B-Movie Haiku Reviews: File Under – ‘Weird body parts’: Bad Milo / Bad Johnson / Teeth

For some strange reason we have had a glut of films featuring mischievous body parts with their own agendas – or at least body related parts.

Are any of them inspired? No.
Are any of them at least touched by genius? No.
Are any of them even vaguely good? No.
Are all of them mindlessly repetitive, pointless, reliant on the same joke again and again and hoping that the promise of hilarious nudity and body humour will do most of the work? Whyyyyyyyy:

YES!

Bad MiloBad Milo

So it seems Milo is an angry personal angel/demon of vengeance that emerges periodically to punish those that annoy or threaten its host. And he lives in the host’s arse.

How couldn’t that be a wall to wall chuckle fest?

The Plot

Dun-can has bad stom-ach pains

Thinks stress? Di-et? Nope…

…venge-ful de-mon in his butt

The Action

Dunc wor-ries. Mad psych says chill

Keep-ing Mi-lo calm

Keeps mur-der lev-els low-er

(But Dunc-an has stress-ful life)

In Summation

With a butt rel-a-ted plot

Exp-ect but hu-mour

But(t) you’d hope for more than this

 Ken Marino does his Ray Romano after a car accident thing and tries to remain above the material. Peter Stormare revels in low-brow as the kooky psychiatrist asked to analyse the contents of Duncan’s pants. But neither are given much to work with. Even the outtakes are boring as hell.

In fact the only thing I can think of as memorable is the ‘entry – and re-entry’ scenes.

A film with a premise as ridiculous as this owes it to us to be more ridiculous. For a movie about butt-demons this sure plays it safe.

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. Ironically it is the film that most looks like it was pulled out of a stressed out guy’s butt.

bad_johnsonBad Johnson

I think we all remember that Bad Milo was a butt dwelling personal hitman. So can it really be a big surprise to hear that Bad Johnson is a film where a man wishes his evil penis away, and said penis appears in the human personification of same to wreak havoc upon his former host’s personal life.

The Plot

Lech-er-ous wo-man-i-ser

Rich has no con-science

Hates that his dick runs his life

The Action

Rich wish-es his dick a-way

Un-til the wish works

And dick re-turns in guy form

In Summation

A film with no-one to like

And no jokes to laugh

Rich and dick; a pair of dicks

Rich the guy is obnoxious, vain and unlikeable – with and without his dick. His humanised pee-pee is unruly, disruptive and perpetually horny. At least it has an excuse of sorts.

The fact is I wanted to punch both of them. I wanted both of them to get caught in the zipper. Both of them to be kicked between the legs.

And I wanted to nut-punch the film when dickless dick Rich finds ‘Real Love’ thanks to him losing his pants pilot.

Final Rating – 5 / 10. When you set out to make a film about how different men are when they think with their zipper, try to show a difference when said influence is removed. This film makes me hate men.

teeth_ver2Teeth

Our last film is just as limited and infinitely creepier, a virginal young woman finds that she has defence mechanisms in the strangest areas that ward off unwanted male attention.

The Plot

Dawn; young, cute, whole-some un-touched

Dawn has a se-cret

That is kept be-tween her legs…

The Action

Each time a gent ven-tures South

Which is quite fre-quent

A strange in-stinct takes o-ver

In Summation

Ex-act same plot con-triv-ance

Re-pea-ted of-ten

Men line up to the ‘bite cave’

Once the first male ‘advance scout’ is severed the tone is set, unfortunately when you have an area with – not to be crude – there are only so many potential visitors; there are only so many things that can happen.

Poor old Dawn is a dick magnet in every sense of the word, but a premise this thin can only be stretched so far. That said, if you ever demanded a film about a vagina biting things, then here it is.

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. Ironic that a film called ‘teeth’ is so very toothless.

Three films. Same theme. Same lazy shtick. Same disappointing result.

OGR

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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