B Movie Haiku Reviews – Dolemite / Willard / Showdown in Little Tokyo

Let’s get straight into the last month’s 5 hours of ocular torture.

Dolemite

From my (thankfully now exhausted) list of classic exploitation films we have Dolemite. Dolemite is a fat, black violent pimp who spouts poetry and is wrongfully targeted by the naughty white cops, even though he ain’t no drug dealer sucka! I did mention he is a violent pimp right?

Plot Overview

Do-le-mite is a str8 pimp

Framed n jailed by cops

Re-leased to break down drug gang

The Action

D is fat, ugly n mum-bles

Knows kung-fu (he claims…)

Hates cops – but la-dies luv him!?!

In Summation

Makes na-ry a lick of sense

Kung-fu kick-in’ hos

Boom mikes in ev-er-y shot

Final Rating – 3 / 10. The extreme low budget nature and absolutely shocking production values amuse for the first 15 minutes, then rapidly become painful. Dolemite is perhaps the ugliest, fattest, least worthy “hero” (Still a pimp!) in movie history. I must give at least one point for his hilarious overpronouncing  of Moth-a-FOCK-A!

Willard

Willard doesn’t fit my usual criteria for the B Haikus, but the storyline was so basic and the events so limited that it does lend itself to the structure better than me padding out 500 words would.

Plot Overview

Will-ard is shy, ver-y shy

His boss bull-ies him

He lives n cares for old Mum

The Action

He cat-ches rat in cel-lar

Can’t bear to kill it

More rats come – Will hat-ches scheme

In Summation

Mill-ions of rats obey Will

Some vis-u-als work

Bare plot more weird than in-spired

Final Rating – 6 / 10. Aside from Crispin Glover’s troubled (and troubling) performance as the increasingly nutso titular outcast the only noteworthy thing the audience will take away is one cool but gross visual.

This isn’t a B Movie – but it doesn’t have much going for it anyway.

Showdown in Little Tokyo

Well the cover has Dolph in a martial arts pose and the back says he is an expert in all things Yakuza. A young Brandon Lee (who unfortunately never got the chance to be old) is worth a shot and the cover also warns about nudity and names Tia Carrerre in a supporting role. I like those odds! (I actually remember watching this some 20 years ago and can’t remember a thing about it, so that’s probably a negative.)

Plot Overview

Mis-matched cops fight tri-ads

Dolph n Bran-don Lee

Dolph tuff, Lee fun-nee (we’re told)

The Action

It’s like they had a check-list

Went through tick-ing off

Fight / fight / chase / fuck / fight / fin-ish

In Summation

Lame script, la-men-ta-ble “jokes”

Ma-cho cheese cli-ches

Tia Carr-ere nude good (dou-ble !)

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. A lousy buddy cop action vehicle showcasing the supercoolness and dry wit of Dolph Lundgren and the comedic stylings of a pre-Crow Brandon Lee. How could it have gone wrong? Oh yeah, they used a body double for the Tia Carrerre nudity, if they hadn’t done that I guarantee this would have been re-rented many more times.

Until next month…

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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