Jade (Review)

 

6, 7, 8, 10. Ready or not, here in come!

6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ready or not, here I come!

I sought out Jade when Seth Rogen, (in The 40 Year Old Virgin), said to Steve Carrell:

“Be a dick, be like David Caruso in Jade”. That sounded like reason enough to check out a film to me.

I was wrong.

Jade opens with a slow track of a very expensive home filled with ornate and similarly expensive looking décor, as they fang around the home looking at artifacts of various ethnic backgrounds we hear muffled voices, which gradually gain pace and urgency as it becomes obvious that something of an argument is underway.

The music is typically mid 90s overwrought shrill orchestral stuff, a little too dramatic for its own good, and the scene culminates with what appears to be a murder.

We’re like 5 minutes in, that ain’t a spoiler folks.

Cut to a formal function, a horny Chazz Palminteri is chatting up his wife Linda Fiorentino, with dialogue that sounds way too friendly and amiable for them to really be married. Not that married couples don’t get along, just that there isn’t a great deal of real-life snappy banter outside of sitcoms.

Turns out hubby wife and David Caruso, who was lurking nearby at the party, all knew the dead guy from the first scene.

Davey rocks up and the crime scene and is all CSI business… and he looks for clues… and the same guy who wrote this also wrote Basic Instinct and Showgirls so we know there are going to be many twists and turns that largely don’t make sense… and that Dave is having sex with something before this film is over… oh and an early call has Linda somehow the killer.

There are some Asian guys playing mahjong that David visits because there was a Chinese symbol left at the crime scene, and the Chinese guy recognizes the piece and where it was engraved. I will now remind you, the house was full of antiques, collectibles and rarities, and Dave picked up the one thing among the literally thousands that contained a direct relevant link to the case!

Chazz and Dave are buddies, and Dave used to bang Linda, only Chazz now does and yet they seem to still be good buds.

Almost like it was written… clumsily. I hope Joe Eszterhas, the writer, invested his money wisely.

Blah, blah, blah… compromising photos involving a prominent politician. Blah, blah, blah… Linda appears somehow involved and apparently has no alibi… blah, blah, blah… everyone is having an affair… blah, blah, blah… kinky sex and drugs.

Another thing I love is that random faceless cops and investigators happen to find key evidence at exactly the same time as Dave happens to be in the room, and only then.

A six foot tall redhead supermodel looking chick runs when they try to question her, maybe she thought she would be really hard to track down, as 6 ft tall redhead supermodels grow on trees. And she outruns them for about two minutes… in high heels… up and down stairs… and Dave says “Goddamnit”, four times in a 12 second span when he catches her. I only wish I was making that up.

If all this sounds disjointed it is because that is how Jade rolls, it makes no sense and is confusing even when the lead characters openly describe what is supposed to be happening.

OK, another random thought: When someone cuts your brakeline and you’re hurtling downhill why does no-one think to turn off the engine?

Dave follows the leads to a high end hooker operation that panders to high rollers and politicians. This is where Jade comes in, as she is the most sought after hooker who will do things no other woman will do (except every porn starlet in history I’d reckon). Lucky Dave picked up that trinket with the Jade symbol on it hey!

There is camera footage that Dave cleverly uses to his advantage by telling the operator to “freeze it” and “zoom in”, what police work! And why the hell didn’t the so called camera techie expert not think to do that in the first place?

The woman on the way to help piece together the whole thing dies metres before reaching Dave and filling him in. (Oh NOOOO!!) This is followed by a pretty good car chase, at least until Dave recklessly runs over a Chinese parade (surely this would create an international incident or at least piss off a lot of Chinese people, many of whom are run over by the bad guy?

Dave never once calls for back up or a road block, despite the many obvious fatalities and a clear hit and run, nor does he stop and ask any of the many people on the wharf “hey did another car go past here only seconds ago?” as it is clearly would have been the first in hours.

I got very bored early with all the yawnworthy twists that are supposed to be dramatic and shocking, the inane dialogue that is supposed to be snappy and the plotline that is supposed to be intricate but ends up being extraordinarily confusing.

Final Rating – 4 / 10. Pointless, confusing and dull. Wants so bad to be a shocker but instead is just shocking.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
This entry was posted in Crappy Movies, Film, Movie Reviews, The 7th Level of Suck. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.