The Bunker (Review)

This request came from a mysterious man known only as Alphabe, he is either a supervillian in training – or maybe French. In any case he has much to answer for.

You know when someone breathlessly announces “I’ve got a joke for ya!”, then proceeds to blunder and lurch through two minutes of nonsensical ramblings that end with the teller standing open mouthed, wide eyed, with his palms out – expecting a rapturous response…

And you’re standing there thinking “Wait. That was IT??”

That right there is The Bunker. 90 odd minutes of build up after which the “Twist” is handed to you so lazily and ineffectively that you spend another 90 minutes pondering who you should write to in order to get that cumulative 3 hours tacked back onto your life.

The Bunker has a cast of no-names – with this on their resume I think I can see why – in fact I only recognized one of the actors. They all seem to be Brits playing German soldiers, no problems there Sean Connery was a Russian U Boat captain and Kevin Costner was Robin Hood (stretched too far there, just remember Connery), but they speak with such strong and obviously British accents that aside from the odd shaped helmets it is often impossible to believe for a second that they are German soldiers.

I’ve seen on message boards arguing that it shouldn’t be important but it kinda is, I mean why even make them German? The crappy story and pointless twist would be just as ineffectual if they were British soldiers, then you wouldn’t need to add “German soldiers speaking in strong British accents and even using British slang and idioms” to a laundry list of reason why The Bunker blows dog.

Moving on… so a bunch of *cough* “German” soldiers are holed up in a Bunker near the end of 1944 with the German forces in full retreat as the whole “let’s take over Europe” plan drafted up on the back of a beer coaster backfires on them.

The first few minutes of the film sees the remnants of a retreating platoon begging and gaining entry to bring the total number of occupants to 7. The Bunker is very sturdy, however it is low on ammunition and supplies, and with advancing US forces the soldiers start to argue over the next course of action and how long remains before they flee or are overrun.

The group includes an elderly vet of WW1 and a young fresh faced soldier who it seems have both been manning the bunker for some time, and the remaining troops from a decimated platoon, some of who seem to resent others for an unexplained reason.

While a storm whips around outside the grizzled vet decides that it might be an opportune time to set the mood and explains that beneath the bunker are a series of tunnels that lead to hidden exits – but – shine torch under face – they harbour dark secrets and are probably haunted.

So finish your tea lads and let’s get a good night’s sleep!

It’s more than half way through the film before anything happens and when it does nothing seems clear, in fact until the reveal in the dying seconds it is fair to say that there is no way to know what the fuck is going on. This is not always a bad thing, The Sixth Sense showed that a last minute explanation can be effective, but when the truth finally arrives and the director looks at you with a big smile, wide eyes and his palms out saying “Ehhh?… EHHHH??”… you just might feel like punching him.

Or yourself for sitting through the last hour and a half.

There are countless films that I remember only for one notable scene or even one phrase or moment, I think I will remember The Bunker for an absence of all those things.

Final Rating – 4 / 10. This is less a poorly conceived or badly film than an inexplicable event. Who would greenlight such a flimsy plot bereft of action, plausibility and entertainment value in the first place is beyond me.

Read all the above in a Japanese accent if you want – it makes about as much sense as a British one.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
This entry was posted in Crappy Movies, Film, Movie Reviews, Special Requests, The 7th Level of Suck. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to The Bunker (Review)

  1. STW says:

    Methinks the writer or producer had loaded parents!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.