Lara Croft is born of privilege. Lara Croft sends the boys crazy. And I know why. (And it isn’t JUST because she has a great rack.)
Lara is rich, not NBA player rich, NBA TEAM OWNER rich. The kind of money that guys envy and mediocre rappers pretend they have. She lives in a huge stately home that most can only dream of and rides, drives and plays with all the expensive toys that you can’t afford.
But Paris Hilton does all that, and all but the most horny and desperate of guys (99.76% of us by my calcs) have long since written her off.
What ultimately sends the boys nuts is all of the above PLUS this; Lara Croft has adventures, adventures that your average gamer would be too scared to even read about, that put her in peril and force split second decisions or risk death by indecision. These decisions are backed by actions and skills honed by years of training (and a bra so well filled that it would make a porn star blush).
OK so Lara Croft also looks pretty spiffy in tight shorts and a tank top. These might also be contributing factors.
Lara Croft is Indiana Jones with tits… and crappier action. But from the looks of things this is apparently a trade off many are willing to make. At least while Angelina Jolie was in the role.
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Your stereotypical gaming devotee probably didn’t get through the opening minutes of Tomb Raider.
Not without a nap in between.
These establishing scenes highlight the fact that Ms Croft favours tight, tight, TIGHT shorts and figure hugging tops by utilising a myriad of pervy, almost gynaecological, angles that gratuitously focus on both (at one point Croft re-holsters her weapons with a lingering close up of her shorts’ zipper).
And with her work done, Croft decides she needs a nice hot shower…
Living in her long since missing Father’s stately manor with two other guys, butler Hillary (Chris Barrie) and techie expert and gadget nerd Bryce (Noah Taylor), Croft uses the estate as a home base in between expeditions and explorations.
After finding a hidden gadget in the mansion which proves the key to a once in 5,000 years events when all nine planets align (amazing that even the ancients mistakenly included Pluto as a planet – even before it was discovered…) Croft becomes intrigued as to what her discovery might provide access to.
She needn’t wait long, as her American archaeological rival Alex (Daniel Craig) and a letter from her old man help fill in the gaps. The ‘key’ gives access to one of two ancient artefacts, with the holder of both at the appropriate time having the choice between powers of absolute good – or absolute evil. Seems silly not to give any choices in between, but there you go.
Of course with Croft possessing such an item, it isn’t long before others who would like absolute power make their presence known, and the chase is on for the two pieces, with the action taking place across several countries that Angelina Jolie has bought kids from.
Tomb Raider is a work by salivating teens for salivating teens. Lara Croft wears tiny shorts and tank tops around the house, pyjamas fastened by only one button at night, and even in freezing arctic areas the one prevailing rule seems to be Lara Croft’s jackets must NEVER be buttoned.
Even in the final climactic scene that seems to take place on a giant Wipeout obstacle course, Croft manages to slo-mo run away from danger in an eye-opening few seconds that I guarantee has been immortalised in GIF form by millions of nerds worldwide.
Jolie’s acting limitations are as obvious as the lips on her face or the padding in her bra. The 90s video games made Croft out to be a spunky yet analytical problem solver, director Simon West makes her the hot chick trapped in a cinematic pen, waiting to be turned upside down so that the clothes magically dissolve. And at no point did I get the impression that Ms Jolie was resistant to this idea, in fact the smug smile that appears in practically every action scene might as well be saying to the audience “look on guys, you ain’t havin’ any of this”.
The action sequences are all reasonable enough, the CGI impressive for an early 2000s film, it’s just that it’s all so clinical and calculated that it lacks any urgency or adrenalin. Of course this could be because all of the energy and brain cells are directed elsewhere while Jolie is onscreen…
Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. The finished product is reminiscent in tone to The Mummy trilogy, but with Jolie in the lead this is far more ‘Oh Mama!’ than The Mummy.
Tomb Raider 2: The Cradle of Life
Once again this film chose to shoot its proverbial bolt in the opening sequence, with Lara Croft arriving on a jet ski wearing a skimpy black bikini (smart), before re-emerging minutes later in the form hugging silver piece of awesome that you see on the poster above (smarter)… with the ‘lil Lara’s struggling proudly against the fabric (check mate).
This image was also burned into millions of male retinas in the trailer that preceded the film. While it may have seemed strange to give away the ‘go to’ image in trailers and marketing, the fact is that for most guys the sight of the silver wetsuit had their mind setting aside enough money for a ticket to the film, even if it meant their family wasn’t eating that week.
Back to the *cough* plot. Lara and a couple of colleagues have discovered a submerged temple which may be one of the discoveries of all time. Unfortunately within minutes of finding the site and certain treasures within, Lara and her team are ambushed and the ‘find’ poached, with only Lara escaping with her life.
As with the first film the find was a key of sorts, this time to Pandora’s box a.k.a. the ‘Cradle of Life’ (can’t any treasure just be treasure any more?).
With the key to what may be the most important archaeological discovery potentially now in the hands of an evil scientist, Lara finally admits that she needs help.
Enter Terry Sheridan (Gerard Butler), Lara’s roguish ex and himself a bit of a loose cannon. Unfortunately for Lara Terry represents the only chance that she has.
If all of this sounds familiar it’s because it really is. Sadly so.
People die in this one, and more than a few. As the film moves from England to China and ultimately Africa the focus moves away from adventure and settles comfortably in the action genre, and unfortunately not very good action. The most likely reason for this is that the director Jan De Bont is responsible for both Speed and Speed 2, neither likely to be confused with Die Hard anytime soon.
Where the original film at least adhered to the adventuring spirit that made the games famous, this film is a distinct departure in both tone and genre. Where the first was Indiana Jones with tits, ‘Cradle of Life’ is far more like Mission Impossible or Bond. OK still with tits…
There are still other signs that this was to be the swansong for the series. The inclusion of Gerard Butler was unnecessary and a sign that the franchise was already running on fumes in only its second outing, Hillary and Bryce return to round out the team, but seem all so very tacked on if only to prove that they were still available.
Final Rating – 6 / 10. Frankly unless they were able to give Angelina Jolie a ‘Halle Berry in Swordfish offer she couldn’t refuse’ this series was toast.
Only nudity could have saved it from the scrap heap. That didn’t happen. Instead we got Salt, and a million nerds cried all over their laptops. One handed.
Duology Rating – 6 / 10. When the two best moments in four Tomb Raider hours are neatly encapsulated in the two posters used to market the film it is fair to say that this is a franchise where the beauty is only skin deep.
With Angelina Jolie having long since left her ‘hot zone’ to embrace being the barely living skeletal frame that Brad Pitt hangs around with there is zero chance that the world’s most famous lips will ever again be delivering lame dialogue in a terrible British accent.
However even without the World’s most famous coathanger Lara Croft can still endure. After all, you can team almost anything with the phrase ‘the world’s hottest actress’ and have it greenlit. That is only amplified when the next descriptor involves action or adventure, therefore I can see a future reboot being successful if it has the right ‘pair’ sign on the dotted line.
Edit: No sooner did I write that then I saw a reboot is indeed afoot on imdb. My votes for the new and improved Lara Croft would be Jennifer Lawrence, though if Hunger Games is keeping her amused Hayley Atwell from Captain America can’t be a bad Plan B either.
I can’t wait to see the poster. And to a lesser extent the film.
OGR
