Allow me some disclosure here, I am not a box office prognosticator. I know what I like and occasionally I feel strongly that certain films deserve wider acceptance or acclaim – that’s it.
The movie going audience can be very fickle and hard to predict, who could have thought The Hangover would be massive while dozens of similarly smutty comedies are practically ignored each year. Was American Pie really such a high-water mark in cinema when all it really had going for it was an exchange student’s chesticles?
So I am not going to pretend to know why Jonah Hex tanked so bad. I will offer up some possibilities though:
- Josh Brolin is a good lookin’ guy, playing a character with half his face missing somewhat dilutes that.
- Megan Fox is a good lookin’ girl, but for the year prior to the movie’s release those photos of her walking around in a corset were everywhere. Perhaps by the time the movie came out most guys thought well we’ve already seen the best bits, (so to speak).
- Pre-publicity ignored what the damn movie was about. It wasn’t until I watched it that I knew anything at all. The poster didn’t help. All it said was who was in it, not what it was about.
- For those that looked a bit harder, perhaps the fact that it was set shortly after the US Civil War lost a few punters, especially once they realize that Mr Hex actually fought for the (pro-slavery) South?
- Maybe people are just over comic book films being released that have nothing more going for them than the fact they were based on a comic book?
- Or “D – All of the above”?
So maybe it was some, most or all of those things. Or perhaps it was something different entirely? I don’t know or care. But what I do know is that even if this was a once off anomaly it is a refreshing one – because Jonah Hex is mediocre in every way, and worse than that it seems to embrace and revel in its own mediocrity.
Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) did Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) wrong, so Quentin Turnbull thought turn about is fair play and did Jonah Hex wrong – by barbecuing his wife and son and branding his initials on his cheek. Exactly what kind of guy walks around with a convenient brand featuring his own initials isn’t covered in the film. Turnbull isn’t a rancher – maybe yellow sticky notes weren’t invented yet?
Hex was nearly killed by Turnbull and left for dead, only to be dragged back from the brink of eternal damnation by an Indian tribe. A side-effect of being near death is that Hex can talk to the dead simply by touching them.
So there’s that going for him.
Hex is understandably is a little perturbed by the death of his family, but as Turnbull was apparently killed he is unable to avenge them. Instead turning into a crack bounty hunter who works alone – for one scene.
Megan Fox is a whore… in this film, she plays Hex’s love interest. Why she loves Hex is never covered, why he loves her isn’t either (why he would like to get some of what she has is clear though!). Fox is merely there to put something purty on the poster, be in need of assistance at the end of the film and sell tickets. Looks like she managed two of those measly goals.
The rest of this bizarrely short film continues the by the numbers routine: Identify good guy. Identify bad guy and why they hate each other. Introduce love interest. Have them fight.
Turnbull is indeed back and hell bent on doing something big and nasty to the good ole U.S. of A. (cue gasps and boos from the audience). Hex hears of Turnbull’s reappearance and heads to his buddy who gives him some “cowboy-James Bond” weapons with which to exact his revenge (the buddy with unique weapons is such an overused device in film nowadays) and save America (cue cheers and mindless “whoops”).
That’s it really. The whole thing is so rote and predictable that at one point I was so ahead of the plot I started seeing the credits in my head even though the film was only half finished!
John Malkovich hasn’t been seen for a while (in anything decent anyway). The crazy wig and glue-on facial hair he sports as Turnbull makes him look like a huge sheepdog, and he seems to think that this is all one big hammy joke – rightfully so.
So…
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Malkovich at least can hide behind his ludicrously cartoonish mutton-chops – and rely on his acting chops (mmmm double-chops) to keep a straight face…
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Brolin has the advantage of letting CGI do half his work for him, as long as he can keep the left side of his face from frowning or crying he can maintain the illusion of credibility…
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Thanks for the help Google.
Which leaves Megan Fox who must thank her plastic surgeon for enabling her to maintain that odd dead eyed, expressionless look through her 15 minutes or less of screentime…
(I find it odd that in a ridiculous media driven world that only takes aim at the easiest of targets that Fox largely gets off scot-free.)
After all if you look at the before and after photos she might only be a couple surgeries behind Heidi Montag. Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox and dozens of other actresses – and probably actors – are all similarly guilty, yet society continues to hunt those pesky drug-taking sportsmen mercilessly and ignore actors.
In truth Megan Fox may have taken performance enhancing surgery, but if she did she’s the Ben Johnson in the current field. Three cheers for her scalpel indeed!)
Anyway Jonah Hex isn’t spectacularly bad, it is more embarrassingly not-good and mercifully ends incredibly early (8 minutes of credits in an already short 80 minute film). And with the budget thrown at it that is why they should be ashamed.
Final Rating – 5 / 10. The hex in this film seems to go well beyond the title.
