There are no doubt many reviews and recommendations for unabashed T&A comedies, but you may never find another that covers off so comprehensively on the clichés and recurring elements that seem to populate these staples of cinema.
Another way to look at T&A in the current environment is a preference for lighthearted, heavy-chested chuckles over internet porn…
Now I must stress that I devised this checklist prior to watching the three films in this tissue-heavy marathon (not really!!), and it only took a few minutes too, as the basic premise of practically every T&A film is the same: introduce 3 – 5 likable losers into a utopian beach civilization filled with hot, curvy chicks who don’t have jobs aside from wearing bikinis, chicks who wouldn’t ordinarily give them the time of day. Come up with a myriad of reasons for afore-mentioned hotties to disrobe. Pick which of the guys get lucky, and which will suffer unfortunate fluid-related mishaps.
I have rated each area from 0 to 10. 0 didn’t happen, 10 it sure did. Hopefully this will fast-track some flicks in your ‘must watch’ queue, and allow you to safely delete others.
Hardbodies
This early 80s effort is notable for the blatantly creepy undertones. Some old guys staying beachside openly slaver over the young talent tanning along the shoreline, they latch on to a young cool stud with the sole aim of tagging as many of the hotties that are thrown up in his poon-fuelled wake as possible.
Hilarity doesn’t ensue…
- Beach quality: 8. The beautiful natural backdrop is the most picturesque thing in the film. Not a good thing.
- Joke quality: 2. Wait creepy old guys leching onto nubile girls is supposed to be funny?
- Chick quality: 6. Hey it’s a T&A film, this must be addressed! The girls are pretty enough, but it’s more notable that augmentation wasn’t prevalent in the 80s.
- Nudity quality: 5. It happens, but it isn’t enough to garner an endorsement here.
- Nerd quality: 2. Every teen-sex comedy needs a memorable nerd. The nerds are here, but they aren’t quality.
- Jock quality: 3. The jocks here are loathsome and inane, but hardly jock-like. They are more a fat git and his doush buddies who would have as much luck pulling the chicks as the old guys.
- Obnoxiousness levels: 7. Here is where Hardbodies shines – unfortunately. Almost everyone in the film is unlikable to the max.
- Cool factor: 0. Read above.
- Party quality: 6. Every T&A film needs a kick-ass party that demands envy from viewers. This one isn’t bad, but you wouldn’t panic if you missed it.
- Innuendo quality: 0. Less innuendo, more creepy old guys asking for sex.
- Band quality: 2. Photogenic teens. A beach. Alcohol. A party. All we need now is a band! This film has not one. Not two. But three shitty bands playing shitty synth driven noise.
- Titular theme song: 3. Oh it’s lousy.
- Knees to the groin: 10. The most lecherous and heavy-handed gents in these flicks require a reminder that they should back away. This reminder is normally delivered in an upward kicking motion.
Two bonus categories:
The most notable attempt to see chicks naked: “Hey I’m a photographer. Would you like me to take some shots of you and your friend in various states of undress?”
Does it work?: Surprisingly yes. But not surprisingly given it is a T&A film.
Nice / Creepy / Rapey ratio: Just how determined are the pursuers of tail? In Hardbodies the old guys are perpetually creepy even when well away from the thronged throng, but there was one scene that was downright rapey in tone. 80s T&A still had a lot to learn.
Final Rating – 3 / 10. When the highest scoring elements are ‘knee to the groin’ and ‘beach quality’, and the lowest involve laughs, nudity and cool – or more pointedly a lack thereof – steer well clear.
Bikini Summer
Some 10 years later comes this inane effort that opens with an amazing montage signifying what will follow, tits n ass, and ass n tits.
And there are still 90 more minutes to go.
- Beach quality: 6. The filmmakers here had the good sense to set the film on the beach, but realize that it isn’t the grand beach panoramas that the audience are here for.
- Joke quality: 4. Pretty terrible. But not ‘Hardbodies terrible’.
- Chick quality: 8 ½. Enter the 90s; enter the era of enhancement!
- Nudity quality: 8. As alluded to above the thongs and more start at minute 1.
- Nerd quality: 9. And how. Goofy hats. Over-used zinc. Long socks and practical shoes. Warning hot women about the dangers of tanning!
- Jock quality: 9. On this beach exist a species of jock that are so very jock-ey as to render other jocks emasculated.
- Obnoxiousness levels: 5. Still high, but at vaguely acceptable tolerance levels.
- Cool factor: 0. It might have been cool in the early 90s, but everyone – male and female – can’t rock Poison hair and get away with it.
- Party quality: 4. Until the ‘bikini’ contest. It was a snooze-fest till that point.
- Innuendo quality: 0. Another film decidedly lacking in innuendo in any form. Sad.
- Band quality: 2. Chicks with Poison hair and music to match
- Titular theme song: 6. This one is pretty awful too in a Tiffany sort of way, and perhaps it is the imagery running through my mind that supports it, but I am humming it as I type.
- Knees to the groin: 0. Nary a single leg joint in a deserving crotch. (Of course not many advances are declined.)
Two bonus categories:
The most notable attempt to see chicks naked:
- The old peek through the hole in the shower gag gets a look in.
- A pretty blonde wakes up in a stranger’s house after a party and promptly decides to skinny dip in slow motion.
- “Hey I’m a photographer. Would you like me to take some shots of you and your friend in various states of undress?” (Seriously in back to back films! And here it happens more than once, with outlandishly impressive results thanks to a bold-faced dream sequence for the ages.)
Nice / Creepy / Rapey ratio: This is far more acceptable and in fact mostly toes the ‘nice’ and fun line, with only sporadic creepiness.
Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. Look I couldn’t begin to tell you a thing about this crappy film. I can’t recall a single laugh. But the intro and ‘I’m a photographer’ dream sequence have to be seen to be believed. At least by guys.
I can’t be seen to espouse the virtues of films where the primary intent is to see women jiggle about in the nude, but if I did this might be the blueprint.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go and ice… something.
OGR
