Let’s get straight into the last month’s 5 hours of ocular torture.
Dolemite
From my (thankfully now exhausted) list of classic exploitation films we have Dolemite. Dolemite is a fat, black violent pimp who spouts poetry and is wrongfully targeted by the naughty white cops, even though he ain’t no drug dealer sucka! I did mention he is a violent pimp right?
Plot Overview
Do-le-mite is a str8 pimp
Framed n jailed by cops
Re-leased to break down drug gang
The Action
D is fat, ugly n mum-bles
Knows kung-fu (he claims…)
Hates cops – but la-dies luv him!?!
In Summation
Makes na-ry a lick of sense
Kung-fu kick-in’ hos
Boom mikes in ev-er-y shot
Final Rating – 3 / 10. The extreme low budget nature and absolutely shocking production values amuse for the first 15 minutes, then rapidly become painful. Dolemite is perhaps the ugliest, fattest, least worthy “hero” (Still a pimp!) in movie history. I must give at least one point for his hilarious overpronouncing of Moth-a-FOCK-A!
Willard
Willard doesn’t fit my usual criteria for the B Haikus, but the storyline was so basic and the events so limited that it does lend itself to the structure better than me padding out 500 words would.
Plot Overview
Will-ard is shy, ver-y shy
His boss bull-ies him
He lives n cares for old Mum
The Action
He cat-ches rat in cel-lar
Can’t bear to kill it
More rats come – Will hat-ches scheme
In Summation
Mill-ions of rats obey Will
Some vis-u-als work
Bare plot more weird than in-spired
Final Rating – 6 / 10. Aside from Crispin Glover’s troubled (and troubling) performance as the increasingly nutso titular outcast the only noteworthy thing the audience will take away is one cool but gross visual.
This isn’t a B Movie – but it doesn’t have much going for it anyway.
Showdown in Little Tokyo
Well the cover has Dolph in a martial arts pose and the back says he is an expert in all things Yakuza. A young Brandon Lee (who unfortunately never got the chance to be old) is worth a shot and the cover also warns about nudity and names Tia Carrerre in a supporting role. I like those odds! (I actually remember watching this some 20 years ago and can’t remember a thing about it, so that’s probably a negative.)
Plot Overview
Mis-matched cops fight tri-ads
Dolph n Bran-don Lee
Dolph tuff, Lee fun-nee (we’re told)
The Action
It’s like they had a check-list
Went through tick-ing off
Fight / fight / chase / fuck / fight / fin-ish
In Summation
Lame script, la-men-ta-ble “jokes”
Ma-cho cheese cli-ches
Tia Carr-ere nude good (dou-ble !)
Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. A lousy buddy cop action vehicle showcasing the supercoolness and dry wit of Dolph Lundgren and the comedic stylings of a pre-Crow Brandon Lee. How could it have gone wrong? Oh yeah, they used a body double for the Tia Carrerre nudity, if they hadn’t done that I guarantee this would have been re-rented many more times.
Until next month…
