Resident Evil: Retribution – A Protest Review

The ultimate in slo-mo. Frozen…

I haven’t seen it. I won’t see it in cinemas. (I will inevitably and unfortunately catch it on DVD, then smile smugly at being so very right.)

Regardless of when I see it I know what I will say and feel.

Best Case: “Well that wasn’t worth it.”

Worst Case: “That was the worst in the series. Really hope that kills the franchise.” (Which would be a real Best Case.)

Most Likely: “Well that sucked.”

Here is a snippet from my review of the last film RE: Exasperation (or something):

‘Resident Evil: Afterlife absolutely sucks. None of us should be surprised. There are times when the audience must take some responsibility for themselves: if we stop paying hard earned money to support such shit, maybe they’ll stop churning it out…’

Here’s what I know about RE: Extrapolation
(or whatever the hell it’s called);

Nothing really. I have not seen the trailer. I have not seen clips. I have not read a single review. I have not seen or read an interview with any of the cast or filmmakers.

Here’s what I nonetheless know about RE: Misappropriation

  1. There will be gratuitous slo-mo.
  2. Glass will break (in slo-mo)
  3. Bullets will be fired whilst someone plunges downward, surges forward or most likely is propelled backward (in slo-mo)
  4. Milla J will look sorta kinda OK at some angles, but in others like she was carved by a 7 fingered blind hermit with the hiccups.
  5. She will wear leather and /or vinyl. It will have unnecessary buckles and straps. It will be shiny.
  6. She will defend a young woman – or if they are even lazier – protect a young girl.
  7. The bad guy will have a low gruff voice. He will be forgettable.
  8. CGI will be prevalent, inferior and often unnecessary.
  9. At some point Alice will be sick and vulnerable due to a virus.
  10. There will be a ‘startling revelation’ that somehow will lead to a 6th equally shitty film.
  11. Charlie Sheen will appear in a cameo as an indestructible droid assassin. (I’m reaching a little on that one.)
  12. The filmmakers will not give a shit about quality, integrity, storyline, logic or you the viewer.
  13. The filmmaker will be paid. Well.
  14. You will not want to watch the film a second time.
  15. Reviewers will universally pan it, lamenting the state of film as a creative medium. It will get 11% on Rotten Tomatoes, 31% on Metacritic, and eventually between 3.5 and 5 here.
  16. None of this will matter if the easily pleased and non-discerning keep lining up like the zombies that should be in the film to buy tickets.

I’ve said it before about this series, the Underworld films, and everything with posters featuring Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider mugging gormlessly.

I have finally decided to be man enough to say ‘No!’.

I only hope you do too.

Time will tell if this is a cinematic masterpiece, leaving me with egg on my face and a bowl full of my own words to eat.

I doubt this will be the case. In fact I know it won’t.

Resident Evil: De-fibrillation will suck. Prove me wrong…

In other news: Are they seriously up to six of these shitboxes!?!? Have I really taken the time to review three of them? Is the first one still the best by a street, despite being only okayyyy…?

I need a shower or a scotch. Or some scotch while in the shower. Yes. That seems the only answer.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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