-Ish — OGR @ 10:44 am

It's already ended as far as I am concerned.

Look, if you’re 13 or 14, you’ve probably seen let’s say 100 or so movies. That includes all the Shreks, Toy Story’s and Madagascars, and likely all the Harry Potters. If that is the case I can really see you finding something of value in The Vampire’s Assistant.

I have not seen the Harry Potters nor the Twilights, any of them, nor have I read the books. I have no judgment to make about them, that’s just the facts.

I went into The Vampire’s Assistant with low expectations, and if Salma wasn’t in it there is a 93% chance I wouldn’t have bothered, in retrospect I guess I was right, this is a young teen’s movie with practically nothing for adults.

The film deals with two young boys, Darren is as “normal” as they come, a good student, popular enough and a pretty good kid all round, only he is mates with Steve, a troubled boy who seems to have internal issues and resents almost everything. After an early run-in Darren’s parents “advise” him to stay away from Steve altogether. (This actually happened to me in my earlier years, although in that case I was a watered-down Steve.)

Of course even Darren has some issue with authority figures, and the two decide to go to a local underground (illegal) freak show, named conveniently enough Cirque Du Freak to check it out.

Now I won’t explain too much about the freak show, the very concept lends itself to the inclusion of a myriad of unbelievable and fantastic creatures and abnormal people. Suffice to say there is a wolfman, midgets, people with various deformities and Salma as the bearded lady. Basically anything that can be done nowadays with CGI is done, (I’ll get to why that is an issue later on).

During the show the local authorities show to shut things down, and in the ensuing chaos both Darren and Steve go their separate ways and each find themselves hearing and seeing more than they bargained for, unwittingly becoming embroiled in an ancient battle between two warring parties of vampires, of which John C. Reilly as Krepsley and Willem Dafoe as Purl are members. Steve is disillusioned with being a human and wants to be a vampire, however it is Darren that is chosen by Krepsley to fill the titular occupation. The catch is that he must be seen to be dead for this to be able to fulfil the duties of his role.

Hey Presto! Darren is dead, buried, unearthed and is now a ½ vampire, with all the positives and minuses that go along with the job.

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So this is where Cirque Du Freak really starts, Darren is “in”, and is welcomed into the Freak-Reserve, where all members are neutral and a tenuous truce holds. In the ensuing days Darren meets a (seemingly normal) girl named Rebecca, finds out that Salma is Krepsley’s bearded-ladyfriend, and realises that things will never be the same.

At the same time the bad guy named Mr Tiny introduces himself to young Steve, informs him that Darren is not only alive but is living HIS dream, and suggests that he might be of assistance in a plan that will benefit them both…

OK, you see where I am going with this.

The problems with The Vampire’s Assistant:

- Salma is a hot chick who when aroused in any way grows a beard. Not a good start when you have one of the hottest women on the planet and just when things get interesting she sprouts a 3 day growth. (I love Jimmy Kimmel’s comment though in an interview with Ms Hayek about that very fact, “That wouldn’t slow me down for 1 second.”) Also, this is a PG film, so we aren’t even allowed some gratuitous cleavage to lessen the blow.

- CGI is all well and good, but in the case of this film it is a well-worn crutch (and no I am not talking about Sharon Stone here). I am fine with CGI where nothing else would be possible, this is a fantasy story after all, but here too often it felt like the CGI was the story, as in “look what we did with computers!”

- There is not one memorable scene in the film. Not one character jumped out as being ultra-cool or ultra-bad, it’s like the film-makers decided that no-one could be too anything for fear of pushing this story into either non-PG or non-mainstream waters. When in doubt they simply always played it safe, even a PG movie doesn’t have to always play it safe.

- Like zombies, surely vampires have almost been done to death? Over the last few years we know how they eat, how and where they sleep, what kills them and a plethora of different but really the same things about them. A wrinkle here or there is hardly noteworthy or even interesting to this point. Soooo…

- When the action finally arrives it is so el-cheapo and dare I say it sub-TV show standard that it made the journey to get there all the more frustrating. Put another way, My Name is Earl had better action sequences.

The finale in The Vampire’s Assistant was so manufactured, so sterile, that it was so obviously only there to put a full stop to part 1 and justify a part 2 somewhere down the line.

Somehow The Vampire’s Assistant looked more like a “product” than any film I have watched for a while bar The Collector, (which I absolutely loathed by the way). Sure the acting was OK and things moved along at a nice pace, and I suppose it told a story, even if the story was very predictable.

This movie is like a precocious and headstrong teen that wants to be an adult even though it isn’t quite ready. It coughs its way through a couple of cigarettes and spouts tough talk that doesn’t make sense, but ultimately it just comes across as another try hard not yet ready for the real world.

Put another way this movie is a little like Beetlejuice was many years ago, only without the crazy asides, the humour or the redeeming feature of a commanding character like Beetlejuice himself.

Hopefully the target teen market takes more out of this.

Vampires and zombies top my list of overdone characters, yet somehow I can’t stop watching them. Movies like this will change that.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. A great example of a “So What” movie. It actually sounds like an OK premise, but the dearth of action, humour or interest kills that promise.

Police Story

Filed under: Great Movies, Movies, The Jackie Chan-A-Thon, Video Shop Blitzkrieg — OGR @ 10:43 am

Bland name. Great movie.

Jackie’s first attempt at a cop flick starts and ends spectacularly, and if it weren’t for a dead patch mid-film this would be in the discussion for inclusion on his All-Time best list.

As it stands it is simply a really good film featuring two of the more awesome sequences that have been committed to film.

Jackie is Ka Kui (depending on which version you rent), a member of the Hong Kong police. At the start of the film they are planning a sting on crime boss Chu and his gang.

When the cover is blown a chase ensues that starts by charging headlong through (Not around. Through.) a shanty town on the hillside, complete with dozens of extras diving this way and that as cars just emerge from and over buildings. Jackie then continues on foot, eventually catches the bus and holds on using only an umbrella as the bus veers all over the road and around bends, and then finally stops the bus by heading them off at the pass.

16 minutes of action packed goodness. This scene alone is reason enough to hunt down Police Story.

The rest of the film has Ka Kui charged with looking after a witness named Miss Fong. Once Chu evades imprisonment in a shonky court case that could only exist in a Jackie Chan movie he sets about killing Miss Fong and Ka Kui.

Ka Kui obviously gets pissed and decides to fix this for himself.

The closing sequence is also brilliant. Set in a mall the fight starts off well enough, then builds the pace towards the last few minutes where one by one the attackers are dispatched in brutal fashion. (On set apparently the movie was dubbed “Glass Story” because of the number of stunts featuring sugar-glass in the finale.)

1/ Are there any “WOW!” fights?

Hell yeah, the finale is only one of many.

2/ Are there any “WOW!” stunts?

My word yes. The cars down the hill, and various other near misses. That’s before the showdown in the mall where almost everyone ends up being thrown through windows.

3/ Which Jackie is it? Serious / Whimsical / Cocky etc…

Serious, then amorous, then pissed.

4/ Does he get to use Jackie-exclusive toys?

Mitsubishi features prominently, but Jackie wasn’t quite famous enough to demand his toys yet.

5/ Do stolen relics come up?

No.

6/ Are there hot chicks (that usually can’t act)?

I wouldn’t say Miss Fong nor Ka Kui’s GF May would qualify under standard hotness provisions.

7/ Is there a blooper reel over the credits?

Yep. One of the best.

8/ Were there injuries on the shoot? Severity?

You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. Various injuries and Jackie burned his hands sliding down an electrified pole. (Wasn’t supposed to be electrified.)

9/ Has he still got it?

A thousand times yes.

10/ Is it a “Jackie Chan” film, or just one he is in?

One of the first “Jackie Chan” films.

Final Rating – 8 / 10. A great film bookended by two classic sequences, only let down a little by a plodding middle sequence.

March 4, 2010

Top 10 Comedies Of All Time

Filed under: Great Movies, Lists, Love & Hate, Movies, Showin' Lurve — OGR @ 10:41 pm

Before we start I am assuming that almost everyone has seen every film in this list, if not hunt the strays down and check them out.

In truth I had difficulty even justifying a list of 10, not so much because I don’t find a lot of films funny, but because I just resent the implication that certain films deserve “All-Time” status.

The descriptions below are more a series of random thoughts and observations, don’t expect that they discuss the plot in any detail or make any sense whatsoever if you aren’t already familiar with the movies.

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Coming to America

Eddie Murphy in his absolute prime

Let’s see;

-         Welcome to Zamunda (“The Royal penis is clean your majesty.”)

-         The cancelled wedding (“She’s your Queeeeeennnn tooo beeee..”)

-         The guys arguing in the barber shop (“That’ll be 8 dollars.”)

-         The crummy apartment (“One window facing a brick wall, used to rent it to a blind man.”)

-         Soul Glo (“Just let your…” You’re singing it now aren’t you?)

-         The attempted pick-up in the nightclub (“I wanna tear you apart… and your friend too.”)

-         MacDowells (“See now I’m washing lettuce”, “Just two years huh?”)

-        Sexual Chocolate (“That boy’s good”, “Yeah, good n’ terrible.”)

-         The basketball game (“That’s just a man that I met in the restroom.”)

-         The realisation (“Look the girl doesn’t like you. Can’t you get that through your greasy head?” “The first thing we need to do is get you out of these wet clothes.”)

-         The credits (“Would you just taste the soup… Whaddya know from funny ya bastard?”)

Aside from some Beverley Hills Cop snippets nothing he has done before or since even remotely compares.

Arguably the funniest on the list, definitely the most quotable.

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Groundhog Day

I’ve said before that Bill Murray and Steve Martin are the two guys that make me laugh even when they aren’t trying, this is Murray’s finest moment, (among quite a few contenders I might add).

We all know by now that Murray plays a local weatherman named Phil Connors covering the annual Groundhog Day event in the backwater town of Punxsatawney, Pennsylvania… only due to an undisclosed turn of events Phil gets trapped in a perpetual cycle, reliving the same day over and over and over, only he is able to change the events, everyone else in the town is doomed to unknowingly repeat their actions over and again.

Now Bill Murray is the master of sarcasm when things seem to be going well, so giving him a reason for frustration (and eventually resignation) was a masterstroke. I can’t imagine anyone else doing justice to this role while also convincing the audience to tag along through his own personal nightmare.

Highly rewatchable, even the slightly forced romantic subplot works, and in the middle section when they take their time showing Phil’s “experimenting”, as he tests the boundaries of what he can get away with, there isn’t a wasted opportunity to squeeze another laugh.

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Hot Fuzz

I love every bit of Hot Fuzz.

The action scenes in Hot Fuzz would almost justify entry into the Best Action Flicks of the 00s list, but as they are played expertly for laughs, and the rest of the film is piss-funny too, here we are.

Simon Pegg and director Edgar Wright first gifted us Shaun of the Dead (which could have argued its way onto this list), I ultimately plumped for Hot Fuzz as it should be easier to parody a horror film because for a start many of them are laughable without even trying. But making an action-comedy that worked by itself as both a great movie, and ALSO a brilliant send-up of the very genre it celebrates is as hard to do as this sentence is to read!

The cameos are funny, not overplayed or wasted, the action sequences funny and cool, the throwaway lines, the callbacks to previous scenes and jokes, even the references to earlier crappy action films.

007 himself plays a pompous git who gets what’s coming to him, Constable Angel flying kicks a 70 year old granny, and gets laughs, the death scenes are both hilarious yet justify squirming at the level of gore, and none of it degenerates into lazy humour.

Somehow they even manage to squeeze jokes out of dead street performers, crazy local accents, ice-cream brain-freeze and a rogue swan.

So in summation: I love every bit of Hot Fuzz.

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Zoolander

Zoolander is sometimes bagged for the very reason it is so witty and smart, because the lead character is so insipid and dumb.

Zoolander takes the male modeling industry and makes it (intentionally) funny. There are cameos galore, hilarious scenes for the duration of the film and I’ll bet you money that you’ve heard someone pose for a picture and say they are giving you the “Magnum” in the past few months.

Zoolander is most of all proof that Ben Stiller can be funny, David Duchovny can be vaguely interesting, Lenny Kravitz and Fabio have a sense of humour and can poke fun at themselves, David Bowie is very media savvy (this and his turn in Extras prove that he can stay ion public consciousness by only appearing every few years), and that people are still too PC when a stupid comedy pokes fun at a country (Sorry Malaysia).

Zoolander is incredibly rewatchable never dull, altogether too quotable and I haven’t even mentioned Owen Wilson as Hansel, easily the funniest comedy performance of the decade from the moment he enters the scene to his last pout.

Mr Stiller, stop relying on mainstream-pleasing “Focker-y” and talk-show appearances, revisit Zoolander once more and drag Owen Wilson along.

Please, your film-legacy depends on it.

THIS JUST IN! I read on the net today that Stiller is revisiting Zoolander again sometime in the near future. Gee I hope he makes it worthwhile!

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The Blues Brothers

Whew, I set myself up when I said the first film on this list was the most quotable, even though I stand by my claim The Blues Brothers ain’t too far behind.

Without doubt the best of the Saturday Night Live conversions, The Blues Brothers is brilliant from start to finish and neatly hops genres along the way.

You want an action sequence? Just wait a minute.

A breathtaking car chase featuring amazingly impossible pile-ups and peppered with sight gags and jokes? Gotcha.

Several musical numbers by all-time musical luminaries that are both great and further the story? Check.

All the while two ugly white guys in bad suits and unnecessary sunglasses wander around on a self-dubbed “Mission from God”. the truth is exposed, and we learn the origins of the beats, who is behind it and why.

Too many films from the 80s and earlier have not dated well, people have shorter attention spans, we want wall-to-wall action, something popping every minute and jokes-jokes-jokes from our comedies.

The Blues Brothers is as fresh today as when I watched it with my lower jaw gaping 25 + years ago in one of my first excursions to the movies, and it is so unique that it probably will be in another 20 something years.

Oh, and it belongs on this list because it is funny as shit.

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The 40 Year-Old Virgin

I started this list a few months ago and got sidetracked. Lists are easy and hard, I can’t be bothered watching 20 films to pare the list down and include specifics, but I need to properly rank and describe why the titles are here.

Just writing 10 names shouldn’t be enough.

So thanks to me watching The 40 Year Old Virgin a few nights back I re-committed myself to the task, as experiencing a great movie reminds you why you watch them in the first place, and The 40 YOV is definitely great.

Let’s see,

- The funniest movie of the dubbos (Zoolander #2, Hot Fuzz #3),

- Basically reinvigorated the ad-libbing approach to comedy (that has unfortunately been overdone already),

- Reminded the public that R Rated comedies can be funny without simply having salivating horny teens and people mistakenly drinking various bodily fluids,

- Introduced a new generation of comedic actors, (along with “Apatow-Family” films Superbad and Knocked Up. Though I swear we’ll live to regret Jonah Hill.)

- Made trash-talking and teasing funny again, and not simply mean and pointless.

- Gave me an excuse to call my Fantasy NBA team “Boner Jamz 3” without embarrassment.

I’m more expansive HERE but The 40 YOV is funny, smart, memorable and well meaning, all wrapped up in one filthy, foul mouthed package.

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Tremors

“That B movie horror thing about stupid worms you say?” Well allow me to retort.

“Damn it Valentine, you never take the long view. I mean, here it is Monday, and I’m, already thinkin’ of Wednesday… It is Monday right?”

Tremors is by no means a B movie, even if it probably did have a B movie budget, nor is it a horror flick beyond the fact that it deals with giant underground killer worms that is.

“Here is some Swiss cheese and some bullets.”

Tremors is 90 minutes of perfection set in Perfection, every line seems perfect, every gesture and action between old friends and work buddies Val and Earl seems appropriate and hilarious.

“Just a few household chemicals in the proper proportions.”

The worms are beautifully underplayed until they become necessary half way through the film, this isn’t laugh a minute stuff but I’ve watched this film a minimum of a dozen times, know every line and still smile for the duration of the running time.

“Who died and made you Einstein?”

Tremors is either the most carefully and painstakingly crafted “small” movie that I have in my collection, or the most magnificent cinematic accident ever immortalized on film.

“Be adviser however that there are two more: repeat, two more Mother-Humpers.”

Put another way, Tremors is the ONLY FILM that I would defend by saying “Well you just don’t get it then”.

“Running’s not a plan. Running is what you do when a plan fails!”

If you don’t like Tremors you are just plain wrong.

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Toy Story 2

“But Toy Story 2 is a kid’s movie!”

Perhaps (but not really), and funny is funny.

The original Toy Story was a landmark in animation and made advancements in computer generated films that we are still seeing today, and in the case of films like Shrek 3 and Planet 51, are still paying for.

But it was also a great movie and introduced some characters that still resonate 15 + years later. Toy Story 2 not only kept the charm of the original, but was actually an improvement in almost every way on what was a great first film anyway.

The movie is funnier from start to finish, sad without being too corny, and endlessly inventive. It also doesn’t just take the lazy way out with pop culture references and an “it” soundtrack, (sorry “Robots”), instead plumping for a storyline and jokes developed and earned from what we know of the characters themselves.

Unlike GI Joe and Transformers, Toy Story 2 is not a movie based upon a series of brand, relying on the fame and familiarity of the original toy. It is a movie whose main characters happen to be toys, this means that Buzz and Woody are popular because people like the character.

Now 15 years later I don’t know of any kid under 5 or 6 who doesn’t own a Buzz or Woody toy, I know there’s a few in my house. Also, hearing “I wanna watch Buzz and Woody”, makes me far more relieved than cries for Elmo, Dora or the Backyardigans (the latest fave), because I know I can watch something that I like too.

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Major League

The one film on this list that I haven’t seen for so long that I was compelled to dust it off and watch it yet again, that’ll come soon.

Major League is a film based upon characters who play a sport that isn’t popular in Australia, and while I know the basic rules I can’t fathom why it is as popular as it is in the US. After all, if you hit a ball or throw one you can be a megastar, there doesn’t seem to be the skillset required of the NBA, NHL or NFL.

In any case baseball is big business in America even though it sucks, but at least it has given the world one awesomely funny sports movie, the only one to my knowledge, (and some crappy sequels).

Centred around the Cleveland Indians, whose owner decides to put together a team of also rans and never-was’s to fail so dismally that she can move the team to a sunnier location. Only the team that she puts together gels and makes a late push towards respectability.

Will they succeed despite the odds? Of course but who cares about the standard plot. Major League is about the jokes, Tom Berenger proving he can do funny, Wesley Snipes mugging for the camera, Charlie Sheen doing the tough guy shtick and even Corbin Bernsen playing the prima donna pretty boy to the hilt.

Every sports film seems to have the same roles, the tough guy, the eccentric guy, the ladies man etc… Major League has all of these yet it somehow works and is still one of the funniest films start to finish that I have seen.

And even though baseball must be the dullest sport I have ever seen on TV if you don’t get goosebumps as the film moves to inevitable conclusion you have never followed a sports team before.

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The Ref

I will be the first to admit that the humour in The Ref is not for everyone, the bulk of the laughs are derived from the various put-downs and downright nasty comments that feature in almost every conversation had between the principal characters. But if you like a bit of sarcasm and cynical humour then there ain’t much better.

Dennis Leary is a motor-mouth and at his funniest when allowed to rant uninterrupted, this usually isn’t possible in your standard Hollywood film, but this isn’t your standard Hollywood middle of the road puff-piece.

Here Leary plays a small time crook named Gus who is inadvertently embroiled in a family dispute that has been simmering for quite a while, and conveniently comes to a head at Christmas, as these things tend to do with so many people in such close proximity to each other… and to alcohol.

Hate filled dialogue is directed everywhere, the parents Lloyd and Caroline, (Kevin Spacey and Judy ), resent Gus for choosing their home of all places to hide out, the parents hate each other, the kid hates everyone and thinks everyone hates him. The extended family show up, they hate each other and resent being at the house for Christmas…

And everyone hates Grandma, with good reason.

Comedies don’t come much blacker than this, but it is always funny, very clever at times and if you can set aside your PC detector there is a lot to like about The Ref.

Unfortunately this was a “little” movie, without the obvious marketing angle of mainstream comedy and also without a buzzworthy feature like Bad Santa, so it remains underrated and relatively unknown.

Definitely worth tracking down though, if only for Caroline’s increasingly drunken stories that become more and more painful and the Christmas dinner goes on.

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So that’s my list. Apologies if your favourite American Pie, Date Movie or 80s supposedly-quotable -but-hasn’t-dated-at-all-well flick didn’t make the cut. I call ‘em as I see ‘em.

Always welcome feedback though, even if it is wrong, disagrees.

Oh, and Will ferrell fans, I didn’t accidentally omit anything by having only one movie on the list, in which he appears only briefly. Any movie that he has starred in since A Night at the Roxbury SUCKED! (Roxbury coming soon though.)

March 3, 2010

Edge of Darkness

Filed under: Movies, New-Ish — OGR @ 9:36 am

“I’m the guy with nothing to lose who doesn’t give a shit!”

This film is embedded firmly within the “They messed with the wrong guy” genre. In fact at one point Mel Gibson even looks at a guy and says “I’m the guy with nothing to lose who doesn’t give a shit!”

Duh Mel. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but in almost every movie you’ve made you’re that guy as well.

But Edge of Darkness is other things as well within the genre.

- It is a leap of faith film. We’re expected to believe that one guy can be far more resourceful, smarter and effective than the dozens of others investigating the case, even when the entire way others are trying to hamper his progress and in some cases kill him.

- It is a what the? film. At one point Mel holds an in-car conversation with a young woman. The conversation last a few minutes and at the close she says something like “I’m done with this”, and opens the door and steps out. At exactly that moment a car hurtles into her, shears off the car door and leaves her crumpled on the road. (Seconds later Mel pumps a dozen or so rounds into the windscreen where the car then careens over a carefully placed ramp and flips at high speed into the river.) Now back to the car crash, if the woman had 1/ glanced at the rear view mirror or 2/ chosen to exit the car at almost any other point: the other car would have harmlessly yet noisily flown by with no impact. It is practically impossible to plan a hit in this way given such normally random circumstances. But it did look pretty cool when it happened on film, no argument there.

- It is a quiet/loud film. Dialogue is generally toned down so that you progressively concentrate a bit harder to hear what is going on and then BLAMMO!, something happens and people bleed a bit or exit the film suddenly. It means that the loud bits are more impactful but in the cinema I was in meant I missed a lot of the dialogue as the quiet bits were just too damn quiet.

- It is most of all a black and white film. The bad guys are bad from the start, the good guys are easily identifiable. Good and bad die along the way and we know from minute 1 Mel will end up in a shootout with the lead baddies.

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So what is Edge of Darkness about?

Mel is Tom Craven, a Boston cop. After his daughter is killed in an apparent attempt on his life Mel, I mean Tom switches to Payback mode and proceeds to “get to the bottom of this”.

Along the way he finds that his daughter Emma was part of “something bigger”, in this case the “something” involves a large corporation, headed by a smarmy prick named Bennett. From this point though it seems that as Tom gets closer to the truth someone is cleaning things up from the other end.

As Tom continues his search he meets Jedburgh, played by Ray Winstone in a manner that suggests that he is weary with his occupation, but is still not a man to be fucked with. Jedburgh is “the guy called in when there is a problem”, he is cold, dispassionate, dangerous and apparently all-knowing in a way that I hope can only exist in films.

Despite all the clichés and pseudo-warnings above Edge of Darkness is good at what it does, the action is good, the bad guys suitably bad and Tom is allowed to dispose of as many of them as he likes with seemingly no implications along the way.

The plot also allows for Tom to progress his search and move up the line towards the Big Bad Guy at the finale in a reasonably logical order without losing the audience, and if things get a little convoluted Jedburgh  simply appears so that they can have a conversation and allow everyone to catch up.

Basically it is Taken with politicians and white collar businessmen instead of European prostitution ring members. Now I thought Taken was one of the better mindless action flicks of the last few years, and while Edge of Darkness is not in that league it is a reasonable facsimile and worth a look.

I might add a disclaimer here and say that I loathe Mel Gibson the man for two reasons; his moronic outburst to the police a couple years back that proved he was (at least at that time) a pretty worthless human being, and the fact that he makes good movies and is likeable, even when playing a ruthless “guy with nothing to lose”. The second point makes the first one that much harder to swallow.

Final Rating – 7 / 10. This film might be a lot of things, but at the very least it is always entertaining.

March 1, 2010

The Myth

Filed under: Movies, The Jackie Chan-A-Thon, Video Shop Blitzkrieg — OGR @ 7:07 pm

Jackie is actually two Jackies. A General in ancient China charged with the protection of the soon-to-be princess, and his own descendant, an archaeologist named Jack.

Jack’s research leads him on a search for the lost princess from 1000 years earlier. He is aided by dreams and messages from his ancestor General Moong Yi.

There are a couple of inventive fights early on in the piece, but the constant era criss-crossing, a confusing story and the inclusion of too many characters only highlights the fact that Jackie is slowing down here (he is 50 after all!).

All the wire-work and dodgy CGI can’t hide that, especially in the pointless ending sequence.

1/ Are there any “WOW!” fights?

One good but brief sword fight. All hand to hand stuff is inventive but obviously wire-assisted.

2/ Are there any “WOW!” stunts?

Nope, anything that would ordinarily be impressive is let down by the obvious wire-work.

3/ Which Jackie is it? Serious / Whimsical / Cocky etc…

Serious & Romantic. (But corny romantic.)

4/ Does he get to use Jackie-exclusive toys?

Yep, modern day Jack has a deluxe batchin’ pad with an indoor basketball court and personal driving range. (Not bad on an archaeologist’s wage.)

5/ Do stolen relics come up?

Yes.

6/ Are there hot chicks (that usually can’t act)?

Major Yep. Mellika Sherawat (smokin’ hot) & the Princess is OK.

7/ Is there a blooper reel over the credits?

Yes, but tellingly the bloopers are all related to wire-work mishaps and faulty props.

8/ Were there injuries on the shoot? Severity?

Nope.

9/ Has he still got it?

Alas no, not even flashes of the old Jackie.

10/ Is it a “Jackie Chan” film, or just one he is in?

Nope. He proves he is still agile but is no longer explosive and capable of rockin’ the house.

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. The Myth is CGI-assisted Jackie Chan lite, and even as a non-action film it is too confusing and the ending is disappointingly bland. (I repeat: Mellika Sherawat is hotttt.)

February 27, 2010

The Road

Filed under: Movies, New-Ish — OGR @ 11:30 am

To paraphrase the great Tenacious D: "The Road is fuckin' hard. The Road is fuckin' tuff!"

Normally I find it hard to recommend that someone watch films that I find legitimately depressing. Why would I suggest that someone go out of their way to make themselves sad?

Normally films that have the greater impact are realistic films, the first scene in Saving Private Ryan, Hotel Rwanda or Schindler’s List, because you know that these events happened and that real people were killed in horrible and ultimately unnecessary ways.

The Road is different, it deals with a possible but by no means likely future, but it handles the material in such a serious manner and with a firm grip on maintaining the appearance of realism that it still has impact.

Far more than I would have thought possible after I realized where it was headed after the first few minutes.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

In this potential future mankind has largely been wiped out yet again. Geez if any of the 37 films that portray potential futures prove correct we are all doomed.

In this case the globe has been largely stripped of any life giving assets, plants, trees and wildlife are virtually extinct, water is tainted and basically food sources have been exhausted.

We meet the two main characters huddled together yet exposed to the elements, they are never named as anything other than Father and Son/Boy, and we learn in flashback why they are Father and Boy, and not Father, Mother and Boy.

Father (Viggo Mortenson) is weathered and worn, both by the environment and the burden of being solely responsible for the survival and wellbeing of the Boy, who I am guessing is 10 or 11.

In this post-apocalyptic world Father has decided to head to the coast to see if things are better there, and as they can ultimately trust no-one they are always on the move and wary of anyone they come across, which doesn’t occur often in any case.

Father and Boy are “The Good Guys”, meaning that as well as looking after each other they also don’t eat others…

Now might be a good time to mention that when people run out of food and are starving to death, it is perhaps inevitable that they will seek alternatives, and in this potential future it appears that even cockroaches didn’t make it though, so other people are apparently back on the menu.

So being cold, wet, hungry and miserable, cold, wet hungry, miserable and on the menu is another altogether. No wonder they don’t seek the companionship of others.

What set The Road apart from say The Book of Eli or other visions of a bleak future, is that there are no fabulous stunts or creatively gory or spectacular kills here, nor is there a principal threat who stalks Father and Boy through the film. Where possible the duo shy away from all other contact, they run when it is relevant or even if they are unsure and basically they act as you would think you would if you were ever in their tattered shoes.

There is really only one notable scene in the movie that stands out from others, and even that is not played up as being any more than another situation that they must remove themselves from.

At one point in the film Father and Boy find respite and sustenence, they indulge themselves as best they can, with baths and a haircut. But we know this cannot last and it is not too long before they are once again pushing forward to an unknown destiny.

There are bit characters that enter and leave the story with equal pace, there only because that is what would happen in this time. These include an almost unrecognizable Guy Pearce and an equally disheveled and decrepit, thankfully none of these scenes are played to have any more impact or importance than others. As with everything else that occurs along the way these are simply things that happen while they concentrate on surviving.

This is the kind of movie that even when things go well for the pair we know that it will be brief, in such a harsh environment nobody actually wins anyway, there is only temporary respite from unrelenting danger.

It is unfortunately true that sometimes not everything happens for a reason, random events and people transpire to prevent you from reaching your goals, even if they do not plan to. This is the saddest movie I’ve seen in years, it moves inevitably towards an unknown end, but one which seems destined for even more pain and loss.

Final Rating – 7.5 / 10. Has more impact than 99% of other movies that I have seen for a while. Quite a depressing film, but one worth watching. (Warning: If you have a kid you might even squeeze out a tear or two.)

February 25, 2010

Pontypool

Filed under: Movies, Video Shop Blitzkrieg, Worthwhile Horror Movies — OGR @ 6:28 pm

Terrible name. Half a great movie.

Is it fair to review half a movie? Or to recommend that you turn the DVD player off after a certain duration of running time?

I ask because I am torn here after watching the little-known Pontypool, a film that could have been amazingly effective but ended up disappointing, despite the pass mark I ultimately chose to give it.

Anyone who loves the horror genre knows that at least 2/3 of horror films suck arse, it’s just a fact. You need to watch 5 films to see a decent one, and perhaps 20 to watch a great film, this means that anyone sifting through will waste many hours watching sub-par stuff, it’s just what is required.

Example? By my rough numbers I have reviewed over 50 horror films since I started writing on this site, to date I would only call three “Great” horror movies, and that is if I am generous enough to include Blade 2 as a horror movie in the first place, (ordinarily I wouldn’t but I can see the argument). The other two being The Thing and Session 9. I have seen a lot more than that of course, just haven’t reviewed them yet.

So when you are watching a film and the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and you realize, “Hang on, this is pretty good. They’re actually taking this seriously and I reckon this is going somewhere”, anticipation inevitably builds, because this just might be one film that you can wholeheartedly recommend to your mates, even the casual horror fan.

Halfway through Pontypool was exactly that, an extremely successful exercise in building tension and putting the audience on-edge through the unseen. You didn’t know what was happening but you knew eventually it would all come into focus and that this could be great.

Then it all went for practically nothing with a hokey plot device and my pet hate: the attempted justification for whatever is causing the scares in the first place.

Pity, because at one point this was building to something “all-time list” good.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

After a brief but oddly off-putting intro over the credits, the film proper starts innocuously enough. A guy wearing a big black cowboy hat is driving along through a snowstorm in pitch black darkness arguing on the phone, he throws down the mobile in disgust and when it starts ringing again he must stop the car in order to retrieve it without running off the road.

It is when he is momentarily parked on the verge that a well dressed woman appears and starts rapping on his passenger window, the man opens the window enough to hear her talking to him, though while she is speaking in English none of what she says makes any sense, and with that she backs away and more or less vanishes into the night.

A little shaken the man continues on and ends up at what we find is his workplace, a local radio station.

The gent is named Grant Mazzy, and he is the local early morning DJ, best described as the deep gravelly voiced guy with an opinion on everything, he feels a little out of place in a backwoods country Canadian town (the titular Pontypool) and seems to draw more than a little pleasure from winding up the producer of his AM show, a woman named Sydney. The third member of the early morning crew is the receptionist / technical expert, a young woman named Laurel Ann.

This particular morning, early traffic stop aside, starts typically enough, with small town news stories and some long and rambling monologues from Mazzy, however over the news wire comes a news story that seems important enough to interrupt the running sheet to broadcast live.

It seemed that the normally sleepy town had an eventful period, with local police reporting a disturbance involving local residents. When Mazzymakes light of the situation and insinuates that all involve were likely quite intoxicated Sydneytakes offence, while indicating that this was very likely the case and is therefore more depressing than amusing, as it affected real lives.

This shortly after proves to be the least of their worries though…

The local “eye in the sky” Ken, (actually a guy parked in on a hill watching the town through binoculars playing helicopter SFX) calls in to report further disruption in the town, this time far more serious. His concerned tone becomes more passionate and almost hysterical as he describes in some detail graphic violence and disturbing events as they apparently play out before him.

As the allegations are not yet verified or proven Mazzy takes the claims with a pinch of salt and describes “unrest as several people lay siege to the local Doctor’s surgery).

While the production “team” go about trying to clarify the situation and bring some logic to these seemingly irrational proceedings, some light relief arrives in the form of a local choir in support of a show that starts soon. Numbering about 6 and in full fancy Arabian costume (Why? It’s radio guys!) they go through the motions and sing their number to the obvious disdain of Mazzy, who has a hunch that the bigger story is outside. At the conclusion of the performance a young girl starts babbling nonsensical gibberish with such conviction, ending her impromptu plea for committal with a sound repeated over and over again for what seemed like minutes, (but was only a period of seconds).

Kooky huh? At this stage none of the three staff shared that view.

Further reports and calls come into the station that seem equally serious and implausible, if thinking rationally and not in horror movie terms that is, and there is a sense of genuine unease in the isolated radio station studio.

(Also from about the 10 minute mark through the one hour mark as events unfold, Pontypool is genuinely creepy at times and always interesting.)

Further calls, more disgusting and macabre reports and a reported death toll rising rapidly, and Mazzywants out, what he initially treated with a mixture of bemusement and disdain has turned far more extreme, and in a knee-jerk reaction he decides that he is the victim of a sadistic practical joke that he wants nothing to do with. He walks out of the studio and into the freezing outside air, followed by Sydney and Laurel Ann, where he witnesses first hand that this is not a hoax, (or an immensely elaborate one).

It is worth mentioning that aside from Mazzy’s initial drive to the radio station all the events to this stage occurred within the studio. Everything described, including several of the most horrifying elements are never seen, simply accounts given over the phone to the station.

For some reason this is more unnerving than seeing the events themselves, as some of them would be extremely hard to carry out even with CGI and the likely results would be more laughable than shocking. Needless to say as I waited to see where the film was going my level of unease grew steadily.

(There is only one scene shown involving any blood or violence in Pontypool, and even that could hardly be called gore.)

Ken calls in periodically and each time his descriptions are more disturbing and his tone more frantic, understandably so given his first-hand accounts. It seems that the normally quiet town has been quarantined while the cause of the unrest is ascertained.

More off-putting are the instructions given to the survivors “Limit communication, especially affection, and try not to speak English”.

While in writing this may not sound too wierd, check out this for a soundbite from  only a bit later “They need a friend to suicide into”, imagine the possibilities of what that might actually mean!

This is about the time Pontypool goes off the rails. The spoiler free version has a new character introduced to the plot, and he has a theory that rapidly grows into what he believes is the cause of the outbreak. It is the cause that initially seems ludicrous, and then as the movie clumsily grinds to a halt in sensationally awful fashion it becomes even more preposterous and annoying.

To be truthful this movie would have been at least an 8 / 10 if the filmmakers and writers just decided to ignore any cause and just allow the survivors to that point to either escape or die in Hollywood cookie-cutter fashion, such was the strength of the first hour.

By over-reaching and introducing such an obviously far fetched and basically dumb premise into the film they left themselves with nowhere to go but to keep following the stupid plotline to the inevitably disappointing conclusion.

I am rambling now but only because this was such an opportunity wasted, the chance to make a memorable, unique and potentially classic horror movie doesn’t come around too much and in this case a clumsy 30 minutes blew that opportunity.

I’ve decided that filmmakers need to take a risk in order to make something great. The first hour of Pontypool earned an 8.5 rating, but the last third unfortunately missed the mark.

Final Rating – 7 / 10. Despite the hokey ending the first hour or so is first class. I give this film a B and hope that the next film this director makes builds on this promise.

February 24, 2010

Daybreakers

Filed under: Crappy Horror Movies, Movies, New-Ish — OGR @ 9:13 am

One of the more original and effective posters going around.

As a guy I am genetically engineered to hate chick flicks.

Why? I’ll give you two reasons. My testicles.

The story is always formulaic, the laughs generally non-existent and women seem to fawn over things that would never happen, or worse if they happened in real life they would react differently:

“Oh George Clooney left the woman he didn’t really love after 24 years to be with the prom queen. How romantic!”

 Let’s see how romantic that is if it is creepy uncle Frankie in his late 40s with a beer gut hanging around the blue light disco. (Do they even have those any more?)

 Anyway having watched Daybreakers now I have a handle on the female point of view.

Daybreakers is a lazy formula movie for guys, the action never anything more than OK, the story predictable and guys go “ooh” over things that would never happen. You watch it and have forgotten it before the credits finish.

There isn’t even a redeeming feature of ubercool violence or perhaps some gratuitous female nudity. Hell even rom-coms normally have at least one Jennifer on patrol to look at while the missus sobs; Love-Hewitt / Aniston / Lopez.

So in Daybreakers it is apparently 2019. Vampires not only exist but they run shit, and as they feed on humans (natch), and there are so many of them, we are in short supply and the Vamps are suffering “Food shortages”.

Some are literally begging on the streets for even diluted blood, and high rollers savour pure blood when they can get it like expensive wine. The early sequence showing the troubles experienced by the vampire race seems like it would work better if played for laughs (and maybe they were), a Bloodbucks style coffee shop selling 1% blood-coffees and poverty stricken vampires seems more amusing than concerning.

The one cool element that the movie uses is directly stolen from another crappy vampire movie, Blade:Trinity, where corporations farm humans and harvest their blood to create a sustainable supply. It was the only good bit if that movie, and it is basically the only good bit here.

A lack of blood has a mutating effect on vampires, who normally appear like normal humans, but become more and more like the scraggly monsters shown in dodgy horror movies as they deteriorate. Human blood is so scarce that some vampires have taken to cannibalism, which only hastens the mutation.

Ethan Hawke is (slumming it here as) Edward Dalton, a vampire scientist charged with finding alternative sources of vampire food, one of his tests gone wrong provided me with the only chuckle in the film. His boss is played by Sam Neill as the “big corrupt business guy” who cares only about results and profits, Sam always tries but is wasted here in a hammy role.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Sounds awesome so far right? I agree, not really.

So things heat up when Ed has a bingle in his car on the way home from work, and when the occupants of the other vehicle get out they are HUMANS! Ewwww, yuk.

Ed is a bit of a SNAV (Sensitive new age vampire) and he lets them go, and of course a few days later who shows up at Ed’s pad, the humans, that’s who.

It turns out that an “underground railroad” arrangement exists to move humans to freedom, it is run by a former vampire known as Elvis, and played by Willem Dafoe in a role so pointless and pathetic that he will no doubt regret it one day if he doesn’t already.

More things happen, blah, blah, blah…

In essence as happens with these films Ed discovers that he can save both the human and vampire races, and equally predictable is the fact that some nasty parties don’t want that to happen and try to stop him, leading to a crescendo of sorts.

There are some respected actors in Daybreakers that will likely want this stricken from the record, the directors are Australian brothers that made Undead a few years back, which was another plotless wonder with some inventive visuals, just like this.

Character development is minimal, there are only good guys and bad guys and you needn’t bother learning their names, they are only there to move the plot forward to the next bit as swiftly as possible.

Daybreakers is not a horror film, there is one scene only (shown in every clip I have seen) with a pretty gross looking vampire, but the scare factor is negligible.

The previously mentioned experiment gone awry worked in a momentary “Eww gross” way but hardly added much value to proceedings, there are some cool visual effects and the movie looks better than I would guess the budget deserved, but at the end of the day, Daybreakers is really a clichéd cookie cutter disposable flick, the same as hundreds of others released annually.

If I continue to bag every Valentine’s Day and similarly horrid looking rom-com without watching it, I guess in the interest of fairness I need to acknowledge that there are two sides to the argument.

This is most definitely a guy’s equivalent to the cheapie rom-com.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. Disposable and ultimately forgettable. As with so many vampire films you go in with high hopes and leave unsatisfied.

February 22, 2010

Around The World In 80 Days

Filed under: Movies, The Jackie Chan-A-Thon, Video Shop Blitzkrieg — OGR @ 9:15 am

This is basically a film that used Jackie as a drawcard, then made the most inoffensive and colourful film possible, without actually worrying if it is entertaining or not.

The thought process was obviously:

-         Jackie brings the action,

-         Steve Coogan (who is very funny… in other stuff) brings the larfs,

-         Cecile De France (unrecognisable from the chainsaw-wielding psycho of High Tension) brings the hottie factor and

-         Various cameos bring the Wow.

Only the action is only OK, the larfs virtually non-existent, the hotness sadly disappoints and the cameos (bar one) are largely pointless.

Jackie plays a Chinese-French valet to Coogan’s eccentric inventor Phileas Fogg, who accepts a wager that will see him endeavour to cross the globe in 80 days, (this is 1800s Britain after all).

The film sees them (and De France who tags along) go through Europe, Asia (mainly China) and the US, and the film lends itself to chance meetings with various characters, and while they managed to get some names in they never do anything with them.

In 99% of the cameos it is simply “oh that’s that guy!”, check this out:

Richard Branson                                           Pointless

Macy Gray                                                         Pointless

Arnold Schwarzenegger                          Tries comedy with usual results. Terrible.

Samo Hung                                                       Only there for 1 fight, OK.

Maggie Q                                                            Pointless

Rob Schneider                                               Tries comedy with usual results. As much as I hate him he was OK.

Luke & Owen Wilson                                 The only good point, amusing as the Wright Brothers.

John Cleese                                                     Pointless

Kathy Bates                                                     Necessary for the plot. OK.

There is also a clumsy British cop sent to delay their progress whose misfortune is allegedly comical. I think I remember laughing twice in the whole two hours.

This reeks of being a lazy cash in on Chan’s brand by using a familiar story and shoe-horning in a who’s who of known faces. The only funny thing about it is that it tanked big time in cinemas, and ended up losing a bunch of dough.

1/ Are there any “WOW!” fights?

The second hour has a couple of nice fights, the 10 Tigers fight and the Statue of Liberty’s head fight (makes sense once you’ve seen it) are both OK.

2/ Are there any “WOW!” stunts?

Not really.

3/ Which Jackie is it? Serious / Whimsical / Cocky etc…

Crowd-pleasing, inoffensive and whimsical.

4/ Does he get to use Jackie-exclusive toys?

Not really.

5/ Do stolen relics come up?

Yes.

6/ Are there hot chicks (that usually can’t act)?

No, I don’t count the cuteness (at best) of Cecile De France as hotness.

7/ Is there a blooper reel over the credits?

No.

8/ Were there injuries on the shoot? Severity?

No.

9/ Has he still got it?

The 10 tiger’s fight was a worthy flashback… but alas no.

10/ Is it a “Jackie Chan” film, or just one he is in?

More a Steve Coogan vehicle cashing in on the JC brand.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. In some ways I am glad this failed so spectacularly, this is lazy, unfocussed filmmaking.

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