The Hard Corps (Review)

They ran out of airbrush on this poster.

They ran out of airbrush on this poster.

This is JCVD’s effort to break into another market, the mainstream has obviously eluded him, so here he tries to get into the Tyrese, DMX, gangsta-cred crowd.

A black rapper gets out of jail, it looks like he plans to kill another black guy who somehow managed to put him in there in the first place.

The other black guy is the former heavyweight boxing champ of the world, his sister is one Vivica A. Fox who proves beyond reasonable doubt here that she simply can’t act.

Events transpire and they hire JCVD to lead their security team after Choice 1 was killed in a drive by, after the fakest “crowded club” scene I can remember. (Basically 40 people standing about with bad music playing not even pretending to dance.)

At the funeral it is notable that JCVD gives the closest thing to a “speech” that I can recall in any of the 20 odd films I have seen so far, 5 or 6 sentences!

I think originally they planned to show some montages of the training of the security team, only they forgot or ran out of money, so the “prospects” suddenly become the “team” with no mention of training or selection or anything.

JCVD is supposed to get jiggy with Vivica, a prospect that is not even a little enticing as she is looking ordinary as these days, he quits numerous times when things don’t go his way and has a pretty good fight with the boxer after a disagreement.

There is a crappy shootout at the end with the rappers Vs the security team bustin’ off clips with no-one getting shot in the first 2 minutes despite 100s of rounds being released in close proximity. Maybe the actors were put off a little by the bad hip-hop being played in the background. (You only think I’m making that up, but it was so out of place when I watched it.)

The rapper was a P Diddy, Master P cliché, all bravado and bluster, the guy couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag and was as credible as Vanilla Ice – much like Master P and P Diddy really. You could tell the rappers and their crew as they were the ones holding their guns sideways.

One extremely out of place thing: After a failed hit on the boxer, the main henchman of the rapper-dude stabs a guy as punishment, guts him and feeds the “steaks” to his dogs, licking his fingers afterwards as a message to the surviving crew!

I literally ran out of ways to illustrate how insane that sequence was.

1 – Why is he French?

No idea, but as usual he was a US soldier somehow.

2 – Who is he saving/helping?

The former heavyweight champ of the world.

3 – Who is the Bad Guy(s)?

A naughty rapper and his many cronies. Corrupt cops.

4 – Does he do the splits?

No.

5 – Is he shirtless in the film?

No!

6 – Does he hold poses after the final punch/kick? (Usually in slo-mo!)

No.

7 – Is the soundtrack full of ‘orrible cheesy toons?

Yes, especially uninspired hip-hop.

8 – Are there any other recognisable actors in the film?

Vivica A. Fox. (Who is no longer A. Fox.)

9 – Is there a love interest? (Or at least some tit!)

Lotsa scantily dressed rap skanks.

10 – Is the damme thing any damme good?

No. Too much of not much.

Verdict – A mediocre gangsta flick. Like Jet Li I think JCVD has learned that you can only tarnish your career with these things.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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