B-Movie Haiku Reviews – Dark Star / Coffy / Foxy Brown / Lake Placid 3

Check here for the drill, let’s get into the 17 syllable version of some of the crap I watched recently!

Dark Star

Before John Carpenter started prefacing his films with “John Carpenter’s Something from Somewhere”, he was a creepy looking (I assume, google him now) long haired kid who loved movies so much he made what equates to a student film. Because he became famous – in cult circles at least – this film gained renown. Does it deserve this? Let’s read on…

Plot overview

Space-hip-pies in le-go ship

Fang-ing thru deep space

Blow-ing shit up but bor-ing

The action

Bad effects, much worse di-a-logue

Nei-ther wit nor flair

You will sleep be-fore cred-its

In summation

Well this fuck-ing sucks dog-balls

Lou-sy stu-dent film

Keep prac-tise films to your-self

Final Rating – 2 / 10. I have defended Carpenter at times, lauded (The Thing) and criticised him (Ghosts of Mars) at others. There is no defending the indefensible though. I need to realise that not every director peaks early, perhaps the directors might realise this too and save us from their pathetic early stuff.


After reading a best-of outlining the best exploitation films I decided to check out both Coffy and Foxy Brown to see what all the fuss is about.

Plot Overview

Young Pam in her bux-om prime

In-fil-trates crime gang

To av-enge the death of sis

The action

Ev-ry white guy is rac-ist

Ev-ry guy a prick

Coff-y must deal with them all

In summation

A hea-vy han-ded mess-age

Tit-ties a-plen-ty

Coff-y cracks crims n crook cops

Final Rating – 5 / 10. All hail a film with a female hero – as long as she gets her yams out 3 or 4 times and manages to similarly disrobe a dozen other women in cat-fights so obvious they are only missing a jelly pit.

Foxy Brown

The poster blurb is almost a haiku!

Once Coffy made a few bucks the team behind it decided to maximise the potential of Pam’s massive rack by making a film that was damn near a replica of the first.

Plot Overview

To know all a-bout Fox-y

See Pam in Cof-fy

This is ex-act-ly the same

Final Rating – 6 / 10. Seriously; fine black woman infiltrates drug gang by pretending to be a hooker to avenge the death of a loved one – pausing only to get nekkid a few times.

I’ll diverge from the usual formula here to make one point. Pam’s man was an undercover cop who at the start of the film has massive facial surgery to make him look like another man so he can enter society with no fear of reprisals from criminals. After months of recovery the bandages are peeled off to reveal a new face – with no facial hair and neatly trimmed sideburns.

Classic. That right there earned Foxy Brown the one point edge over Coffy.

Lake Placid 3

We all know Lake Placid from the 90s with the killer crocs and snappy dialogue. I didn’t even know there was a Lake Placid 2, let alone this low budget cash in.

Plot Overview

Bet-ty white is dead and gone

But her crocs live strong

They need vic-tims to chew on

The action

The ve-ry worst of the worst

Hard to pick low-point

It’s all so de-plor-a-ble

In summation

Av-oid this mess at all costs

4-T min-utes in

Stopped laugh-in’ star-ted hat-in’

Final Rating – 1.5 / 10. 57 syllables isn’t nearly enough space to illustrate how much of an abomination Lake Placid 3 is. I’ll put it as clearly as I can – 2 minutes in there is full frontal female nudity, about 40 minutes after that a hot chick gets her gear off.

That said I STILL plead with you not to bother with this shit.

  • It is the worst any-budget film that I can recall voluntarily viewing.
  • Labeling this as laughable implies some laughter, I only cringed and seethed – not always silently.
  • A slap in the face to a video renter.
  • So bad even drinking games turn to drinking.

Have I made myself clear?

Phew rough month. I need to watch some good films to cleanse myself of this stench of filth.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
This entry was posted in B Movie Haiku Reviews, Crappy Movies, Film, Movie Reviews, The 7th Level of Suck. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.