The Order (Review)

The Order

Send this Order back.

I’m not sure if they put Heath in this “as-is”, that they could get a more lifeless performance.

Too soon? Well allow me to retort.

If you are a father, even a stressed out one, and you selfishly take a bunch of pills to “get away”, and you inadvertently die as a result leaving a unknowing 2 year old that you should be there for?

I don’t care if you used to live a few k’s away from me.

Fuck you.

Or if you were great in Batman.

Fuck you.

This is an unnecessary crappy little flick that perhaps aspires to be The First Power or even The Prophecy, both movies I like but hardly big box-office blockbusters or household names.

So what we get is a cut rate Exorcist sequel replacement.



Now my brief review, even my worthless time is worth more than this:

A Priest dies in cheesy circumstances, a blinding light followed by a blood-curdling scream behind a closed door.

Moody and somehow beautiful yet grubby orphans are in close proximity.


Enter Heath as Alex, apparently the dead guy was his mentor. Even though Alex  is still very young in Priest terms I guess, he is said to have “an old soul”.

That explains that then, we want no more questions regarding the early 20’s senior Priest.

Peter Weller shows up to say that the afore-mentioned Priest, Father Dom, is dead, and so Heath heads to Rome to investigate. Before he goes though he gets a sidekick in the form of a suitably attractive chickie named Mara, who had several problems earlier that apparently Alex solved all by his lonesome. What a nice guy. Oh and it is probably worth mentioning that she was a recent escapee from a mental institution and is still on the lam, yet she is the sanest thing in this.

The Order was a mundane yawnfest to this point, here’s where it gets exceedingly dodgy.

Alex gets to Rome just in time to get involved in some way at the tailend of a setpiece that involves another Priest chasing a random guy. As the Priest, named Thomas we later find, nears his intended target the random guy is hit by a car, at which time he starts speaking demonically before spontaneously decomposing.

OK so that happens; then instantly, (like in the next 5 seconds after witnessing the above sentence personally), Alex rings Thomas, who says, and I shit you not:

“Alex! How are you Spaghettio?”

Not “Gee you won’t believe what I just saw, nor even “I’m a little out of breath from chasing a guy who disintegrated a few seconds ago”.

So Alex and Mara, now in Rome (Mara obviously being a Mental Health escapee though not on any “No-fly” list) fang around and go to a bookshop to investigate. To move the plot along Alex says 6 words or less and is somehow “In”, and allowed in the exclusive behind the scenes netherworld that exists under the shop.

Just proves it’s not what you know or who you know, it’s knowing the right 6 words that provides entry to vaguely occult or satanic areas.

After an unintentional comical scene in the shop (I must assume it was unintentional, after all this wasn’t call Religious Movie, and I didn’t see Carmen Electra or a Kardashian), Alex heads to a church where Dom’s body lies. After getting no help in his investigation he simply steals the body.

Again after all this Thomas shows up and upon seeing Alex says “How ya doin’?”, at least the writing is consistently awful.

It appears that Dom was a “Sin-Eater”, who took the hit for the sins of others, and endured much suffering as a result. Peter Weller shows up again in time to say “let’s kill the killer”.

Aaaahhh, those forgiving Priests.

I was coughing blood by this stage but it is worth mentioning the scene where Alex and Thomas go to see some faceless dude in a techno joint, where they ask a hanged dying guy for some advice, a pointless near drowing scene follows.

Alex of course bones Mara and the whole shit-sandwich culminates in a showdown between good and evil when Mara is taken.

This is shocking across the board and I guess a DVD copy will not be in Heath’s casket or time capsule. Almost every actor either phones it in or goes 100% ham for the duration, the dialogue is atrocious, the plot holes enormous and the so called action laughable.

Final Rating – 4 / 10. This reminds me of a great quote: “Knowledge is the enemy of faith”. Though in this case “The Order is the enemy of the DVD watcher”.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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