No attempted wit here. FUCK THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!
This film sucks on every level. It is so bad that I am sure if JCVD ever made a big film with a huge payday his first act would be to buy every copy of this DVD and burn it.
JCVD is in the desert.
Alone. And (possibly having seen a rough version of this film), suicidal. He talks to a mirage version of Danny Trejo, the Mexican guy from a bunch of films.
3 rednecks gun him down and steal his bike, he swears revenge.
JCVD goes into the local town, we are introduced to a bunch of idiots that are supposed to be quirky and interesting but are basically one note morons, spouting inane dialogue with precious little interest.
There is a joke I heard when I was in high school that I think they wanted a laugh from. Then more terrible jokes, and terrible jokes again.
Something about 2 rival gangs of drug makers involved in a gunfight that is immediately stopped by a disagreement. How do you stop a gunfight to get into a verbal argument, isn’t it normally the other way around?
Start with the argument then drag out the weapons guys, it just. Makes. More. Sense.
The gangs take Trejo hostage and JCVD saves him and the locals.
The end.
1 – Why is he French?
Who cares? This is rubbish.
2 – Who is he saving/helping?
Some idiot townsfolk. His Indian buddy.
3 – Who is the Bad Guy(s)?
2 rival Meth gangs. The filmmakers.
4 – Does he do the splits?
No. They can’t even get that right.
5 – Is he shirtless in the film?
Of course.
6 – Does he hold poses after the final punch/kick? (Usually in slo-mo!)
No.
7 – Is the soundtrack full of ‘orrible cheesy toons?
A very ‘orrible cowboy song over the credits.
8 – Are there any other recognisable actors in the film?
Actually a few. Mr Miagi. Joy from My Name is Earl. Danny Trejo.
9 – Is there a love interest? (Or at least some tit!)
Yep.
10 – Is the damme thing any damme good?
No. No. No.No. Nooooooooooooo.
Verdict – Ladies and gentlemen, the introduction of the D Movie.
