I don’t like to lead with an absolute statement but it requires saying; everyone in The Passion of Darkly Noon is a nutbag. And because I just did absolutely go with one absolute statement, here’s another; The Passion of Darkly Noon is absolutely rubbish…
A dishevelled and exhausted young man shows up unconscious in the middle of nowhere. Diminutive and pixie featured Callie (Ashley Judd) conveniently lives near now here’s middle, and – ignoring the fact that he could be a serial killer – she takes him in.
It takes a couple days before he is on his feet, and when he finally does talk in a stilted and creepy mumble, the strange man tells Callie that he is Darkly Noon, so named after his religious fanatic parents played ‘pin the tail on the bible’. Darkly tells Callie that they were not part of a cult, but that the cult they were a part of was ambushed by other extremists and his cult parents were killed.
It’s about this time that Callie should be calling the pound to see if they will take the puppy back, but no, she simply tells him to do as he pleases, while for her part she wanders around in halter tops, sundresses and tiny skirts…
Her only momentary defence is that ‘Clay will be home soon’. Apparently Clay has a bit of a temper and wanderlust combo, and a few days prior he promptly headed out into the woods alone for no reason.
Now it should be Darkly’s turn to be a mite concerned.
Nope. He sits in the barn and watches Callie wander around in her undies before following her to see her take a dip in a natural spa. In between he repeatedly tells her that everything is a sin, before eventually he succumbs to the urges…
…Only keep it zipped Mister, because here comes Clay. It should be no surprise that Clay (Viggo Mortenson) is a stone cold lunatic as well. Not only is he a coffin maker, but he is also a magician. And a mute who communicates exclusively through gestures and whistles.
The local undertaker shows up a bit later to look at the selection of coffins – he’s as wacky as a loon. Darkly meets an old lady who lives in the woods who swears that Callie is a witch – she has a giant silver shoe that she floats down the river.
And you bet your sweet ass that in the midst of the deep dark woods that an elephant shows up for the last scene, as well as a kid carrying about a replica of the giant silver shoe.
The Passion of Darkly Noon is the work of a man who obviously likes hitting himself in the head with various objects so that he might see the beautiful colours and patterns in his head. A man who runs over a dog in a steamroller before writing down how it made him feel. A man who talks to a wheelbarrow for hours just to say he did.
The Passion of Darkly Noon is an amazing piece of pointlessness. It frustrated the living shit out of me, yet somehow even though I didn’t like it one bit, I didn’t hate it. I should have, but I didn’t. That might be its greatest achievement.
Final Rating – 5 / 10. So a giddy gushing idiot, a mumbling religious fanatic and a mute magician walk into a bar…
I wish. At least with that set up you might hold out hope for a punch line.
P.S. I just found out after finishing this review that the same director made the far, far superior Heartless. It seems he hit his head just the right number of times in the end.
