WHO is the idiot that watched this? Oh yeah right…
Ever wonder just how dumb some of the characters in schlocky horror films really are?
First let me set the scene: After a night of drunken partying in N’Awlins some horny, stoned, drunk teens – 5 in all – head home. Unfortunately they crash on the way home, and for some insanely inexplicable reason actually end up on the body of a man dressed in hospital patient attire.
Now let’s do a quick questionnaire!
Why? |
Did no-one say “that’s a little odd!”? Especially when literally 30 seconds later an ambulance screams around the corner, picks up the body and sez “You guys should come too to check out your bumps”.
They leave the car and hop right in…
Why? |
When in the hospital does no-one think it odd that they must be checked out one at a time by the Doc, and you can’t even check on your friends?
“That’s the last time I date Chris Brown.”
Why? |
Would someone in the waiting room answer an unattended ringing hospital reception phone? Furthermore who would then investigate where the call might have come from?
Who? |
Can tear apart an attacker with their bare hands?
Who? |
Agrees to a needle in the spine to extract fluid to check a knock to the head? (You might respond “they didn’t know better”, but in this case it was a med student!)
Everything seems in order…
Which? |
5 teens go out for a night nowadays and not one of them has a mobile phone?
Which? |
Teen can’t explain succinctly enough to a cop that something is suss as a bloodied and seedy looking orderly stands by in menacing fashion?
Who? |
Doesn’t have some sort of lingering effect – or even noticeable pain – after being drilled in the head for about a minute?
Who? |
Doesn’t show a little nekkid flesh in a shitty generic gore film with 2 hot chicks running around in tight clothes?
And finally…
Who? |
Deserves to die in bloodcurdling agony at the hands of an evil nurse (played by Vazquez in Aliens and one of the vampires in Near Dark), a seedy orderly (one of the seedy orderlies in Kill Bill – typecast!) and a maniacal and depraved Doctor (only Robert Patrick – T1000 himself!)?
“Nope John Connor isn’t here either.”
Answer? |
Only the vacuous dipshit teens in Autopsy, an awful excuse for a so-called horror film that is essentially an excuse to highlight some so-so gore effects. That’s…
Who? |
Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. I have low expectations for these things going in. When 8 minutes in I know exactly where this is headed and that there is 0% chance those low expectations will be met it is disappointing – not as disappointing as knowing I still have 80 minutes still to go though.
