A few years ago Adam Green made a crappy horror film so clumsy and pointless that it somehow had clueless critics falling over themselves to heap faint praise upon it (‘it might not be my cup of tea, but it’s original’. Ummm, no it wasn’t.) Of course a sequel was immediately made and was somehow even worse even though it was exactly the same.
So Adam Green went another way, not the polar opposite to Hatchet mind you, but Frozen is a far more serious and deliberate film than either of the shlocky Hatchets. It is still pretty bad – just way better than those crappy second rate slashers.
Best buds Lynch and Dan go skiing for the weekend, with Dan upsetting the apple cart just a little by inviting his girlfriend Parker along on what the (whiny and needy) Lynch thought was a ‘guy’s only’ weekend away. (Lynch does everything short of hold up a cardboard sign written in crayon saying “No gurls allowed!“)
In one last desperate attempt to cram in slightly more fun to their weekend the trio attempt a night run down the slopes – only the chairlifts are closing due to impending bad weather coming in and won’t open until the following weekend. A quick beg and some shonky head counts by staff later and the lifts are shut down and the lights turned off; with Dan, Lynch and Parker stranded several metres above the icy snow below, phoneless and panicky.
It’s cold in the snow so I’m told, and with a big snowfall coming in it only stands to get chillier. With the lifts stationary and no help imminent for days it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to canvas the options:
- / Stay and wait out the cold. For five days if no-one chances upon them.
- / Climb up and move hand over hand along the chairlift cable. The icy, cold cable made of metal fibres that slice through material and skin. In thick gloves.
- / Jump.
- / Send a fax…
OK three options, and all of them suck.
I should mention now that this is a ninety minute film. I should also mention that there are wolves patrolling the snow below. Hungry wolves.
Now I know this film preceded the far superior The Grey by a good year or two, but while The Grey had Liam Neeson and his fellow desperados traversing the remote wilderness in the middle of nowehere, Frozen is set on a ski field that I should say only hours prior had hundreds of happy carefree skiers zipping down the slopes. There are no warning signs saying ‘Look out for Wolves’ and no-one in the resort hinted at packs of hungry beasties. Maybe the wolves are sent into a frenzy by approaching storms? Maybe one of the trio uses bacon scented aftershave? Or maybe this is a bad film with one huge flaw in the logic department?
Or maybe – just maybe – the wolves are smart enough to know that the five days between Sunday and Saturday are ‘all you can eat’ days for them.
With only a couple of ways to turn out Frozen was running on thin ice before the wolves showed up, once they arrived I gave up and waited for the film to slowly slip away.
Final Rating – 6 / 10. Frozen has a few moments of tension early and performances that are frankly better than such a film deserves, but I go away still not concerned about broken ski-lifts. I AM NOW shit scared of wolves with calendars though…