Sometimes quote-whores piss me off.
I am the Father of a 3 year old, I have a 6 year old nephew, a 4 year old niece and numerous friends with similarly aged kids. I spent yesterday simultaneously trying to catch up with friends while no less than 7 kids aged under 7 ran around shrieking and baying like tiny savages.
There are millions of scary things about being a parent. There are a lot of scary things about kids in that age bracket.
Unfortunately The Children misses out on capitalising on any of those things.
In short: A Chrissy family reunion is underway at the remote home of one of the families. There are 3 lots of parental units and half a dozen kids, must around 5 or less and one in her teens.
A couple of the kids are showing symptoms of illness, blood noses and vomiting, but nothing that wouldn’t be typical of any cross-section of kids over a weekend.
Scary, only if you’re paying to raise them
Only this time the kid’s conditions deteriorates and they start getting violent, think stabby and bitey. In fact when one of the adults has a minor accident it almost appeared as if one of the kids was deliberately responsible.
Fair enough so far. Kids are naughty, therefore adults look out.
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I’ll put up with some leaps of logic in horror films, even bad horror films, in order to give them a chance. But once the kids – repeat ages 5 and under – kill the first guy and methodically set about menacing everyone else in the house I lost the plot. These aren’t supernatural kids or magical kids, just kids – toddlers really – that have a sickness that makes them violent. I can accept that much, but if you’ve ever been at a kid’s birthday party with 27 of the little buggers around you know exactly how annoying they are, but also how ineffectual. EVERY PARTY has the one Dad or cool uncle that is the target for many kids at once. They wrestle and chase the guy (it’s always a guy for some reason) yapping incessantly all the while. It is fun for a while but grows annoying, but aside from a bump on the head of a kid or a slip and fall the worst thing that happens is the awkward and unexpected blow to the nuts.
4 and 5 year old kids aren’t strong or menacing if you’re a fully functional adult. I could care less if you give one a knife, they might cut you or whatever – ouch – but that’s it. A kid doesn’t have the capacity to drive a knife into an adult, and two ro three couldn’t overpower any normal adult – repeat under 5.
On the flipside though if you don’t like kids this one is for you – some of those kids get FUCKED UP.
And in case you’re wondering the reasonably hot teen doesn’t get ‘em out even though the plots briefly hints at the possibility for a moment.
Or perhaps that was just me hoping.
Final Rating – 6 / 10. There are still many reasons to be afraid of kids under 6, this film doesn’t show any real ones.
