Check here for the drill, let’s get into the 17 syllable version of some of the crap I watched recently!
Dark Star
Before John Carpenter started prefacing his films with “John Carpenter’s Something from Somewhere”, he was a creepy looking (I assume, google him now) long haired kid who loved movies so much he made what equates to a student film. Because he became famous – in cult circles at least – this film gained renown. Does it deserve this? Let’s read on…
Plot overview
Space-hip-pies in le-go ship
Fang-ing thru deep space
Blow-ing shit up but bor-ing
The action
Bad effects, much worse di-a-logue
Nei-ther wit nor flair
You will sleep be-fore cred-its
In summation
Well this fuck-ing sucks dog-balls
Lou-sy stu-dent film
Keep prac-tise films to your-self
Final Rating – 2 / 10. I have defended Carpenter at times, lauded (The Thing) and criticised him (Ghosts of Mars) at others. There is no defending the indefensible though. I need to realise that not every director peaks early, perhaps the directors might realise this too and save us from their pathetic early stuff.
Coffy
After reading a best-of outlining the best exploitation films I decided to check out both Coffy and Foxy Brown to see what all the fuss is about.
Plot Overview
Young Pam in her bux-om prime
In-fil-trates crime gang
To av-enge the death of sis
The action
Ev-ry white guy is rac-ist
Ev-ry guy a prick
Coff-y must deal with them all
In summation
A hea-vy han-ded mess-age
Tit-ties a-plen-ty
Coff-y cracks crims n crook cops
Final Rating – 5 / 10. All hail a film with a female hero – as long as she gets her yams out 3 or 4 times and manages to similarly disrobe a dozen other women in cat-fights so obvious they are only missing a jelly pit.
Foxy Brown
The poster blurb is almost a haiku!
Once Coffy made a few bucks the team behind it decided to maximise the potential of Pam’s massive rack by making a film that was damn near a replica of the first.
Plot Overview
To know all a-bout Fox-y
See Pam in Cof-fy
This is ex-act-ly the same
Final Rating – 6 / 10. Seriously; fine black woman infiltrates drug gang by pretending to be a hooker to avenge the death of a loved one – pausing only to get nekkid a few times.
I’ll diverge from the usual formula here to make one point. Pam’s man was an undercover cop who at the start of the film has massive facial surgery to make him look like another man so he can enter society with no fear of reprisals from criminals. After months of recovery the bandages are peeled off to reveal a new face – with no facial hair and neatly trimmed sideburns.
Classic. That right there earned Foxy Brown the one point edge over Coffy.
Lake Placid 3
We all know Lake Placid from the 90s with the killer crocs and snappy dialogue. I didn’t even know there was a Lake Placid 2, let alone this low budget cash in.
Plot Overview
Bet-ty white is dead and gone
But her crocs live strong
They need vic-tims to chew on
The action
The ve-ry worst of the worst
Hard to pick low-point
It’s all so de-plor-a-ble
In summation
Av-oid this mess at all costs
4-T min-utes in
Stopped laugh-in’ star-ted hat-in’
Final Rating – 1.5 / 10. 57 syllables isn’t nearly enough space to illustrate how much of an abomination Lake Placid 3 is. I’ll put it as clearly as I can – 2 minutes in there is full frontal female nudity, about 40 minutes after that a hot chick gets her gear off.
That said I STILL plead with you not to bother with this shit.
- It is the worst any-budget film that I can recall voluntarily viewing.
- Labeling this as laughable implies some laughter, I only cringed and seethed – not always silently.
- A slap in the face to a video renter.
- So bad even drinking games turn to drinking.
Have I made myself clear?
Phew rough month. I need to watch some good films to cleanse myself of this stench of filth.
