Yes it is as terrible as the poster suggests, no it is not as titillating…
At last, a film aimed at the 18 – 35 year old white male demographic, Hollywood has been ignoring us for years.
This is supposed to be some sort of ironic “if it looks like sexploitation then you don’t get it. We win.” I do get this.
“This” is just a bad movie with some cleavage. So was “I know what you did last Summer”, only even that was better than this.
Now if you make a movie with the poster above, call it Bitch Slap and pick the cast with cleavage taking priority over looks and acting ability, as an 18-35 white male this is what I expect, in order:
T & A
Hotness
Action
Laughs
And being honest Bitch Slap tries for these, valiantly, it just doesn’t have the tools to get the job done.
T & A
The very first scene (after credits) plays out like this; two chicks peel themselves from their classic car, wearing high heels and cleavage, all in slo-mo and backed by cheesy rock music.
Like I said, they tried.
There are sexy outfits, sexy talk, even one sexy girl-on-girl scene. There are also numerous girl-on-girl fistfights, most necessitating removal of clothes and two a supposedly hot Asian baddie.
Despite all the above there is not one nipple on show, aside from a glimpse in a crowded strip club on an extra.
Grade – F. There is more T & A on a Beauty & the Geek ad!
Hotness
There are three primary “babes” and the afore-mentioned Asian chick.
Camaro – The undeniably hot one (America Olivo). Clad in a tight-white tank top and lowwww cut jeans. Also seemed to remember most of her lines and pulled off a couple of convincing expressions that suited the scene. Good effort.
+’s Much cleavage.
-‘s No nudity of any kind.
Trixie – Hard to describe. Trixie is whiny, clueless and annoying for much of the film. She does wear a tight fitting dress and jiggle about for much of the film, but it just can’t call her sexy or hot. (Without an inch of dust she’s probably hot as hell in real life.)
+’s Cleavage, a tight dress and much bouncing.
-‘s No nudity of any kind.
Hel – The boss of the three. Dresses like a businesswoman or mildly sexy accountant. The cleavage is once again on display but this woman just does nothing for me. And I have no idea of her vintage but she also looks old.
+’s Cleavage, a vaguely alluring business outfit.
-‘s No nudity of any kind. (Almost another + really.)
Token Asian chickie – I love the schoolgirl outfit and the tiny skirt, but as someone once said you could carve a roast on her face… and it looks like someone did. Also, for anyone who finds the non-English babbling sexy or hilarious you have issues.
+’s Cleavage, schoolgirl outfit with the shortest skirt on a smokin’ body.
-‘s No nudity of any kind. The skirt never rides up enough to allow…
Grade – C (Barely). Realistically only Camaro provides value, Trixie is adequate and the Asian chickie and Hel disappointing. I guess reality shows drew in all the hottie skanks willing to do anything for fame.
Action
Don’t get me started. If you want an action movie run in the other direction. Some people are shot, there are fistfights played for sexiness over action. Some guys are beaten up and there are a couple of explosions.
I watched this last night and couldn’t think of anything more than that. Disappointing effort indeed.
Grade – D. A great action movie this is not.
Laughs
I think I have a sense of humour. For some reason though I didn’t laugh once in this. Either my sense of humour was broken for 110 minutes, or 732 references to female genitalia, an Asian woman spouting gibberish and a staged water fight aren’t as funny as this film assumes.
This was obviously aiming for a cult audience by smashing the taboo that women can talk dirty and crassly to each other. Good luck with that, it worked for Sex and the City.
Grade – F. A 2 hour laugh free skit based upon a busted premise.
Even though it isn’t a major factor I might as well discuss the story. Three chicks are looking for a hidden stash of stolen gems, other guys are against them. Guys are evil and must be treated badly and punished.
There. Discussed the story. Moving on…
The filmmakers basically tried to make a Sin City clone in the totally annoying and unnecessary flashbacks that take up maybe 15 minutes of running time in an attempt to make the film look bigger and more impressive. Doesn’t work, Sin City looked stylish, this looks cheap.
So overall, a C, a D and two F’s gives me no choice but to rate Bitch Slap a massive fail. What should be an easy task, creating a T & A tease flick backfired so horribly that the only audience I can see who would appreciate this mess is the early teens, and only if their parents have strict internet blockers that screen everything vaguely attractive… and if they have no friends or all their friends have similar parents.
Small group.
Crank did cheesy action with a few laughs and a couple titties well.
Shoot ‘Em Up did the action with some grade A cleavage and laughs OK.
I’d rather watch a real exploitation flick than this wannabe cult classic. I went in expecting very little, even a C grade film would have killed some time, even with my reduced expectations I was severely let down.
Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. You want action watch any action film. You want laughs watch any comedy. You want hotness and T & A buy an FHM magazine or even just stay up late and watch those slutty ads on cable TV.
You want ANY of the above AVOID this. (And thank America Olivo for at least 4 of those points.)
