The 13th Warrior (Review)

Dodgy movie. Great cheekbones.

It’s a long and mostly unnecessary road that takes Ahmed (Antonio Banderas) our Arabian Northener from his homeland to travelling alongside a bunch of Viking foreigners as there 13th wheel on a fabled quest. A road that is only taken to justify the inclusion of a cameo by Omar Sharif – an inclusion that I guarantee was to ‘class things up’ around here.

No matter, because after a few minutes and a crazy ladies’ psychic vision Ahmed heads off with a bunch of guys he just met, guys who speak a language he doesn’t speak a word of, on a quest to save a neighbouring village from the ‘unspeakable’.

Seriously let’s not mention it again.

Ahmed decides that the communication issue is a little annoying, so on the first evening over dinner he teaches himself Viking by lip-reading the conversation around the campfire dinner. Either Ahmed missed his calling or the Viking language is pretty straightforward, in fact once they drop the subtitles they all seem to have wildly varying accents. Regardless Ahmed is fluent before the dessert is served, proving his mastery of the language by labelling a dinner companion a ‘pig eating son of a whore’, a slur that would be even more insulting if switched around a bit…

Later on Ahmed proves he is no one trick pony by learning advanced swordsmanship techniques 101 with nary a montage, then this horny helmeted baker’s dozen head onward to defend their neighbours, who must have been pretty stoked when thirteen guys rock up fatigued from a long journey to protect them from something so scary it makes Vikings not want to talk about it.

So I won’t speak of the unspeakable.

Ahmed and the boys do indeed get the chance to use their skills for something beyond writing ‘Advanced melee sword-fighting for Dummies’ and ‘Learning Viking in one easy lesson for Dummies’. There are action sequences that are OK peppered with a few violent acts and some scenes best described as momentarily adventurous, but The Thirteenth Warrior is nothing more than another film that aims to fill the gap between swords and sandals epics and LotR fantasy sagas.

Unfortunately while it is all serviceable and hardly unspeakable there isn’t much to recommend.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. At the conclusion of one ‘great’ battle the King says “If someone were to draw (or film) these events we would go down in legend!”.

Got news for you King Asterix – or whatever your name is – not really.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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