B-Movie Haiku Reviews – Bikini Girls on Ice / Class of Nuke ‘Em High / Death Race 2000

Here we go again! Nine mediocre lines describing three very mediocre movies.

Bikini Girls on Ice

Screams pointless teen nudity doesn’t it? At least it did to me…

Plot Overview

Some cray-zee dude at servo

Kill-in’ all who show

Where should we set up car wash?

The action

Ran-dom bi-ki-ni car wash

Mid-dle of no-where

You fi-gure out what hap-pens!

In summation

NUTH-IN’! That’s just what hap-pens.

Some die, you won’t care.

Chicks all fug-ly, keep kit on

Final Rating – 2 / 10. Perhaps the worst film I’ve seen in years. Low budget, no quality, no talent. I hated everything about it.

But no nudity in a film called Bikini Girls? That I can’t forgive!

The Class of Nuke ‘Em High

Troma films are famous for cranking out low budget exploitation to secure the teen market looking to rent “edgy” videos. This is one of their most notorious.

Plot Overview

Nuke waste eff-ects Nuke E’m High

Tox-ic weed is sold

Makes teens su-per hor-ny(-er?)

The action

Lou-sy / ac-tion / ac-ting / plot

Bad jokes / bad make-up

Point-less slap-stick and prat-falls

In summation

Hard to find re-dee-ming points

Naught go-ing for it

No scares, laughs or val-ue here

Final Rating – 4 / 10. Look I understand everyone wants to root for the underdog, the little studio getting by with creativity and gross out humour and effects. But if I give credit where it is due it is only fair to give a bagging where it is due. Aside from the catchy name and shock value this has little going for it – not even curio value.

Death Race 2000

After watching the Paul W Anderson “reimagining” a few weeks ago I thought I’d check out the original schlocky inspiration from the 80s.

Plot Overview

A fu-ture race, coast to coast

Guys drive – chicks di-rect

Ra-cers tree-ted like Idol stars

The action

No holds barred, no apol-o-gies

Points for kills and speed

Much nu-di-ty n cheap gore

In summation

T-V hype quite pre-sci-ent

A few laughs & boobs

No class-ic but worth a look

Final Rating – 5 / 10. Bad jokes, cheap effects, tough guys, pretty nude gals and gore – now this is a real B movie and knows it. The dated effects and cheesy dialogue and plot only add to the curio value. (I was amazed just how faithfully the recent remake was to the core elements of the plot here.)

Oh and a young Sly Stallone and an already old David Carradine are in it – not that this fact makes it any better or worse.

And with that, I’ll see ya next month.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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