Many respected and highly paid professions require their practitioners to be highly skilled and reliable at performing the basic aspects of the craft.
In fact it is fair to say that the better remunerated the profession the greater the expectation of quality and superior performance.
You gotta learn your ropes. Crawl before you walk. That sorta stuff.
And in terms of actors you have to appear in some dogs in the early days…
You wouldn’t go to see a doctor that you knew to be unlicensed – unless you were shot while committing a crime I guess – nor would you opt for a flight piloted by someone who flies as a hobby over a trained airline pilot.
I don’t see why one of the most overpaid career choices on the planet get away scot-free again and again. So the other day in a turbulent bout of genius-ness I came up with a revolutionary concept.
Again.
From the guy who gave the world B-Movie Haiku Reviews and more bad Lindsay Lohan jokes than a late night TV host, OGR proudly presents:
Hollywood Star Acting Demerits
That’s right folks. From now on box-office and Metacritic scores be damned, I am personally making some of the Hollywood lollygaggers accountable for poor decision making and for phoning in performances. Whether the film was straight to DVD or unfairly made a bazillion, if one of the leads screwed the pooch we shouldn’t have to stand
for it.
This process is not designed to worry about the poor hardworking paycheque to paycheque character actors or supporting cast members, if you don’t make the poster on most films in which you appear then the system should eventually either eject you or elevate you to Buscemi-like status (more respected / lower paid). This process is for the guys ‘n’ gals who normally appear smack dab in the middle of the poster, the guys ‘n’ gals who are interviewed on red carpets and are driven to various premieres and public appearances to stare blankly at your gushing fans unless cameras are pointed at you.
The System
The system is harsh but fair; everyone starts with the same number of points in the black, a bad performance costs you points depending on factors including:
- the general stinkiness of the movie
- whether you were trying or not
- whether the movie was taking a chance or not
- what was expected from the movie, a big budget stinker counts worse than a low budget indie stinker
- how long it has been since your last bona fide quality film
- whether you are Shia Le Bouf
Once you lose a point or points there is only one way to make it back – no regaining points after a period of time here – the only way to regain points on your license is to earn them through solid performances in decent films. Again being ‘adequate’ or even merely ‘good’ isn’t going to cut it here in the real world, adequacy and goodness are expected not lauded, you really need to pull something out of the bag to justify me tacking a point or two back onto your sheet.
To summarize; everyone starts with a clean sheet and twelve shiny points, the early movies in a star’s career are treated as Learner’s permit freebies. It is only when they strike big that the burden of consistent worthiness comes crashing down upon their shoulders.
In previous editions I have looked at the overblown and largely undeserved careers of Nicolas Cage and Adam Sandler, Hollywood royalty and former box-office guarantees. Today I am aiming even higher, with perhaps the nicest and most likable guy in Hollywood over the last two decades in the sights…
This man has been perhaps the most reliable box office draw since he leapt from the sassy street wise (yet always polite and friendly) Fresh Prince of Bel Air to the big screen, with an annual blockbuster or two being the result thus far.
In a career spanning two decades in film and the range to go from drama to action to comedy to sci-fi, this man is genuinely funny, genuinely likable and genuinely charismatic. So why is his cinematic output so universally over-rated and yet so very profitable?
- § It can’t just be the winning smile.
- It can’t just be the awful hip-hop songs that often accompany the films.
- § It can’t just be the fact that he is so effusive and witty in every interview.
- § (It can’t just be that his wife seems part terminator – leading us to all feel sorry for him.)
- § It shouldn’t be the fact that he shamelessly pimps his kids as over-rated actors and singers.
- § Can it be that he is the most harmless African American man in cinema, and more validly that he carefully hand picks which roles he will take to ensure a profit regardless of critical success?
Ummm, that one thanks…
I mean really, how many Will Smith films do you have in your DVD collection? Hell I like the guy and have almost 300 films, not one of them stars Mr Smith.
Ladies and Gents,
Mr Will Smith
The Fresh Prince was almost mandatory viewing each afternoon in my latter school years. As Fresh Prince Smith was funny yet accessible, like a sassy Cosby kid. Every black, white or Asian kid in the right age bracket would have loved Will Smith as their best buddy – more importantly their parents would probably heartily endorse the decision too. So when Smith said he was ‘going pro’ to the movie industry, it seemed a lock that he would succeed.
And of course he did.
The Rise to ‘Mega-Stardom’
After sensibly taking on a ‘controversial’ role as a young confident young hustler in Six Degrees of Separation, Smith announced immediately that he was not going to allow himself to be typecast. Of course every film since has seen him play almost exactly the same Will Smith variation…
Bad Boys was quite terrible and worthy of sending up, but it was also pretty funny at times and somehow remains rewatchable in that awkward ironic way. It also somehow managed to make a star (very briefly!) of Martin Lawrence. Then came Independence Day, where among a cast of thousands the funny black guy emerged the hero, helping to save America and the world from Alien invasion. The film also sucked and is even more of a punchline than Bad Boys, but again it remains spoken of and referenced to this day.
Smith joined Jones (of the Tommy Lee variety) and tweaked the buddy comedy again with the old jaded white guy teamed with the young streetwise black guy. Again the theme was sci-fi, this time more tilted toward comedy. Again the film cleaned up and made gazillions.
Enemy of the State followed with Smith as the sole lead for the first time, and it proved that Smith could both carry a film by himself and resist the urge to smirk uncontrollably long enough to make ‘action-drama’. Another string to his bow. Another big hit at the box office and further consolidation that he could do no wrong.
Aside from Independence Day I find none of these films especially egregious. Neither do I find any of them any good. Like Smith himself they are amusing in small doses, aspire to be likable and remain well within the bounds of what the mainstream consider proper and marketable.
More relevantly, as an ‘employee’ these four films represented an outlay of 274M with revenues at the box-office of 1,380M. That’s only a return on capital of 500%. No wonder Smith might have thought if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, or probably something more ‘street’.
By this stage Will Smith was not yet 30 and practically owned Hollywood. He had studios lining up to help him make a buck for them and had proven versatile enough to criss cross genres with ease, already holding his own versus Oscar winners (Gene Hackman, Tommy Lee Jones) and befriending both Hollywood’s elite (Tom Cruise) and being a regular fixture at pro sporting events.
Will Smith paid his dues and earned his flash Mega-Star license. With a rep already of remaining firmly mid-stream it might be difficult to justify penalising him enough to remove all 12 points on the licence, but we’ll see using the specially designed retrospective fine system of 1 through 3 point demerits depending on the severity of the transgression. General adequacy and strong performances are not praised unnecessarily here, merely expected from someone who makes millions without ever breaking a sweat.
A Stalled Career
The world is at your feet. Hollywood’s finest lined up to appear alongside you, projects written with you in mind. What next for the hippest guy on the red carpet?
Ouch. Fair enough it’s the first mis-step in a career that boasted the momentum of a runaway train – but it’s a big one. A god-awful mix of action and comedy without any of either.
Of course it made over 220M but that’s not the point here. If a drunk driver still gets the car home he’s still broken the law. And this is the cinematic equivalent of first degree braincell manslaughter.
Verdict: 3 Points deducted. Points remaining: 9
The Legend of Bagger Vance
A magical black caddy with special powers helps Matt Damon the pro-golfer get his groove back. Or something. It was low budget and didn’t make much. I didn’t see it, like almost everyone else for a change, 30M is pocket change for Mr Smith.
Chalk this down as a learning experience Big Will. No harm in broadening your horizon a little.
Verdict: 0 Points deducted.
Points remaining: 9
Ali
Racial considerations aside; who wouldn’t want to play a guy widely considered the best sportsman in history? A man universally referred to as ‘The Greatest’? I mean who wouldn’t want that on their CV? Fortunately for Will he was the right age, fit enough, marketable enough and the appropriate race to play the role.
The film was ambitious and big budget, it was well received commercially and Smith himself took some of the best reviews of his career, including an Oscar nomination.
It was also the only film thus far on Smith’s resume to actually lose money…
Verdict: 0 Points deducted. Points remaining: 9
Men in Black 2
So after back to back to back reality checks that failed either commercially (Ali, Bagger Vance) or critically (Wild, Wild West). Will was left at a crossroads with a big decision to make. Would the future see him ignore the box office in favour of critical acceptance, or would he pander shamelessly to the mainstream masses in inspiration free drivel…?
What, Men in Black 2 you say? Sub 40% approval in Rotten Tomatoes but 100M in profit?
Case closed. Bidding done!
Verdict: 2 Points deducted. Points remaining: 7
Bad Boys 2
Looks like we better get used to numerical suffixes after things get a little tough. This one fared even worse critically (23% RT) and commercially. It made money, but it just barely made money…
Putting a different perspective on Bad Boys 1 & 2, I’ve often dabbled with the idea of a mini-marathon of sorts… then I realize I have to sit through Bad Boys 1 and 2.
Verdict: 2 Points deducted. Points remaining: 5
Quick update: A stellar 5 film introduction is followed by an equally uninspired mid-section. One god-awful atrocity, 2 critical faves that made zippo (well ‘Will Smith zippo’) and two desperate looking sequels that both sucked.
The Revival
This one was surprising to me. I really rate Alex Proyas the director, can see the potential for a decent sci-fi premise to grab some mainstream dollars once Smith is involved, but hated it with a passion, and the gormless idiots who talk it up as an ‘intelligent blockbuster’.
But it made big bucks yet again and somehow broke Smith’s cold streak. Not that this fact matters to me;
Verdict: 1 Point deducted. Points remaining: 4
Shark Tale
Will Smith plays Will Smith if he was a fish, with a cast of huge names and ‘spunk’ to spare, this lazy crap cleaned up in cinemas as parents lined up to be mildly entertained. I would venture that none of these people would have rewatched the film since, and that any kid who found it in the Christmas stocking has long since set this one aside. Way aside.
Verdict: 1 Point deducted. Points remaining: 3
Hitch
So you’re telling me Will Smith plays a streetwise relationship specialist who has relationship issues of his own? And Kevin James is in it?
Gee let me think…
I’d rather eat Kevin James than watch this. I’ll even skip a demerit just to move on more rapidly from this blandness.
Verdict: 0 Points deducted. Points remaining: 3
The Pursuit of Happyness
They realize they can’t spell ‘happiness’ right? Smith gives the boy a leg in a syrupy feel-good hit of the summer. Probably. Maybe I’m ‘uplifted’ enough, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch it. Regardless of what I think it was another big Smith hit, with most reviews centring around the fact that he actually ‘acts’ in it.
Haven’t seen it. Don’t wanna see it. Not fair to penalize it. Let’s move on.
Verdict: 0 Points deducted. Points remaining: 3
Here is one I will talk about though. Take a pinch of Will Smith, a dab of ‘so hot right now’ Vampires, and mix in a well respected sci-fi story. Can’t go wrong right?
Box office says you can’t.
I say you can.
Verdict: 1 Point deducted. Points remaining: 2
A down on his luck super-hero struggles to refresh his tainted image, with the help of a Public Relations guru whose life he saved.
Oh please PR man save me first.
Verdict: 1 Point deducted. Points remaining: 1
Seven Pounds
Should I point out yet that most of the crappiest Will Smith films seem to be just his mug on the poster, as if to say ‘Will Smith is in it, so don’t ask questions’?
But even Will’s mug couldn’t save this one, which barely made a profit and seems so middling that I can’t even bring myself to try to make a joke about it.
Verdict: 0 Points deducted. Points remaining:1
Seven films that I either avoided altogether or watched and regretted. Will Smith is such a drawcard that he seems to be able to make you think that the film will be better just because of his presence, though I am yet to find evidence of this in any of dozen films listed above. In fact the better the film the worse the box-office, and unfortunately vice versa.
This is normally the point where smugness and inertia kick in, where the lure of the fat paycheque trumps any thoughts of quality or credibility. Do you think Will Smith would rather sit back and green light his kid’s crappy undeserved careers or strive to prove all the doubters and critics wrong?
The Middle Age Spread / Just Pay Me
Men in Black 3
Well that didn’t take long to work out. Worst reviews in the series, best box-office by far. Not even close. And to think most reviewers can only find value in Josh Brolin’s Tommy Lee Jones impression, like that’s worth over 600M?
Verdict: 0 Points deducted. Points remaining: 5
The Future
So maybe Men in Black 3 is an anomaly you might say. I’m often willing to give the benefit of the doubt – where there is doubt that is. But let’s consider imdb as our guide. After a couple of 2013 releases the following three projects are Hancock 2, I, Robot 2 and Bad Boys 3. All three were deemed critically rotten by Rotten Tomatoes (and me). All three made money.
Will Smith is a nice guy. Will Smith knows that Hollywood is above all a business and the overriding aim is to make money.
The first fact shouldn’t be used to justify the second. Will Smith has made Hollywood billions, himself many, many millions. The upshot of all this is that he is now 18 films and 20 years into a career with (maybe) 3 worthwhile films and not one film that I would deem worthy of adding to my personal collection – which I might add has a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie and a Charlie Sheen / Emilio Estevez garbagemen comedy…
Shouldn’t someone stand up and demand Will Smith do something about this? Shouldn’t that someone be me?
Mr Smith, you are driving on fumes.
Will Smith’s career is so chock full of softballs it should embarrass him. 18 films that do nothing to challenge anything but your intellect and capacity to resist self loathing for watching them. Even when something ‘edgy’ and potentially ambitious pops up they find a way to water it down for mass consumption (I am Legend & I, Robot).
With an average metacritic film score of 52 (Men in Black the ‘strongest’ at 71) and an average album score of 50, has there ever been a man so very middle of the road?
Ask anyone aged between 20 some and 70 some about Will Smith, you’ll either get ‘he’s funny’ or ‘I like him’. Both correct answers but neither justifies continued mediocrity in his output. And if you dare try to bag the man, all you hear is ‘oh come on don’t be a hater!’
While I can’t hate the man for exploiting the system and bludging his way to millions, I can choose to smugly roll my eyes when the month of anticipation, marketing and promotion can’t stop the next Smith film from vanishing without discernible trace some weeks later.
I just have to ignore the fact that this is invariably followed by the announcement said pointless film made over 300M in ticket sales… I thought this was supposed to be some sort of global recession people!
OGR
Look Will, we can settle out of court if you promise to keep that snotty ‘Whip my hair’ kid locked in her room for the next decade.
