So stop me if you’ve heard this before; a highly efficient trained killer, almost immune to pain and emotion who, once started, will never stop until he has finished his mission, is tasked with tracing a pretty young woman. The woman – let’s call her Sarah Connor for convenience – is oblivious to why she is targeted, but eventually learns it is due to her family tree.
Then, just before Sarah is killed, a young man – let’s call him Kyle Reese for no sensible reason – arrives and says something that sounds embarrassingly similar to “come with me if you want to live” before protecting Sarah from the Terminator’s random guy’s relentless assault.
But wait, there’s more for James Cameron’s lawyers to sift through. After Sarah and Kyle ask for police protection and are secure in the heavily armed and well staffed police headquarters, the Terminator arrives, calmly tells the police both his intended target and method of kill delivery, then wreaks havoc.
At some point the roles are reversed and the Terminator ends up protecting Sarah. I realise that’s kind of a spoiler but couldn’t go past the fact that this is two ripoffs in one. Plus if any of this sounds remotely interesting, please ignore this and watch The Terminator and T2: Judgment Day. I implore you.
…
This is the kind of film where one guy can take down an entire facility apparently lit exclusively by strobe lighting. Where that same man can perform karate with empty hands, then effortlessly produce a garrotte wire from nowhere, then he magically has a pistol, then two, at first with silencers where appropriate, then suddenly without. All within 60 logic murdering seconds…
This is the kind of film where the same man can wander through an airport and steal a pilot’s jacket and put it on without breaking stride, then steal a DIFFERENT PILOT’S hat two seconds later – and no fucker notices.
This is the kind of film with high level conspiracies and dark secrets galore, with large sterile clean facilities, with hundreds of henchman literally dying for no reason.
This is the kind of film Hollywood spends (always) thirty million on, knowing that rusted on gamers with dreams of adequacy and a willingness to be disappointed will pay for what will inevitably suck.
All that, and Hitman: Agent 47 still isn’t even the worst film of the year. Not by a long shot. But still, fuck this film and fuck the fuckers that keep churning shit like this out.
Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. What was inevitable, nonetheless remains depressing.
