Cool As Ice (Review)

Fly gear like this will NEVER go out of style, Yo!

I have over 5,000 carefully selected and quality screened songs on my ipod.

One of them is Ice, Ice Baby. What can I say, I was 16 when it was released, and it was/and is a good song.

So when my wife suggested that when she was a kid she not only watched the Vanilla Ice film but “loved it” I thought what the hell, I’ll suffer for my art!

Now rather than write a review about a 20 year old shit film masquerading as a vanity piece for the poster boy of the misguided fashion generation, I thought I’d have a running diary of the events onscreen and my thoughts as they happen.

Now you can suffer along with me.

1^st minute – Credits roll, the first 20 seconds of a shitty music video start with a C & C Music Factory rip off track playing…

I am sad.

I look left and my wife is beaming.

I am even sadder.

2^nd minute – Vanilla is lettin’ it rip. One thing I will say here, he was never the worst rapper. There. I said it.

There is some funky-looking yet hopelessly outdated dancing moves (granted, it is 20 years on), but the first 4 minutes are basically nothing more than a standard early 90s music video.

5^th minute – I am almost embarrassed to admit that the first song, Cold as Ice wasn’t that bad. (In retrospect I should have stopped there, the highlight has already passed.)

6^th minute – Vanilla’s outfit; bright orange jacket, rainbow hammer-pants, 1 red shoe, 1 black. His name = Johnny.

Even my wife is rethinking her life by this point.

7^th minute – Vanilla “cough”, Johnny jumps a fence on his motorbike and spooks a horse, leading to an awkward scene between Johnny and the good girl rider.

8^th minute – Bad acting, worse dialogue.

9^th minute – First (of many) examples that white people jus’ don’t understand us kids!

14^th minute – The horse rider chickie, (named Kathy), is wit’ a Square yo! Johnny represents. The Square sez “Don’t be sweatin’ my fly-girl biatch”, only he sez it whitebread. Johnny? He jus’ coolin’, his time will come.

Aaaaaaaawwwwww,  yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

18^th minute – Family Ties Daddy, Burt Gummer from Tremors himself is Kathy’s Dad! Hope he got well paid.

22^nd minute – Someone says “Oh Y’all think this is funny?” HELL NO!

25^th minute – Oh Man. Now Kathy’s white parents don’ understand us kids.

28^th minute – I don’t believe it homey! Now Kathy’s white college friends don’ understand Johnny and his buddies!

29^th minute – Johnny wears sunglasses inside. He must be dangerous.

30^th minute – Sunglasses justified. Johnny rocks the mic at the social. Everyone in the room comes around within 3 minutes… except the Square. Suggestive hip thrusts for all!

38^th minute – Johnny knocks out 4 baseball bat wielding guys with his bare hands.

40^th minute – Kathy, I mean Katt (Hey Vanilla said) wakes to find Johnny in her bed with her. Breaking and entering obviously turns her on.

45^th minute – (The filmmakers realized they had a 60 minute film on their hands.) Hey, let’s have a ten minute series of montages!

Cue the couple on motorbike riding around with a Technotronic rip-off backing song.

47^th minute – OK, cue the impromptu dance and chase through the half constructed house number. (This was the cheesiest and shittiest part of the film so far… by far.)

50^th minute – OK, they’ve been together for 4 minutes now. Start the falling in love montage.

53^rd minute – What Katt’s Dad still doesn’t understand? He tells Johnny to step off, and doesn’t just mean the porch. (Phew I am sooo funny!)

54^th minute – Will old white people talking and dancing hip-hop ever get old?

54th and 1/4 minute – Yes. Yes it did.

56^th minute – Katt’s Dad has a dark and pointless secret.

61^st minute – “Now no-one understands me. I’m gonna go ride my bike for a while.”

65^th minute – Nothing worthwhile has happened. This was the point where I realized everyone involved in Cool as Ice has now had a full 2o years to regret this.

67^th minute – They’ve taken Katt’s little brother!

68^th minute – You’re better off without him/her. Now we’re both sad.

77^th minute – Detective Ice!

79^th minute – Enforcer Ice!

83^rd minute – Everybody’s happy. At least everyone understands Johnny and loves him!

I can’t believe I managed to last 20 years without watching that crap, and now I decide to put myself through it!

Cool as Ice is a 4 minute music video stretched to an excruciating 90 minutes.

Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. If you must ignore my warnings, stop the film after the first 5 minutes, it’s all downhill from there. (Even though it starts low in the first place!)