“My what… a… beautiful… Baby?”
Immediately after Splice finished I sat for a second and pondered what I had watched. In the end I thought what I might say if the following exchange happened:
- Random Guy – “You seen Splice?”
- Me – “Yep”
- Random Guy – “Any good?”
- Me – “…”
The short answer is not really.
The slightly longer answer is someone saw Species a few too many times and decided to make almost exactly the same movie, only from the scientist’s point of view, and instead of a cast featuring TV rejects and Henstridge’s chest-puppies they cast respected actors Sarah Polley and Adrian Brody. For some reason people took this movie more seriously and gave it far more credit than they should – And that’s only the slightly longer version!
The longer version goes like this…
After some decidedly cheap and tacky looking credits we witness the “birth” of some form of baby, a baby that apparently sees very well and views things through a fish-eye lens, a baby apparently with a massive eye which pulses for some reason. When we see the baby it is in fact eyeless (at least according to my non fish-eyes) and looks like a giant tongue about the size of a loaf of bread, pink and fleshy with no arms or legs. So that first part made no sense at all – get used to it. The baby is not the first of it’s kind and was genetically engineered through the splicing of genes, it is a genetic and massive scientific breakthrough, as the creature’s DNA makeup provides clues as to potential cures for various diseases.
The lead scientists responsible for the breakthrough are Clive (Adrian Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley), who are also a couple. They realise that by splicing human DNA even greater results are possible, so they take their news to the bigwigs in Head Office; and instead of respect and congratulations they are told to shelve the research and go in another direction as apparently society isn’t ready for such news – or you could read into it that curing diseases is bad for business if you are in the business of selling treatments for such.
Now Clive and Else are not your average scientists, they are hip and funky and listen to music, they high five in convoluted ways and eat tic-tacs… wa-hey indeed. They work for a company named N.E.R.D: Oh I just can’t stop these chuckles from escaping!
They decide to Rage against the Machine and continue the research on the sly.
They try and fail several times before changing a CD and having almost immediate success, at this stage they ponder the “ifs”, if we do this what happens, if we make this public what happens. They ultimately decide to let the experiment run a while and agree to can it if it gets too intense.
Clones Away!!!
The new foetus/embryo/whatever gestates at a remarkable rate and seemingly within days is ready to hatch/be born/whatever from its cocoon/nest/womb/whatever, given that the “whatevers” could add up to almost anything there is some genuine anticipation as to what the thing will actually look like. (“I don’t care, as long as he doesn’t have Clive’s nose!”) So when the “baby” finally arrives and looks just like a giant testicle, it’s fair to say I was a little let down. Thankfully shortly after Elsa realises that the big nut was merely a pod that held the actual creature, that when seen looks like a weird plucked chicken – only with the face of a seal.
It is evident that Elsa is now having feelings that are far more maternal, though unfortunately Clive gets very cold feet and decides that they must end this right now… and I mean “end” in the most final of ways for little Shamu. Elsa explains that the splicing process has actually accelerated the growth and development of the creature that it will only last a short while anyway – “so let’s keep it”, Clive begrudgingly agrees.
So not only do they keep it, they name the little fucker Dren, who as she ages becomes more and more human in appearance, which is why I can say “She” with a degree of confidence, I told you they’d watched Species, and probably even the two lousy sequels!
Elsa becomes more and more attached to Dren as she learns and develops at an astonishing rate, Clive even takes more of an active interest after he sorta tries to drown her at one point – which for some reason Elsa doesn’t bother thinking about too much, and it is only when Clive’s brother and fellow scientist Kevin encounters Dren for himself that they must think of more permanent lodgings. Complicating matters even more is the fact that both Else and Clive are less focussed on their “real” work on phase 2 of the project, which has lead to a slippage in output and greater scrutiny from the brains at headquarters, they inform Clive that with a big presentation due for potential investors a big show is required to maintain funding.
*******************************************************
I think we can join the dots a little from here.
She’s alls growns up now!
As Dren evolves and grows before their very eyes it becomes evident that Clive and Elsa may not be able to control her, she has a tail with a poison-dealing tip, can basically jump over buildings and is able to breathe underwater, as well as being freakishly strong, but mentally she seems quite young, perhaps around a toddler’s age. So Clive and Else treat her as such, scolding her when required and setting clear boundaries, only this toddler is capable of almost anything and can kill you with her tail…
With the changes to the labs meaning Dren is not safe there they take her to Elsa’s run-down farm (that must be) nearby, here Dren can have a little more freedom and room to move, only she moves up into the terrible two’s stage and on occasion decides to ignore her “parents” and do whatever the hell she wants to do, this leads to the inevitable new parent dilemma of how exactly deal with a grumpy toddler with superhuman abilities and killing power!
(Given that there is no TV in the barn Elsa spends time trying to teach Dren some kindy-level stuff using letter-blocks and basic educational tests, so when Dren spells out TEDIOUS and then moves those same letters around to spell OUTSIDE to prove it was no fluke I was lead to wonder exactly who taught her that? Even Dora the Explorer would be hard pressed to teach that to a toddler equivalent, and Dora has taught my 3 year old to count to 10 in Spanish!)
Clive and Elsa deal with the ever-growing Dren in extremely different ways, this leads to complications (to say the least) and consequences. It would be accurate to say that at times it is a little hard to predict what happens next, but I would then argue that this is because there is a startling lack of consistency in the behaviour or Clive and Elsa, at times the “good cop – bad cop” routine goes askew, one moment X is unhappy and Y supportive, the next minute the roles are reversed. Confusing and clumsy.
Also Dren’s fave parent changes depending on the circumstances, this is easier to understand if you support the theory that she is equivalent to a toddler, they change their tune 53 times a day every day.
The finale devolves into one similar to so many other B movies, almost like they felt “well that’s 85 minutes, let’s wrap all this up quick”, and if the ending was supposed to be a twist it was the most obvious in history.
All in all this was a more serious affair than Species, less laughs, more moral dilemmas and surprisingly less consistency in tone. There is nudity in both but clinically speaking as a male Species offers way more reward in that department.
As a disclosure: I really wanted to like Splice, I wanted this to be the hidden gem that I could spruik to my friends like it was my little secret. The preview looked promising and the conept lends itself to great creativity – so all this is a huge letdown for me.
Final Rating – 6 / 10. All in all I must say watching Splice makes me wanna watch Species again…
…Splice? Not so much.
