Yeah we don’t know what the movie is about either…
It’s Chicago, 2035. Civilisation looks pretty similar, a little more streamlined and slick maybe, but similar. But for the prevalence of robots all over the shop. You see a while back Dr Arthur Lanning (James Cromwell), better known to you and I as the ‘Father of Robotics’, created the first robot drones and more importantly the Three Rules.
1/ Robots can’t hurt humans.
2/ Robots must obey humans.
3/ Robots can’t harm themselves.
In that order too, so a human can’t order a robot to kill someone because it will breach #1. So robots wander freely among us doing chores and menial tasks.
Then Lanning kills himself. Apparently.
Enter ‘Spoon’ (Will Smith). A cop who nonetheless wants us all to know that Will Smith is black, hence his entire intro sequence has him wearing a skullcap – in bed despite his short hair – then bumping some Stevie Wonder loud and putting on his Chucky One Stars. Yes Will we get it, you’re black, though to be honest it all seems a little forced, like there’s a white man in there trying so hard to get out…
You should stop hanging around with Tom Cruise.
Anyway Spoon is a maverick cop and a robot sceptic (thanks to a heavily laid on recurring flashback that is not nearly as deep as it wants to be). Even though no-one else wonders if Lanning’s death might not be a suicide Spoon does, even though it goes against the three laws of robotics.
Robots could not. They would not. It’s not possible. Is it…?
Well don’t linger on those thoughts, because about three minutes after Spoon is put on the case he conducts a 45 second look around Lanning’s office and finds the guilty robot. Actually he doesn’t really find the robot, the robot leaps from hiding for almost no reason.
And if you think that’s a spoiler don’t blame me, blame the film. It happens in the first ten minutes.
I’m just misunderstood.
A lame chase and a huge leap of logic later and Spoon and some lady psychiatrist are at the robot factory, where all the robots of the day are lined up in neat rows. Surely this loose cannon free thinking robot wouldn’t try to hide here? Actually given what’s come before, surely he would.
They catch him this time. His name is Sonny. He is different. He is capable of dreaming. He has feewings. In related news, I feel sick. Sure Sonny killed the Doc, but you gotta understand Mister, it wasn’t my fault.
And so on. We’re supposed to feel so much in this film. Compromised that we could look at a robot and think he is less worthy than us. Embarrassed even that we could look into those big vacant eyes and feel nothing. But in this situation it is I who am most robotic, I feel nothing more than an over-riding sense of boredom laced with stupidity for watching this film again and thinking I might hate it less.
In between are numerous blatant product placements for Audi, the afore-mentioned Cons, Shia Le Beouf – is that still even available? Aren’t we all sick of that yet?
I, Robot is sensationalist tripe. Take away everyone’s favourite ‘street smart’ homeboy and it would have been ignored and/or panned. It lazily moves along from plot point to plot point with no logic or realism, the centrepiece of the film involving a robot chase attack with dozens of metal casualties in a formerly busy tunnel, only minutes after Spoon is accused of making it all up.
Final Rating – 5 / 10. Hollywood treats our collective IQ’s with contempt. This is a huge factory recall.
