Lesbian Vampire Killers (Review)

There are many posters for this film. I chose this one.

There are many posters for this film. I chose this one.

I’ll leave all the “for a vampire movie this sure does suck” jokes to the pros.

When you name your movie “Lesbian Vampire Killers” the only thing you can be certain of is that you have a 1% chance of being a classic. At best you will have an amusing and (hate the word) quirky 80 minutes, at worst you will have yet another shitty movie, only with a snappy title.

I’ll get my obvious whinge out early, the movie revolves around a skinny guy who has a dysfunctional relationship with his on/off girlfriend, and his fat useless mate, who in this case has just been sacked.

Remind you of anything? It is exactly the same set up for Shaun of the Dead, only that was done far better and exceeded any and all expectations. Also both flicks are British so it is impossible that they weren’t aware of SotD, surely switching up the formula just a little?

For what it’s worth the story goes the town of Cragwich is subject to an ancient vampiric curse which turns every girl in the village into a lesbian vampire when they turn 18, if your town must be cursed you could do worse as a bloke.

Sure enough Jimmy (skinny – recently dumped) and Fletch (fat – recently sacked) decide to randomly visit the town to get away from it all. Once they get to the town they visit the local bar and are directed down to an empty cabin down the road, as they hear there are some hot chicks also on the way they decide not to look a gift horse in the mouth and get moving.

Sure enough they hook up with the four hot Folklore students, who for some reason take a shine to a fat idiot and a skinny nerdish looking fellow, and they are just getting somewhere when they are beset on all sides by…. drum roll please…. Lesbian Vampires.

Here’s where it gets silly(er), it turns out that there is a prophecy of course, which involves a sword, virgin blood, Jimmy being “the one”, and the Queen vampire called Carmella being raised from the dead, and so on and so forth. It’s all quite irrelevant really, the movie is all SotD, From Dusk till Dawn with dashes of Army of Darkness and some stoogery in between.

At least the cast know it ain’t Shakespeare and treat the material as such, all the while vampires explode into massive streams of pasty goo and Fletch tries every joke in the book (and mostly fails). The vampires are all suitably hot, with strategically placed billowy outfits or shadows 90% of the time, it’s a bit like watching scrambled porn (I would imagine).

The finale is just silly, vampires swaying and pretending that they are being warded off or fearsome depending on what is being waved at them, and the good guys trying to act humorous and at least sorta scared.

If you’re a guy, and the title suggests anything to you aside from instant derision, you’re gonna watch this at some point, which when you think of it is a spark of genius by the film-makers. You already know without checking any reviews that the forecast calls for largely terrible with a chance of boobie, and really for most guys that should be enough.

I’ve now obviously seen it and written about it, and I guarantee I’d be hard pressed in a week or so to tell you anything about this movie than what is largely different from the title, it’s a throwaway movie but as such does it’s job well.

The one thing I could do without was the persistent vaguely homophobic jokes along the lines of “I’m worried I’ll get bummed”, I lost count at about 6 attempts at such “comedy” through the pic. I don’t even particularly care about the jokes, they are more stupid than offensive, it’s just lazy on the writer’s part to even think for a second that they were laugh out loud funny, (and if they are I missed the point entirely).

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. It’s shlocky, tacky and mostly terrible, but at 75 minutes it’s over quick. Better with friends present so you can at least share in the B-movie bad/goodness.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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