This month I noticed a couple snake-related titles in my queue and decided to go with my first ‘themed’ B Movie Haiku issue. There are millions of snake related films made over the decades (probably not millions but lots) and for the most part they all suck to varying degrees.
The original Anaconda remains a guilty pleasure and Snakes on a Plane stole the limelight briefly until everyone watched it and realised just how calculated – and terrible – it all was, and aside from Sam Jax spitting his line near the end (I don’t even need to write it do I? Suffice to say the M-F combo comes up a couple times, but I’m pretty sure the M-F slips out when Sam is ordering his hotel pancakes – with mother-fuckin’ syrup please Bitch!) .
Here are a few titlesssss that sssstretch the friendssssship though.
Hisss
This ‘arthouse’ flick is from director Jennifer Lynch, who made the film that launched a thousand teenage zippers in the 90s Boxing Helena (where an in her prime Sherilyn Fenn was kept naked – and minus a few limbs – in the titular receptacle), she is also the daughter of renowned nutbar David Lynch.
It was made in India for cross-marketing purposes, and is about a snake that takes human form to enact revenge on those of who have wronged her.
Take a squiz at the poster. Yes I watched this for potential nudity.
The Plot
‘Na-gin’, half wo-man, half snake
Fer-til-i-ty God
Key to im-mor-tal-i-ty
The Action
Thread-bare ex-cuse of a plot
Bad white guy takes mate
Whole film count-down to rev-enge
In Summation
Snake ma-ma is hot. Real hot!
Good stuff just im-plied
More skin from snake shed-ding
The only tension supplied in this lousy film is the will-she or won’t-she get her kit off (she won’t). Aside from some quick glimpses and ‘was that a nipple?’ moments you’d do better with google. As far as the film goes you’d do better with countless thousands of other terrible films.
Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. Put a ‘Boo’ in front of the title and you can succinctly sum up my attitude to this crap.
Anacondas
This sequel to the unexpected late 90s reptile based action film starring Ice T and J-Lo’s ass is more deliberate and less cheesy than I expected. But when you are talking about a giant snake film is that really a good thing?
The Plot
Life pro-long-ing blood orc-hid
Sci-en-tists want it
But gi-ant snakes like it too…
The Action
Same old crew of char-ac-ters
Chix, meat-heads and such
All just mice to the slau-ghter
In Summation
Pat-ient build up to snake-fest
Leads to hec-tic end
As ‘s’ sug-gests; more than one!
It’s hard to be disappointed after watching a 90 minute film set in the jungle where the only thing of note that happens is people getting eaten by giant CGI snakes. After all you just rented a film called Anacondas, a sequel to a middling film in the first place where the only ‘stars’ to return are 50 foot long, slithery and computer generated.
Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. Aim low and you can achieve your goals more easily. A mediocre film in a mediocre franchise that does everything you can expect and nothing else. (Could’ve had more nudity!)
Mega-Python Vs Gatoroid
After Mega Piranha unexpectedly provided me with some of the most fun albeit largely unintentional entertainment late last year I have taken a few more chances to see if I could uncover another similar treasure. Sharktopus failed me and suggested that maybe Mega Piranha was a fluke, but with pudgy 80s one hit wonder Tiffany back on deck, another hazy memory from the 90s in Debbie Gibson and yet another “mega’ creature on the loose maybe Mega-Python Vs Gatoroid will produce the goods?
After all, when super snakes meet genetically altered alligators in the swamps of America’s deep South, surely hilarity will ensue?
The Plot
Snakes re-leased to ev-er-glades
By bad act-or-vists (Activists but also bad actors)
Grow huge n kill all ga-tors
The Action
Bo-dies pile up. Snakes, gaits, guys
When Tiff’s man goes down
Give ga-tors ‘roids to fight back
In Summation
Spark from Meg-a P long gone
Light-ning don’t strike twice
It’s been done, but way bet-ter
The crappiness it all was bad enough, seeing a giant snake eating a train wasn’t as amusing this time round. The scariest two things in the film were the appearance of Tiffany’s giant – and not in a good way – cleavage and her skintight outfits, which weren’t really supposed to be skintight…
They even dragged out the “I think we’re alone now” reference that I cried out for in Mega Piranha, but as they so obviously missed their chance there it drew little more that snorts of derision.
Final Rating – 5 / 10. The first time little kids put on a massively flawed but good natured play you laugh at their efforts, the 73rd time they drag you to essentially the same thing, you wouldn’t be as accommodating. I am Mega-over these films.
