White Men Can’t Jump (Review)

Odd choice of shirt Billy…

I never really loved White Men Can’t Jump, I only mistakenly thought I did at one point in my youth. Have I ever mentioned that I purchased a Michael Bolton tape? Within 15 minutes of watching this film for the first time in well over a decade I remembered with startling clarity ‘Oh that’s right. This film is quite mediocre’.

Unfortunately as a basketball devotee I incorrectly granted this film the responsibility of being the ‘great’ basketball movie, despite the fact the sport does not have one. I mean why not? Baseball has one (Major League), NFL has some contenders, even soccer has Escape to Victory – and I could care less about all of those sports.

Basketball I love. So it’s a shame that the two things any casual viewer will take away from this film is that basketball is the home of shameless showboaters who trash-talk till their gums (and our ears) get sore, and that Rosie Perez had some large and unruly breasticles.

Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson) arrives fresh off the bus and immediately heads to the local outdoor basketball courts – thankfully this film preceded the streetball revolution, else we would have far more product placement and an annoying guy screaming himself hoarse repetitively on a microphone.

Hoyle stands out like… well a white hayseed at an outdoor basketball court. After the pick up game between two groups of yappy black guys takes an opportunistic turn, Billy is called upon as a sub… for some reason.

In the five minutes that follow Billy proves to one and all, but mainly Sidney Dean (Wesley Snipes) that he is not merely there to show off his lurid boardshorts. The boy can play.

He takes Sidney’s money not once, but twice, (for a grand total of $62) then returns to share his spoils with his loud girlfriend Gloria (Rosie Perez). We learn that Billy is hustling to repay some especially unsavoury guys who were displeased when Billy’s pride prevented him from throwing a fixed game, forcing them to transfer their losses to Billy. We also learn that Gloria wants to appear on the TV game show Jeopardy.

But while we are learning, Sidney Dean is thinking. Sidney arrives to propose an alliance, an Ebony and Ivory hustle designed to extract money from all those who are willing to accept the ‘white guys can’t play basketball’ stereotype. Billy and Sidney team up for a series – well two – 2 on 2 street games for high stakes, using the technique of having Sidney tease and taunt that he could beat the other two guys when teamed with ‘absolutely anyone’… and then Billy’s huge hayseed head hoves into view.

The primary conceit of the film is that black and white are different. Different you say? Gosh.

Sidney teases Billy for his lack of flavour, style and street cred, Billy retorts with claims that Sidney would rather look good than win. Meanwhile Billy’s stubbornness and stupidity can’t stop him from taking on any bet regardless of how unlikely it is, leading to more than a few arguments with the fiery yet devoted Gloria, and still more trash-talking.

And this is where the film has dated horribly. I can’t imagine that the trash talk on display here was ever amusing, from the ‘your Momma is so…’ stuff through to the various put-downs aimed at either firing up or dropping the head of another player. I have played low level basketball for years, and each week I hear more creative and flat out funnier trash talk from random guys than the stuff that appears here.

The ‘we’re going to Sizzler’ song and dance might’ve worked 20 some years ago, now it is pathetic. Ditto for Sidney’s cyclist get up and Billy’s Beach Boys via Pearl Jam ensemble.

The basketball scenes are momentarily entertaining but contrived, with the ‘defenders’ almost pausing to tie their shoe in some sequences to allow their opponent a lane or some space. There is no doubt that those involved ‘had game’ to paraphrase the title of another deeply flawed basketball movie, but if you allow any four mildly co-ordinated guys enough time to run around you can probably edit together a few sequences that made them look like LeBron James – they have been making Tom Cruise look like he is only a partially reprehensible human being for decades.

White Men Can’t Jump has dated badly, while it is not quite an airball it’s far from a slam dunk. In another decade all I will remember is that trashtalking ain’t easy, and Rosie’s puppies must hang extra low nowadays…

Final Rating – 6 / 10. White Men Can Jump. They just don’t get very high… neither does this film.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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