Here we go again! Nine mediocre lines describing three very mediocre movies.
Bikini Girls on Ice
Some cray-zee dude at servo
Kill-in’ all who show
Where should we set up car wash?
Ran-dom bi-ki-ni car wash
Mid-dle of no-where
You fi-gure out what hap-pens!
NUTH-IN’! That’s just what hap-pens.
Some die, you won’t care.
Chicks all fug-ly, keep kit on
Final Rating – 2 / 10. Perhaps the worst film I’ve seen in years. Low budget, no quality, no talent. I hated everything about it.
But no nudity in a film called Bikini Girls? That I can’t forgive!
The Class of Nuke ‘Em High
Nuke waste eff-ects Nuke E’m High
Tox-ic weed is sold
Makes teens su-per hor-ny(-er?)
Lou-sy / ac-tion / ac-ting / plot
Bad jokes / bad make-up
Point-less slap-stick and prat-falls
Hard to find re-dee-ming points
Naught go-ing for it
No scares, laughs or val-ue here
Final Rating – 4 / 10. Look I understand everyone wants to root for the underdog, the little studio getting by with creativity and gross out humour and effects. But if I give credit where it is due it is only fair to give a bagging where it is due. Aside from the catchy name and shock value this has little going for it – not even curio value.
Death Race 2000
After watching the Paul W Anderson “reimagining” a few weeks ago I thought I’d check out the original schlocky inspiration from the 80s.
A fu-ture race, coast to coast
Guys drive – chicks di-rect
Ra-cers tree-ted like Idol stars
No holds barred, no apol-o-gies
Points for kills and speed
Much nu-di-ty n cheap gore
T-V hype quite pre-sci-ent
A few laughs & boobs
No class-ic but worth a look
Final Rating – 5 / 10. Bad jokes, cheap effects, tough guys, pretty nude gals and gore – now this is a real B movie and knows it. The dated effects and cheesy dialogue and plot only add to the curio value. (I was amazed just how faithfully the recent remake was to the core elements of the plot here.)
Oh and a young Sly Stallone and an already old David Carradine are in it – not that this fact makes it any better or worse.
And with that, I’ll see ya next month.