Poseidon (Review)

Nah too easy...

Nah too easy…

One of the only sensible reasons given to justify remaking a film from the 70s or 80s is the amazing advances made with computer generated imagery. Put simply it is now a hell of a lot easier to make large scale events and action look real, without the need for scale models or prohibitively expensive sets.

What is inexcusable though is cheaping out on the effects, and then expecting those same half arsed efforts to sell your film…

It is New Year’s Eve, and coincidentally the maiden voyage of the world’s newest luxury liner, the Poseidon, named after the God of the Sea. And apparently bad movies.

Thousands of the well heeled and the well connected have found their way aboard and are enjoying the well appointed surroundings and no expenses spared entertainment. Although given Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is the centrepiece of the cabaret, it’s probably fair to say that they cut a few significant corners.

Don’t worry. She’ll be dead very soon. Sensing his opportunity to kill Fergie (my guess only) God sends an incredible – and incredibly random – tidal wave to bring balance to the universe. This wave appears from nowhere and just as rapidly vanishes, but it does manage to upend the vast vessel.

The death toll is huge. Those that don’t die in the initial chaos are immediately caught up in a wave of hysteria. The Captain and his senior group implore everyone to stay calm and remain in the ball room. Or at least on what was until a minute ago the ceiling of the ballroom. His rationale being that it seems airtight thus far and therefore the safest place to stay until help arrives. The Captain empathises with those that worry about family members and friends elsewhere on the ship, but explains that he is simply following the book and acting in the best interest of the majority.

Regardless, a few ignore these orders and head off in dribs and drabs in search of their loved ones and/or an exit. And within minutes they realise that obeying the powers that be isn’t always the best way to go.

If Poseidon taught me anything – and it didn’t – it’s that you won’t believe how much stuff can explode for almost no reason in a large ship where you would think safety is paramount. It also taught me that those responsible for this film watched Titanic a few times, given that for the second hour every scene seems to be wrestling with a handle or trying to find a way out as the water rises and threatens to drown them all.

Given that I watched the film a week or so ago, it is troubling that I can’t remember much about the cast aside from the fact that most of them were recognisable to some degree. No-one grabbed the film by the balls and made it their own, and no-one did or said anything memorable enough that I could recall it only days later. Like Poseidon itself, all recollection of this film sank without trace.

That’s no to say Poseidon is horrible. Despite its Fergie-infested beginnings and the straight up laughable scenes in the moments following the initial capsizing, the second half gradually builds momentum and tension. This almost drags the film back to mediocrity. Repeat; almost.

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. If a ship sinks in the ocean, and the resulting film is this mediocre, should anyone care?

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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