“Passion. Revenge. Eternity. Boredom.”
I don’t normally TMZ it up but Jebus little Jonny Connor has really let himself go, I wonder if after completing T2 he thought he would be in a total cash in piece of crap like this, playng alongside a burnt out never was most famous for being oblivious to a breeze, and the guy who is most famous for being in a spin-off, (NOT Frasier).
Evidence?
Fat Ed.
So Fat Eddie Furlong rolls in, desperate to get money (and cheeseburgers evidently), and decides “What the hell, I’ll make Crow 4”. Wonder if he remembers that now and slaps himself.
So The Crow: Wicked Prayer…
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Some Indians are shutting down a mine in order to build a casino, don’t ask why, you would think that a bunch of cashed up miners would be ideal targets for a new gambling establishment.
So 3 guys, each apparently affected by the closure, decide to blow up the mine, again Why? Their names are Pestilence, Famine and War. Catchy huh?
Shortly after they bust out a buddy of theirs kookily named Death, a Satanic Cult Leader, we know all these names as the descriptions and names are onscreen.
Death is played by the guy who played Angel on TV. I can’t work out if this is ironic or simply a sign that I am desperate to find anything of interest in this steaming turd.
So Fat Ed is Jimmy, a local no-hoper who decides to propose to a beautiful Indian chickie who was goodly enough or dopey enough to stick around with him. Rather than hanging around in a “town that just doesn’t understand our love man!” they decide to elope, only in the interim they are grabbed and ultimately killed by the aforementioned “four horse-idiots of the a-poxymovie-lypse”.
Oh, and the girlfriend of Death is none other than Tara Reid, perhaps the most misunderstood actress in Hollywood. (As in I simply don’t understand how she keeps getting hired.)
During the torture, which I gather is meant to be unrelenting, menacing and brutal but is boring and largely uneventful, the two young lovers are both hung, with Ed having the added bonus of having his heart torn out, and his missus being de-eyed, too bad as she was the only interesting thing in the movie to that point.
Apparently the 4 boneheads and the TaraReid Animated Robot Actress, T.A.R.A. for short, have hatched a plan that will make Death Satan.
Not a bad Angel.
Not a Demon.
Satan himself.
Lofty goals indeed. (Assuming there is one, I wonder what the actual Satan would think, given that he was suddenly going to become someone else?)
Anyway to complete the spell, make Death into Satan and T.A.R.A. his evil queen or something, they gang of idiots need to complete a night of murder and sacrilegious sex. (I think that is any sex involving Tara Reid, never fully explained.)
ONLY… ARE YOU READY FOR IT???
Fat Ed comes back from the dead.
Dun-Dun-Dun-DUNNNNN.
After this the movie runs out of even horrible ideas and simply tries to replicate as much as it can of the original Crow film.
There are so many “just like in the first one’s” that I wonder if they didn’t just use the same script, it is almost a (vastly inferior) remake.
There is a finale in what could best be described as an S&M Church, only notable for Dennis Hopper as a hip-hop talking moron, in a decision that can only show that even Hopper knew this was always destined to be a turkey.
And then happily for the audience, the movie ends.
And the acting?
– Fat Ed tries at times but his character so too cheesy to be interesting.
– Angel – In the same 90 minute movie Angel manages to both overact and half-arse his way into B movie immortality, only no-one will watch this so his bi-polar performance will go largely unnoticed. (Something he will be thankful for if he is ever “big”.)
– T.A.R.A. is Tara-ble, but then again what do you expect from a robot?
Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. Despite everything stated above, this is better than I expected going in, which only means I had incredibly low expectations. It is still terrible.
