Whiteout (Review)

Not even an unnecessary shower scene saves this one.

So you get a hot chick and ask her to rug up the entire film?

Kate Beckinsale is the hottest woman in the world.


I went classy and picked one without the nip-nips.

I went classy and picked one without the nip-nips.


It has been scientifically proven by many men’s magazines and websites. But for the life of me I can’t remember her doing a film where I thought “Damn is she the hottest thing around or what!”

Even in the Underworld films, which were amusing but lightweight disposable rubbish, she was dressed all in leather and still hardly rated a gasp, despite getting her kit off in the second film.

Yet here she is in Whiteout, which I can best describe as “a film in which things happen”.’

This stupid and pointless statement tells you nothing about the film, but in fact that is because there is nothing of any worth in the film, it is in itself stupid and pointless… and for some reason perfect as the throwaway filler in any movie marathon.

Now two days after watching Whiteout I can tell you exactly what happened from beginning to end with no emotion, as the film elicited no other response from me than “then this happened”, “then that happened”, “then it finished”.

After an inexplicable shower scene that has nothing to do with anything… we continue.

More specifically, Beckinsale plays a Marshall based at a research station in Antarctica. Her name is Kerry Stetko, and she has handed in her resignation after a three year contract and will finally move back to the US, her best bud on the site is the Doctor, played by Tom Skerritt in a bitzer role.

Due to some Treachery at Sky decades earlier (you can say “treachery at sea”, why not “treachery at sky”?) there is some sought after cargo buried under the snow at a plane crash site.

Long story short the once word gets around that the cargo is present, many people decide that they want in, and in the process a few of them get bumped off and Stetko and an FBI guy get involved.

It is worth noting just how clumsily this film was put together, and how certain events and plot points make absolutely no sense, so rather than describe the rest of the tedious events here are the lowlights:

I.      The dangers of Antarctica are explained in mind numbing detail to a bunch of recruits, only the movie fails to remember that the station is shutting down in two days for the winter period, where it is inaccessible. Why teach your trainees introductory stuff at the end of the shift? Oh wait, you mean this was a simple way to tell the audience that the area is dangerous? Moving right along then…

II.      If Stetko has flashbacks to an earlier event in her life, how exactly are they neatly edited and with several camera angles?

III.      At one point co-ordinates on a map take them to a seemingly vacant area, where they decide to walk around for a second so that Stetko can fall through an ice-hole about eight feet wide.

Read that again.

All snow and ice, nothing visible.

Walk around randomly.

Fall in hole.

Keep plot moving.


IV.      Once in the plane at the bottom of the hole, Stetko takes 30 seconds or so to accurately deduce what happened some 50 years previous armed with only a crappy torch to see.

V.      After escaping it seems that the vehicle has frozen up and won’t start. What to do next? How about we pass around some vodka and see what happens?

Swig, swig, Start!!! Lucky!

VI.      A long foot chase ends when the killer happens to be waiting right at the door where it finishes. Lucky!

After the first 20 minutes this is the whole film:

What is it? / Who took it? / Who was there? / Who has it now?

Final Rating – 6 / 10. This is a nothing film. Not good, not really bad, just a film. If that screams “Watch me!” then go ahead. But don’t expect much.

Final thought…


This supports my long held theory in whodunits or who-is-gonna-do-its called the Second Biggest Name theory.

If a film has two people that you know the first is invariably the star.

If the second character knows the main character, but isn’t that involved in the main action they are generally the bad guy.

They always seem to show up to admit as much just as the hero/main character comes to the sickening realization, usually while they are standing in a doorway behind our hero blocking the exit.

In this case the bad guy could have hidden the evidence linking him to the truth, but then we wouldn’t have the need for a neat conclusion to the film.

Second Final Thought – Kate Beckinsale can’t carry a film, regardless of how hot she is.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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