The fourth annual summary of all the stuff what I watched this year.

I’ll keep it brief this year. I have watched and reviewed nearly 300 films in 2012/2013 (believe it or not there are probably a hundred plus others that I rewatched or didn’t bother with). With my totally unscientific estimate of an average 95 minutes per film, that’s over 28,000 minutes – almost 500 hours – 20 odd days of watching the tube. That’s a whole lotta bedsores.

So again let’s look at the quality versus trash ratio to ascertain how many of those 20 days were worth the expansion in my waistline.

As always I consider:

• Anything less than a 6 / 10 is wasted time.
• A 6 / 10 or 6.5 / 10 needs at least one redeeming feature to justify the time, but such a score will rarely warrant rewatching the film.
• A score of 7 / 10 + will generally make the film worthwhile and often worth watching again down the track, or buying the DVD depending on the actual score.

First the good news. The last 12 months had more new releases worthy of Great movie status than I can recall since the glory of the 90s. The bad news is that with 4 plus years of this site being in operation, I have long since churned through my favourites, the critics favourites, almost anything interesting for any reason, the films I find most easily mocked, the films that I found even vaguely interesting, and the films I knew I wouldn’t like but reviewed just because I could.

In short this means that there were probably a higher percentage of films that I didn’t enjoy than ever before – which is probably why I have recently been revisiting previously reviewed films just for enjoyment. To wash the Tom Cruise out of my mouth… so to speak.

Now let’s separate the wheat from the chaff…

This was 2012/2013.

Wasted Time

Ummm. See the above paragraphs about running out of good stuff?

103 Films! Where to begin?

103 films at 95 minutes. Almost an entire week watching failure. An outlandish 40 odd films more than last year. Bad decisions are me. That’s akin to watching every series of Keeping up with the Kardashians back to back on a loop. (And while I’m here, North West! What a fucking joke. Poor kid for many reasons…)

No-one expected much from Japsanity (Erotibot), low budget sequels (Death Race 3. every Feast film. Species 3 & 4) and vanity efforts from rappers turned actors who shoulda stayed rappers (Who’s Your Caddy?). Sometimes you know a bad movie before you even rent it then rent it anyway.

But The Cabin in the Woods garnered critical acclaim. And it suuuucked. Let the Bullets Fly was a foreign language film trying to be a Western – as in Cowboys. It had to be good. It wasn’t. Ditto Save the Green Planet.

Gran Torino. I, Robot. Cape Fear. He Got Game. Little Miss Sunshine. The Loved Ones/ All lavishly overrated films that suck.

I also watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trilogy. Again. OK that one was my fault.

I have scanned the entire list below and can honestly say that I could go the rest of my life and without seeing anything rated 0 – 5.5 ever again. Actually I plan to.

Killing Time

Another 73 flicks. Another 5 odd days being thoroughly non-plussed. 25 less than last year, it seems I am selecting crap over bland, like the guy who decided that Snookie was a bit of alright…

Even prospectors who sieve the bottom of the river find the occasional nugget. Last year I renamed films rated 6 or 6.5 the ‘Grey Area’, because while I might have found them a little bland and uneventful, I could see how others might find value.

OK same five categories as last year;

Skin: Species. Species 2. (Not much skin this year.)

Dumb action: Cliffhanger. Parker. The Last Stand. Safe House. The Sixth Day. Taken 2. XXX.

Harmless entertainment: Austin Powers. Baseketball. Hit and Run. National Lampoon’s European Vacation. Ted.

So-so horror: Bait. Child’s Play. Doom. Intruders. Wrong Turn.

So-so blockbusters: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Gangster Squad. The Hunger Games. Oblivion. Sunshine.

In a sign that I hope indicates that I got my ratings about right, only The Bank Job, Cliffhanger and Hit and Run might get another run – and probably Ted seems inevitable…

And on second glance I might have to recalibrate my scoring with Premium Rush. My memory had that a ‘worthwhile 7’, not a ‘pretty OK 6.5’.

Time well spent

115 times last year I picked the right one. This year 114. Maybe I am genetically programmed to enjoy but 40% of the films I see, as that is exactly the percentage as last year. If that is to be I am tracking OK I think, especially because if it weren’t for servicing this inane website I would definitely avoid at least half of the films that I have dubbed crappy or ‘grey’.

This year I watched good stuff new and old. Django was fine but overrated. If you give me the choice I’d opt for the B movie goodness that is Dredd. A Good Day to Die Hard was a guilty pleasure. Grabbers made me smile with the Tremors comparisons. Lawless. Mama. Rec [3]. Seven Psychopaths. All worth checking out.

I thought The Amazing Spider-Man was the remake/reboot of the year. This is 40 the best quasi sequel.

Life of Pi was gorgeous. Intouchables inspiring and The Dark Knight Rises the best ‘weak link’ in any trilogy this side of Return of the Jedi. Speaking of Return of the Jedi, I watched the original Star Wars trilogy this year, and the guilty pleasure that is the Rocky franchise.

Loved Iron Man 3. Sinister the best new horror. Brave the best animated flick (so far). Tyrannosaur and Red Road the best in harrowing drama and it will take something else to beat Looper for the 2013 title.

So far I have only outlaid (or plan to outlay) my own coin for 6 DVDs made this year. I look forward to Monsters University, Pacific Rim, The World’s End, Kick-Ass 2 and Machete Kills in theory. Very soon we’ll see if the Evil Dead remake – that I couldn’t get to in it’s limited cinema run in Australia – warrants another purchase.

Greater than 0/10 less than 6/10 –

“Dear Film-maker, whatever you were trying to achieve, you fucked up.”

2 / 10

The Cabin in the Woods

National Lampoon’s Dirty Movie

2.5 / 10

Rollerball 2002

3 / 10

John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness

3.5 / 10

Gulliver’s Travels

Horny House of Horror

Jingle all the way

Stealth

Teen Wolf Too

Who’s Your Caddy

4 / 10

Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2

The Day the Earth Stood Still 2008

Elektra Luxx

Erotibot

Laid to Rest

Phantoms

Reindeer Games

Rocky 5

Trespass

4.5 / 10

Bride of Chucky

Child’s Play 3

Dumb and Dumber

Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds

Ice Age 4: Continental Drift

Let the Bullets Fly

The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe

Repo Man

The Roommate

Save the Green Planet

The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior

Set-Up

Species 3

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines

5 / 10

Bad Biology

Child’s Play 2

Chopping Mall

Dumb and Dumberer

Feast 3: The Happy Finish

Gran Torino

Grave Encounters 2

The Hangover 3

The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

I, Robot

Krull

The Last Exorcism Part 2

The Legend of Awesomess Maximus

Let’s Scare Jessica to Death

The Lords of Salem

Modern Vampires

Next

Next Friday

Project X

Sanctum

The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption

Shakes the Clown

Silent Hill: Revelation

Species 4: Awakening

Swordfish

Teen Wolf

Texas Chainsaw 2013

Undead

Weekend at Bernie’s

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

Yogi Bear

5.5 / 10

The Big Boss

The Bone Snatcher

Cape Fear

Chain Reaction

Chaos

Crazy People

Death Race 3: Inferno

The Devil’s Advocate

Dodgeball

Epitaph

Feast

This Film is not yet rated

Firewall

Gothic

The Happening

Hard Rain

He got Game

HellDriver

Holy Man

Little Miss Sunshine

Little Nicky

The Loved Ones

Made

Nothing but Trouble

Paranormal Activity 4

Primeval

Red Dawn 2012

Resident Evil: Retribution

The Rocketeer

Seed of Chucky

Smokin’ Aces

Sniper 2

Sniper 3

Total Recall 2012

Uncle Buck

Wanderlust

War of the Dead

XXX

 6.0/10 – “OK, so you made a movie, do you want a medal?”

6 / 10

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Bait

Baseketball

Blade: Trinity

Buried

The Clearing

Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid

Doom

Evolution

Fearless

Four Lions

Friday

Friday after Next

Heathers

He was a Quiet Man

The Hunger Games

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

In the Loop

In Time

Intruders

The Man with the Iron Fists

National Lampoon’s European Vacation

Oblivion

Parker

Requiem

The Sixth Day

Species

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Texas Killing Fields

The Thirteenth Warrior

Underworld: Evolution

Virtuosity

The Way of the Gun

The Weather Man

Weekend at Bernie’s 2

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

XXX 2: State of the Union

6.5/10 – “Not that crash hot but with one memorable or cool scene. EG: ‘At least it had boobies’.”

6.5 / 10

The Arrival

Assault on Precinct 13 2005

Austin Powers in Goldmember

The Bank Job

*batteries Not Included

The Bone Collector

The Brothers Bloom

Bruce Almighty

Child’s Play

Cliffhanger

Contact

Guest House Paradiso

Frankenhooker

Gangster Squad

Ginger Snaps

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning

Hit and Run

Hot Rod

John Carpenter’s They Live

The Last Stand

One Eight Seven

Premium Rush

Safe House

Small Soldiers

Spanglish

Species 2

Sunshine

Super Troopers

Taken 2

Ted

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny

Top Secret

The Wrong Man AKA Lucky Number Slevin

Wrong Turn

Zatoichi the Blind Swordsman

7.0/10 – “Worth watching, let’s see what you do next.”

7 / 10

Arachnophobia

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Beetlejuice

Black Death

The Bourne Legacy

The Dictator

Django Unchained

Donnie Brasco

Dredd

The Expendables 2

Fair Game 2010

Flash Point

Get Smart

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed

A Good Day to Die Hard

Grabbers

Hoodlum

Hostage

Innerspace

The Kingdom

The Last King of Scotland

Lawless

The Lincoln Lawyer

The Lorax

Mama

The Mask

Old School

Panic Room

Pitch Black

Quantum of Solace

[Rec]3

Red Dawn 1984

Saving Grace

The Scorpion King

The Sentinel 1978

Seven Psychopaths

Shooter

Shoot to Kill AKA Deadly Pursuit

Sniper

Turner and Hooch

7.5/10 – “It was OK, definitely worth a look.”

7.5 / 10

The Amazing Spider-Man

Argo

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

The Bourne Identity

The Bourne Supremacy

Cop Land

50 / 50

Flight

Grave Encounters

Happy Gilmore

Heartless

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Jaws

Kingdom of Heaven

Knocked Up

Liar, Liar

Lone Star

The Lost Boys

The Man with Two Brains

Moonrise Kingdom

127 Hours

Out of Sight

Poltergeist

Predator 2

Red Road

Rocky Balboa

Ronin

Safety not Guaranteed

Sinister

Skyfall

Snitch

300

Twenty Four Hour Party People

22 Bullets

Welcome to the Jungle AKA The Rundown

What About Bob

Win-Win

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

Zero Dark Thirty

8.0/10 “This is better.”

8 / 10

Big Fish

Blade

The Bourne Ultimatum

Chasing Amy

The Dark Knight Rises

Fargo

Intouchables

Kingpin

The King’s Speech

Life of Pi

Misery

Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol

Mystic River

Ong-Bak

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Rocky 4

Casino Royale

Stir Crazy

Tyrannosaur

8.5/10 – “Now this is what I’m talking about.”

8.5

Blackhawk Down

Brave

Finding Neverland

Iron Man 3

L.A. Confidential

Pan’s Labyrinth

Primer

Return of the Jedi

Rocky

Rocky 2

Rocky 3

This is 40

9.0/10 – “It’ll be hard for you to top this one.”

9 / 10

Deep Cover

Looper

9.5/10 “Absolutely lurrrrrve your work Sir (or Madam).”

9.5 / 10

Star Wars

10/10 “Undeniable awesomeness. Perfection.”

10 / 10

The Empire Strikes Back

And that puts a bow on this bitch. Until tax time 2014…

OGR