Slither

Posted on August 24, 2010 by OGR

Comedy doesn’t have to be all “why did the chicken…” or “my gosh I can’t believe Jason Biggs just drank that!” all the time. Sometimes it can be the compounded effect of a series of elements and incidents so absurd that you can’t help but laugh… If done well that is.

Infestation recently made a valiant attempt at eliciting yuks from the “yuck”, poorer efforts include Trailer Park of Terror, Doghouse, Lesbian Vampire Killers and Dead Sno. It seems that lately there are almost as many comedy/horror combos than there are straight horror flicks.

But when we are talking “All-Time” stuff we really need to narrow our scope down to the following:

  • -         Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn.
  • -         Army of Darkness: Evil Dead 3
  • -         Shaun of the Dead.
  • -         Tremors

(And I’ll allow “An American Werewolf in London” for some retro flava.)

One notch down from these (and alongside Planet Terror), is Slither, an excellent addition to the genre and a film that I can (and have) watch again and again.

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A good old fashioned space rock lands in the outskirts of a quiet rural (read redneck) town, bringing with it the seed of an otherworldy being… that’ll be more important later, much more important.

Let’s take a little step back, Slither has many main characters running all over the shop, each of them played by real character actors who actually look like real people and not movie stars or career extras. But the film has the common sense to basically stick to 4 main characters, and one of those is dragged into the action half way through.

Bill Pardy (Nathan Fillion) is the Sherriff of the sleep town, a young man who has progressed rapidly, perhaps due to the ineptness and unreadiness of those under his command who we meet through the film. Bill holds a rather large candle for…

Starla (Elizabeth Banks), whom he grew up with. Starla is a beautiful young teacher who grew up poor and apparently latched on to the first wealthy guy she met, who happens to be…

Grant Grant (yes X2), played by Michael Rooker. We never work out what he is supposed to do but he is an independently man who is a little perturbed by the lack of reciprocity from his trophy wife at his repeated advances. Put more simply the bedroom side of the marriage has lost… momentum.

One such refusal sets Grant Grant (GG from here) off into the night in search of alcohol fuelled relief, when more tangible “relief” arrives in the form of a young bar slut woman, and in a backwoods stumble he and the skank come across our buddy the space rock from the first paragraph. As another crappy film I watched recently said “I love it when a script comes together”, or something similar. The rock held a cow tongue sized wormy looking thing that promptly leaps somehow and affixes itself to GG’s chest and embeds itself in its new “host”.

To this point the film was frequently funny and had already introduced likeable characters spouting snappy and often quotable dialogue. From here on in the absurdity factor kicks in, and Slither is basically equally hilarious and awe-inspiring from here on in.

GG seems a little “off” after his late night trip to the woods.

"Doc I feel a little... "off".

Upon his return to his marital home he becomes quite secretive, going as far as creating some sort of den in the newly locked basement. He also begins to crave meat, nothing wrong with that of course, but suffice to say he isn’t too discerning about the source.

After the annual opening of the Deer hunting Season where Bill and Starla have a brief chat that proves both are aware of the urges, but that such a union is impossible, Starla heads home where she finds GG nowhere to be seen..

All the while GG and the creature had been battling for control of GG’s body, and it appears that GG lost. What follows is one of the weirder “love” scenes in cinematic history since Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone got it on over a decade ago. When GG heads home and finds that Starla has lost the desire for his “chest tubes” (yeah I said it and you read it) the GG creature goes on the lam.

"Me so tubey!"

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Confused as to what might cause a grown man to spout tentacles and eat stray dogs Bill and the police force set up a sting to find and catch him, as word arrives that GG is preying on local livestock. Starla tags along, as does the local foul mouthed sleazy mayor, (who provides further comic relief along the way, mainly through his disbelief and reactions).

The hunt leads the crew to a barn in the middle of nowhere, the barn houses GG’s “special lady”, who is swollen and ready to “drop”. When she does almost on cue all shit breaks loose. GG’s “babies” start possessing any and all locals, human or otherwise, including very nearly a young girl named Kylie, who informs all and sundry that all worms and their hosts are controlled by one superbeing from another planet, and that they are all working towards one goal. (The goal is similar to that of Genghis Khan some time back, and all he only wanted to control was the entire world.)

It took 63 years to lose the baby-weight...

So the remainder of the film has Bill, Starla and Kylie trying to decide whether to escape or fight, all this changes once Starla is taken…

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The film is hilarious even before the insane makeup and creatures are introduced (GG’s pregnant girl needs to be seen to be believed, as does the “birth”), and only gets funnier as the film progresses. There is some effective OTT gore that is intended to disgust in a funny way, not for scares, and the finale tops everything off as Bill goes mano-a-whatever-o versus Grant Grant and his ever growing conglomeration of random flesh.

"Kish me Shtarla."

Some closing points:

  • Nathan Fillion, who I have only previously seen in Serenity (which actually was pretty good), proves he is naturally funny and likable. I want him to be cast in more films soon as a result of this.
  • Elizabeth Banks proves that she is not only hot but she’ll do anything, kinda like Eastern European models, only she does it for laughs and not a roof and porn career.
  • It was said previously but the film is chock full of small roles that due to the quality of the character actors actually add to the film, especially the Mayor.
  • And I normally hate when directors try to fill a film with supposedly “cool”, “now” or blechhh “quirky” songs, but the songs in this film are actually cool and in a few cases funny themselves.

Final Rating – 8.5 / 10. In case you can’t tell I love Slither. Gross out comedies are mostly flawed and lazy, Slither shows what can happen when funny meets well thought out and carefully plotted gross. More of this please!

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Undercover Brother

Posted on August 23, 2010 by OGR

Too funky for myself!

In the same “dumb but harmless” vein of the SNL films (Roxbury, Ladies Man etc) comes a film based upon an online cartoon… and if that fact alone don’t get the blood pumping nothing will.

Like The Ladies Man if the first two minutes of Undercover Brother don’t elicit a grin then it’s a pretty grim 80 minutes ahead, as it’s largely the same from there.

Black fuzzy balls not pictured.

Undercover Brother himself (Eddie Griffin) is a 70s throwback, kung-fu film watchin’, funk listenin’, jive talkin’ chicken eatin’, black chick bonin’, caddie drivin’ orange soda luvin’ Brother who doesn’t seem to grasp the basics of a new millennium. A disco throwback with an insatiable thirst for justice and fairness to all things pro-black. He is also funny as shit. If you get this far in the film and don’t like him press eject cause it only gets worse.

Apparently Black culture is in grave danger of being homogenised by “The (white) Man”. This is apparently a tragedy as it will cost an entire culture its identity and basically its coolness. I wonder if they will still be allowed to do porn or play in the NBA?

Enter the BROTHERHOOD, which stands for something I can’t remember but is probably vaguely clever and totally unnecessary. A group of predominantly (see further down) black staff who seek to thwart The Man’s efforts and preserve the black experience for generations to come. The BROTHERHOOD are staffed by total stereotypes, but at least they acknowledge as much in the naming of most characters…

  • The Chief
  • Smart Brother.
  • Conspiracy Brother
  • Sistah-Girl…

And Lance, the token affirmative action white guy played by Neil Patrick Harris. (Who would have thought that 2 of the better comedies with a predominantly non-white cast would have featured Doogie himself?) For some reason this cracks me up even though it also panders to every sarcastic stereotype of white guys going around. (Can’t dance, not cool, tone deaf etc.)

Our plot revolves around The Man trying to spread a “white-washing” drug through the black community using fried chicken laced with a mind altering drug, and fronted by a formerly admired black General with aspirations to politics who has apparently “sold out”, but is really himself under the influence of the drug and powerless to resist.

The BROTHERHOOD conscript Undercover Brother to help stop The Man’s plan, but first he must go through white-thinking training. Needless to say the montage shown before him has some of the more embarrassing atrocities ever committed by the white race. He must also learn to cope with mayonnaise, which we apparently all love for some reason.

Sent into the heart of The Man’s operations, UB must blend in by removing any trace of cool or blackness. The Man counters by unleashing White She-Devil (Denise Richards) as UB’s ultimate temptation and foe.

Once under her spell UB becomes temporarily lost to the BROTHERHOOD, and it is up to Sistah-Girl to go and save him. A catfight between She-Devil and Sistah-Girl in front of Undercover Brother and a couple of white henchmen remains a hilarious highlight as it gets more and more ludicrous, culminating in the both half dressed and slurping it up in the shower.

I laughed a lot in this film. I watched Harold and Kumar, both Wayne’s Worlds, The Ladies Man and this in the same week (they’re all only 80 minutes long) and this was by far the funniest and offered the most frequent laughs.

There are jokes about having a black President which show that they couldn’t see into the future, a great slo-mo car chase featuring golf buggies and enough good natured “Oh well black people do this and white people do that” jokes that made me wish you could get away with more political incorrectness when it comes to race these days. (But you can’t.) On top of this Conspiracy Brother is played by Dave Chappelle before he became mega-famous for Chappelle’s Show and he provides many bonus laughs.

The finale moves from a James Brown concert and ends at The Man’s island lair, where UB and The Man’s 2IC Mr Feather have the final showdown and Lance finally unleashes his fury. (Mr Feather (Chris Kattan) is a 50/50 proposition, half funny and half cringeworthy, mostly due to his attempts to speak “black” for comedy’s sake.)

Of course being a movie with a 70s throwback as the main attraction the music is funk-tastic and includes some of the better known hits from that decade, as well as nifty background tunes.

The whole thing seemed to set up a sequel that never came, which is a shame, because aside from a few clumsy missteps Undercover Brother is without doubt the most chuckle-worthy of the comedies I have seen thus far.

Final Rating – 8 / 10. The only drawback of Undercover Brother is the absence of one “huge laugh”. There are dozens of funny bits and chuckles galore but no eye-watering, cheek hurter.

That aside this is still very good stuff and underrated. Maybe the White Man is keeping a Brother down after all!

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The Expendables

Posted on August 22, 2010 by OGR

Most of these guys couldn't even say "expendables".

Welcome to #613 in a series of films where Sly Stallone puts holes in people who speak English with a crazy accent.

The Expendables features a large number of tough guys with bicep measurements bigger than their IQs and has a higher body count than syllable count.

The good guys are always quicker on the draw, never miss, don’t bleed and are ever-ready with a dopey quip, there are lots of BIG explosions, hundreds of faceless baddies die and no-one runs  out of bullets.

There’s even a damsel in a tower in need of saving. The best kind too, the one with big tits.

It is safe, predictable, formulaic, and just like your old scuffed slippers very comforting. This is the equivalent of Sex & The City 17 or yet another lousy rom-com with Jennifer Aniston and her latest rumoured baby-daddy. You know exactly what you’re gonna get going in, so you’re either happy in advance, or on a date and dreading the inevitable 90 minutes of “hilarious” misunderstandings.

And to think in the last 10 years there has been a dearth of real straightforward “action” films, where they haven’t tried to be too clever or they attempt more widespread appeal by either toning down the violence for a more kid-friendly rating or add a comedy or romantic element for the ladies.

Well folks the ladies ain’t coming to see The Expendables, and we have Sly Stallone to thank for that.

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First up the title has precious little to do with anything in the film, it is the name of the group of mercenaries lead by Stallone. You’ve seen the poster above so we know a bunch of big guys are in this, the team captains are Sly and Eric Roberts (I’m as surprised as you.). When they decided on this game of pick up they had the following guys to choose from:

Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crewes and Jason Statham.

If someone flexes half the guys will be pushed off the poster.

This was never going to be Shakespeare. Forget the Expendables, half the team should have been called the Murtaughs, because they are definitely too old for this shit.

Couture, Austin and Lundgren can’t act, and Jet Li tries but he is about as intelligible as Sly. At least English is his second language, Sly doesn’t seem to have a first. But in a movie like this every guy could just say “Uggghhhh” a lot – and some do – and it would be just as good.

A sample of the dialogue that I could actually understand:

Bad Guy - “Who sent you?”

Good Guy – “Your hairdresser.”

Keep in mind that was a torture scene; witty, funny stuff!

The Expendables are the good guys, Sly has been progressively getting a tattoo across his back with the team’s name, I’m guessing after the first year he started pondering shorter names, or altering it to Depends and seeking sponsorship opportunities for his age group.

The Expendables are mercenaries hired to take down a deadly island fortress that is used to protect a thriving drug trade. An early recon mission shows that the bad guys are suitably nasty and deserving of the many bad things that will happen to them later, and identifies a good white guy to have as the main adversary, the thought process being that foreigners are menacing enough to shoot in large numbers, but they probably can’t be important enough to be the main enemy: like M&Ms, by the handful they’re great with their various colours, but just one? Hardly.

The actual attack only occurs quite late in the film and it features 5 guys facing insurmountable odds as always and certain death…

The problem with so many characters that demand the spotlight is similar to a concert by the Black Crowes that I went to a few years ago, there were so many talented musicians worthy of recognition, which lead to solo after solo by each of them. After the 5th 12 minute solo-filled song I simply got bored. That isn’t so bad here as many guys means a lot of action, but it does mean some of the leads are marginalised or only get a short span to exhibit their talents, Jet Li for one could have sat this one out and nobody would have noticed, he is one guy that is better than the material.

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To acknowledge what everyone already knows Sly shares a 3 or 4 minute action-free scene with fellow 80s legends Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The scene is notable for nothing aside from the guys onscreen and could quite easily have been cut without anyone noticing, though it was odd that Willis spat out 6 or so F bombs in about as many lines.It’s fair to say that there are many reasons for Sly’s longevity in this business, CGI, botox and ‘roids alone added 10 years to his career. But aside from those handy helpers above all Sly knows what guys want to see onscreen, bullets, explosions and blood.

Comparing apples with apples though in Action terms Sly has few true competitors this year, A Team was watered down and Predators was the only true action film this year so far, and even that was only a quasi-sequel to an 80s flick.

But guys aren’t very smart, we’ll pay money to go to strip clubs to see what the internet provides for free. With $9 warm beer and terrible music hardly a deterrent. Grown men go to watch professional wrestlers acting in sweaty loud plays and scream along passionately. In both cases we know what we will see, it will be exactly the same as last time. We go anyway. We pay for The A Team and Predators hoping to see nothing more than a straightforward action flick and get disappointed when the filmmakers try to class things up or get too clever for themselves..

Sly knows this, he knows these guys have a few bucks even after slipping their second to last $20 in a jaded girl’s g-string. The Expendables is exactly the same as 25 other films I paid money to go and see through the 90s.

I and millions of other 15 – 45 year old guys would happily pay 4 or 5 times a year to watch the same film again. For some reason Hollywood has forgotten about this, at last count The Expendables churned through 40M in earnings in 10 days, the more expensive (and it must be said better) Scott Pilgrim has made only a quarter of that. Pilgrim was obviously a labour of love, every second carefully crafted, Sly got a bunch of beefy mates together and shot some brown people. Speaking in value for money terms I would think the winner was obvious to all but the critics.

For all my bagging of idiots like Jessica Simpson and Mariah Carey they are nonetheless millionaires and adored by legions of people with low IQs and questionable judgment. There is nothing too clever about The Expendables, it is bereft of intelligence, humour and logic.

But by simply recognising that the dumbing down process is the drawcard perhaps Stallone is the smart one after all.

Final Rating – 7 / 10. Unlike Jackie Chan Stallone never relied on his athleticism, bullets don’t get old and slow down.

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The Ref

Posted on August 21, 2010 by OGR

They're not really that small, they're behind him.

There’s no denying it…

Most of the humour in The Ref is a result of people being mean, and not just “Your Mama’s so fat” mean, but “Your Mama’s a cocksucker” mean. Had I not seen it already my first reaction to that is I am as tired of mean-spirited humour as I am of torture masquerading as horror. The fact that it is mean does not make something funny, similarly the use of torture does not necessarily make something horrific. Hostel 2 and a couple of the Saw’s proved that, and worse still they inspired a bunch of copycat sub-par clones that think the opposite is the case.

But if done with a little creativity and in the right context, calling grey haired old ladies “cock-suckers” in front of their children and young grandchildren can be funny. Hilarious even. The Ref makes no concessions to political correctness, it is witty, razor-sharp and well plotted and written… and yes mean spirited.

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It is Christmas Eve.

Gus (Denis Leary) is a small time thief, deliberately small time. He plans his heists carefully, takes what he can and lies low for a while, as he says himself he can get in and out of whatever he wants without being detected. By not aiming too high he normally stays under the radar and out of harm’s way. On this night the job was to provide enough cash to see Gus out for good and he and his practically useless alcoholic getaway man Murray would see their days out in paradise somewhere.

Only this night things went awry, Gus triggered an alarm and Murray bolted leaving Gus to fend for himself, covered in cat piss and with dogbites on his arse. In a small town the news that a crafty burglar is loose is met with instant reaction from far more quarters than simply the police.

Now the houses Gus chose to steal from were of the well to do (and apparently therefore) “important people” who know others in high places. The police chief is well meaning but ultimately powerless once the local high and mighty gain momentum.

With a full court press designed to nab Gus resulting in a curfew and door to door searches Gus is desperate for somewhere to lie low, he takes some impromptu hostages in a convenience store, Caroline and Lloyd Chasseur.

This is where the fun starts for all involved.

Lloyd and Caroline have been experiencing “marriage problems”, in short they basically hate each other and constantly bicker and argue. In betwixt their disagreements is their conniving son Jesse, himself a small time crim who dabbles in blackmailing his military school teachers.

Being Christmas Eve Jesse is due home imminently, as are Lloyd’s brother, his wife and kids… and Grandma Rose for dinner.

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Gus is unaware of what he getting himself into by selecting Lloyd and Caroline, and in the early stages he struggles to maintain control of the situation even when they are tied up. The couple constantly forget their situation such is the power of their mutual resentment, and they ceaselessly tease and snap at each other and Gus. Gus finds he is pretty much stuck for a while until Murray can find suitable transport, so a plan is hatched that will enable to the dinner to go ahead, Gus will simply play the part of the couple’s marriage counsellor.

All this sounds pretty dodgy but I can assure you it all works very well.

So Jesse arrives first and is immediately tied up and left upstairs as a bargaining chip so that Lloyd and Caroline play along and don’t disrupt proceedings. Once the rest of the family arrives it is clear that the standard of manners aren’t going to simply improve. To keep matter brief Lloyd’s brother is a downtrodden pussy, his wife is a snarky overbearing pretentious bitch, their kids are no prizes either but not too horrible, and Mother Rose…

Mother Rose deserves her own movie in a perfect world. She is unbelievable. Acting as if the world owes her a favour she is instantly grating, sarcastic, bitchy, presumptuous and scathing, and woe-betide anyone who disagrees with her or dares to criticise her or her actions. The worst thing is that she coolly and calmly spits out every poisonous thinly veiled barb with poise and confidence, like she is doing you a favour by pointing out all your failings. If a more reprehensible 70 something Grandma exists I am yet to see her.

Dinner proceeds as planned, complete with an elaborate theme and formal settings. Everyone fakes getting along for a while, just like every large family gathering, but Mother Rose fires things up and then Caroline gets a little drunk. Snippy chat soon turns to a full blown argument, which in turn then explodes into open family warfare. No stone is left unturned and no foible unmentioned as they all hoe into each other with gusto. Gus’s mood changes from bemusement to a sense of powerlessness and he gives up pretending that he is a marriage counsellor and steps aside for a while.

At the conclusion of the dinner everything possible has been aired and no opinion has been covered up or withheld, there is a lot of swearing, inappropriate comments all around and some extra special rants that have to be seen. Again swearing and trash-talk humour isn’t necessarily funny if it is clumsy or lazy, but here even though the lines are laced with venom and the characters treat each other with disdain it is all unfortunately quite believable and brilliantly delivered.

You really think Caroline and Lloyd hate each other, the sister-in-law despises them both and bullies her kids and husband, and EVERYONE detests Mother Rose but puts up with her because she ultimately is cash up and has to die sometime right?

And this is before they decide what to do with Gus. The finale seems a little unlikely but is the only mildly satisfactory resolution I guess that was available, this is after all just a comedy. But it also just a very, very good one.

Final Rating 9 / 10. Words are just words, but on this night they are very much weapons. Next Christmas dinner must have been verrrry uncomfortable.

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Salt

Posted on August 20, 2010 by OGR

"So I passed out and my dickhead mates wrote on my face..."

I don’t know if I actually wanted to watch this movie or if it was a favour to my missus, in saying that as the movie started she leaned to me and said “I’m only watching this as a favour to you.”

So exactly who the fuck wants to watch this stupid thing?

Too Late, already mortgaged the house again to buy popcorn and a large Coke.

The skinny, tattooed and non-bearded half of Brangelina is Salt, specifically Evelyn Salt. We open the film with her bloodied and bruised, lying on the floor in what we later learn is a Korean cell, she pleads with her captors “I am not a spy! I am not a spy!”

But Salt you am a liar.

After her release and back in the CIA, Salt lives in an apartment with her German husband and his pet spiders, she seems to be rocking a deskjob for the moment, her boss is a nice guy named Ted (Liev Schrieber).

It is anniversary night and she has plans to be with hubby Michael, as she leaves for the night things go off the rails a little as she is stopped at the door to assist with the interrogation of a supposed Russian defector, Salt tells Ted “I have 25 minutes”, I wish, the next scene takes almost every one of those in one of the more long-winded “OK Here is the entire plot” speeches I can remember.

The 25 second version has the Russian informing Salt in the interrogation room that there are many Russian sleeper-agents dotted across America, all with specific orders to strike at appropriate times. One of those agents is primed to strike within days at the funeral of the American Vice President in New York.

The catch? That agent, he claims: is Salt.

Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnn!

Now that should be enough to either whet your appetite or put you to sleep so I’ll leave the details there. Salt spends the next hour plus running from almost everything and everyone, people from all sides point guns at her and she gets punched, kicked, hit by cars and leaps off bridges at various points, all without a scratch.

Until that is she gets shot in the hip. Owees you might think, but then you’re not SuperSalt the secret agent, a carefully placed sanitary napkin and we’re back on the case ready to get punched kicked and to leap away again.

It probably helps matters that Salt is a master of everything, hand to hand combat, weapons use and covert operations, 45 seconds of planning is apparently enough for her to get through the most painstakingly devised barricades and security systems, 2 minutes is enough to outthink the entire US Intelligence.

I grew increasingly frustrated at the number of times the pursuers had Salt in plain sight and yet she continually got away, I muttered “Just shoot the bitch” on many occasions but no-one listened. Also, why do guards continually run around so that Salt has to keep ducking into nooks and crannies while they go past? Stand at the end of a hallway, away from manholes above, point your gun: shoot when necessary. Game over.

This film is an indictment on the abilities of both the US and Russian Intelligence and Defense agencies, Salt goes where she want when she wants. She even gets caught when she wants, it’s all part of her master plan.

The thing I must say that she is no master at is disguise, after an elaborate makeup job she manages to elude the scrutiny of hundreds of trained agents all focussed on finding her when she walks freely among them – when to me she looked just like Angelina Jolie with black hair that was exactly the same style and length as it was the day before, only blonde.

Later in the film she masquerades as a male officer and I felt like screaming at the screen “But she looks exactly like Jolie, only a bit weirder and somehow more feminine!”, it proved too elaborate a heckle for me to use.

I dunno, the issue that I had with Salt wasn’t that it was inadequate or bad, but just how it wasn’t too much of anything. There were no bits that I felt like discussing later that weren’t pointing out flaws, and no flaws that were large enough to allow me to write the film off as terrible.

It is all so… adequate.

"I sure can take out 5 armed guards bare-handed, I just need a cookie first... feeling lightheaded..."There is nothing wrong with Salt, it is a perfectly serviceable action-thriller with a solid cast and some good sequences. Jolie is OK as a lead and the few hand to hand scenes look believable enough, I wish she had a little more range than not blinking to show her stress levels, and I really wish that she might puff a little or dare I say it? – sweat, after the long chase scenes.

But no, she casually walks off into the scenery, makeup and hair perfectly in place; 38kg of tabloid attracting, multiple kid having, slightly-past-her-prime-but-no-one-will-admit-it-yet-until-a-real-successor-shows-up (sorry Megan Fox you aren’t cutting it), big-lipped, too skinny (especially the arm veins – gross) celebrity, despite the fact that she hasn’t made a really good film in… well ever.

Salt is serviceable as a preposterous action flick, anyone will see the ending coming a mile away, and the fact that it less sets up than practically announces a sequel is coming is perhaps Hollywood getting a little ahead of themselves. This was OK and killed a couple hours without hurting my brain one way or another – but again?

I hope they have a big idea in the bank that makes it worthwhile.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. Just middling. Good mostly, bad not much, but awesome? Never. The Doctor won’t tell you to quit this Salt, but take only in strict moderation.

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Ace Ventura 1 & 2 – Alllllrighty then! Two Reviews.

Posted on August 19, 2010 by OGR

Ace Ventura – Pet Detective

The original and... a... film?

In some ways Jim Carrey is like Will Ferrell, both came from skit based comedy shows where they played reasonably bit roles and were generally found to be quite funny in moderation.

Both somehow managed to wangle that into starring roles and survived and thrived largely on their wacky antics to short term stardom. This is where their career paths diverged…

Ferrell still makes the same stupid film over, and over, and over again. “Look! I’m Will Ferrell making fun of an occupation by playing it dead seriously and yelling a lot when the situation probably doesn’t require it! Look! I make increasingly unfunny comments and get nearly nude a lot.”

  • Now I’m a yelling race car driver who is deadly serious and doesn’t realise I’m actually a cock.
  • Now I’m a yelling ice skater who is deadly serious and doesn’t realise I’m actually a cock.
  • Now I’m a yelling basketball player who is deadly serious and doesn’t realise I’m actually a cock.
  • Now I’m a yelling newscaster who is deadly serious and doesn’t realise I’m actually a cock.

That’s showing your range Will. Now go and invent some new “ad-libs” to crack the low IQs up when you spout them as you “improvise” on your next shitfest.

Carrey branched out and did different things. (OK I admit that was just to allow me another cheap shot at Will Ferrell the most overrated “Star” in cinema today.)

But for a while even while he was totally one-note and relying on his shtick to get laughs there was no denying it… Carrey’s shtick was good.

Carrey has a pretty unique, look and is willing to make himself look stupid at the drop of a hat, a key advantage in comedy. He has exaggerated features, elastic limbs and an incredibly flexible face capable of seemingly everything short of turning itself inside out – and don’t think he wouldn’t have tried it for a laugh.

Carrey has some great impressions in his arsenal too, something Ferrell has never shown, and can come up with quotable one-liners and put downs with seemingly effortless ease.

In Ace Ventura someone pointed the camera at him and said go nuts and he did just that. Without Carrey Ace Ventura 1 & 2 would’ve been lousy, he is an explosion of comedic elements, trying literally everything including talking out of his arse for a laugh, and as this was so new and different at the time most of it worked.

Ace Ventura is a pet detective given the case of finding the mascot of the Miami Dolphins NFL team just days before they appear in the Superbowl. His search is aided by Dolphins staff member Courteney Cox and slowed down by Police Chief Sean Young, who it must be said looks very ordinary in this role (if this was deliberate it was genius).

When the clues lead all the way towards NFL greats the situation becomes admittedly ludicrous, but in a pretty inspired and creatively daring way, much better than a “silly” comedy might ordinarily deserve.

But the plot is merely a coathanger for Carrey to drape his improvisational genius on; a shoe to jam his awkward mannerisms and throwaway jokes into; a garage for him to drive his bit characters and random shrieks into… I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. A funny film that lives and dies with your response to Carrey’s antics. I like him in small doses.

This time he's riding crocodiles.

Ace Ventura – When Nature Calls

You read the above bit about the antics, impressions and mugging right?

  • This time Carrey does it again.
  • This time after a tragedy he is out of the pet-detective game and must be coaxed into action.
  • This time in Africa.
  • This time he needs to find a white bat to bring peace between two warring tribes.
  • This time he is born from a giant fake mechanical rhino.

Final Rating – 7 / 10. Still the same gross outs and stupid jokes, but with a few better set pieces once they knew what Carrey’s character could get away with.

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Groundhog Day

Posted on August 17, 2010 by OGR

Don't let the crappy poster put you off...

Groundhog Day takes a sci-fi premise, grounds it with a banal everyday backdrop and then squeezes every last drop of humour out of the premise without obvious sightgags and cheesy jokes.

It is, simply put, Bill Murray’s best comedic effort, and he doesn’t have to resort to hamming it up Caddyshack style, the film that makes best use of his personality by letting him be himself… almost.

Bill plays Phil Connors, a local small market weatherman who like most others in the role, must turn up the wackiness to add levity to the normal stoic newscast. Phil has vast delusions of grandeur and feels that he is deserved of a far better career fate, even though he seems content with coasting through the working day.

Part of a weatherman’s lot is covering crappy small town gimmick days like fetes and quirky events, I guess to show that the network understands and supports the “everyday folks” in Anytown USA. This particular annual event is Groundhog Day in Punxsatawney Philadelphia, I developed a bad case of RSI just typing that name.

Before this film Groundhog Day referred to an annual festive event, purely for ceremony’s sake, where locals made a big fuss by dragging a groundhog from a box whose “powers” were supposed to include an ability to predict either the end of spring or an longer than usual Winter. (Thanks to this film Groundhog Day now means something akin to déjà vu.)

So Phil, his producer Rita (Andie MacDowell) and the cameraguy Larry (Chris Elliott) cram into a van and head to the venue for a night’s sleep prior to next day’s telecast.

Come 6 am Phil awakes to find the day bitterly cold, and the day’s events and weather forecast pan out fairly uneventfully. On the way out of town though a blizzard prevents their departure back to the city and the trio must spend another night in sleepy Punxs-etc, much to Phil’s chagrin.

The next morning seems somehow familiar to Phil, he finds that for some inexplicable reason he is reliving the events of the previous (Groundhog) day. He has the same encounters with locals, the same discussions with Rita and Larry, he is even expected to give the same weather forecast that he gave (his) previous morning. Phil is a little more than bemused at this turn of events, as everyone around him is oblivious to these new-but-same circumstances. Only Phil is capable of doing things differently; and influencing others to do things differently from the initial day.

Kooky ain’t it? The strength of Groundhog Day is that it doesn’t try to explain how and why the anomaly occurs, but once it is established Phil will be reliving the same day it deals with it in a realistic enough fashion that you accept the situation and wait to see if and how Phil will extricate himself from it. And this is where much of the humour lies, Bill Murray is funny enough to begin with, putting him in a situation where he is able to riff and react to events without much thought of repurcussions or responsibility is like letting him off the leash and saying “Go nuts” – and he does just that, only in the deadpan can-you-believe-this? Bill Murray way.

There's a 6 o'clock in the morning now?

After the second Groundhog Day pans out Phil goes through many stages:

1)      Disbelief. Maybe if I rub my eyes enough this will all change back?

2)      Acceptance. Well I guess I can’t change this, let’s ride it out.

3)      Manipulation. Well I guess while I’m here I might as well have fun with this.

4)      Misuse. Exactly what can I get away with?

5)      Learning / Planning / Scheming. If I put some thought into this I can pull off something big!

6)      Resignation. I’ve had enough, what can I do just to end this?

7)      No escape. Well that didn’t work, I give up.

8)      Desperation. You gotta believe me! I’m not making this up.

9)      Upskilling & Change. Maybe it’s me who is broken?

10)  Culmination…

As Phil progresses through the process he turns gradually from a sarcastic and cynical self-centred bastard and gradually smoothes his rough edges away, sarcasm turns to wit, put-downs to jokes and using people turns to helping people. A little saccharine sounding right? Well perhaps in the wrong hands, but here there is a real sense of achievement once Phil finally gets somewhere. There are down periods too, Phil gets slapped more than a few times, experiences some real loss and failure when dealing with a homeless person, and gives up in the most final of ways many, many times. Other guys with even more time on there hands than I have estimated that Phil spends between 6 and 12 months reliving the same day, that’s enough for a lot of crazy moods swings, planning and antics.

Aside from all this it must be said that the film is extremely funny, aside from Bill Murray’s tour de force as Phil Andie MacDowell plays the straight, slightly bemused love interest role well, Elliott as Larry is OK in a bit role and the people that Phil encounters momentarily, but in the same way every day all add a chuckle or two.

Same as Scrooged though not much of this would be as good without Murray, he elevates the material a good couple notches higher, only this time the film was very good before he got involved, his inclusion made it great.

Final Rating – 9 / 10. There are a hell of a lot of movies I wouldn’t want to relive again, thankfully this is not one of them.

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The Ladies Man

Posted on August 16, 2010 by OGR

"Something is randomly happening right now... in my pants."

Another Saturday Night Live project. If you get 4 minutes into the film and decide you don’t think that you like Leon Phelps you might as well stop. If you get that far and don’t smirk once DEFINITELY stop, it ain’t gonna change from here.

Leon Phelps is a radio talkback guy that can only exist in movies as he would never really get a job in the real world. He is a 70s throwback complete with a 1:2 scale Dr J afro and speaks with a heavy distinct lisp and a slow drawl in a wannabe erudite manner.

Leon gives ridiculously homophobic, sexist and outdated answers to the most straightforward of relationship based questions, and for some reason the callers are offended despite the fact that Leon ALWAYS gives similar, generally butt-related responses.

Leon’s producer is Julie Simmons who is likable but will always be the uppity daughter from Fresh Prince to me, she must field all the complaints and queries, and simultaneously ward off the angry station managers who constantly want to fire Leon.

When one manages to do so and Leon is turfed, we get a brief explanation of how he came to be (long story short he grew up in the Playboy mansion) and then move to his dingy local bar where we get to meet the regular clientele that Leon calls friends.

As Leon and Julie plot the next stage of their career we are informed that Leon not only talks the talk but humps the walk, he apparently has a string of “special ladies” all over the city, many of whom hate his guts. This has lead to a similar number of disgruntled husbands and partners who know Leon only from the smiley face tattoo on his derriere. I will not refer to this group again in favourable terms, suffice to say they include Will Ferrell and Lee Evans, two of the worst and overhyped comedic actors in recent history.

They wish Leon harm.

Leon has no job, no prospects and no regular missus. On top of this Julie has had enough of his lack of common sense and has temporarily scarpered. After delivering one of the better lines in any comedy film for two decades;

“There is nothing left to do. I’m going to have sex and wait for something to randomly happen.”

… something happens. Leon gets an unsigned letter where the female writer offers to share her life – and millions with Leon. He sets about finding his soul mate, leading to one of those montages Schneider specialises in where every meeting is apparently hilarious even though most of them aren’t.

Another case of the wrong guy chasing after the wrong lady even when everyone knows that the chick he is ignoring is Miss Right, don’t they do this in rom-coms about 75 times a year? That thought is also put on its head when he finally finds the chick and it is Tiffany-Amber Thiessen in her prime. In lingerie. Damnnnn, HELLO MISS WRONG!!!

The finale is cheesy and a little disappointing… (Ferrell & Evens feature), but mostly The Ladies Man is the story of a man out of touch with the real world, a man who lives in his own bubble of ignorance but is always totally honest and true to himself and what he believes in. Even if that is stupid.

Take out the wronged guys subplot and this movie is even better, but also about 40 minutes long, maybe this is a case of better left as a skit?

Final Rating – 7.5 / 10. Annoying sub-plots and cheesy finales aside, this is funny stuff in the main. I do like Leon Phelps.

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Scott Pilgrim Vs the World

Posted on August 15, 2010 by OGR

Dude you rock!

Edgar Wright emerged from TV nowhere and promptly made two of the better films of the decade, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.

Shaun was a horror comedy aimed specifically at fans of classic horror and provided more laughs than scares.

If you weren’t a horror fan you might have got a few chuckles (but then why were you watching it in the first place?) If you were even if you got the references you then had to have some sort of sense of humour to allow yourself to be amused… go to imdb chatrooms and check out some horror boards one day – not a chucklefest.

It basically tried to entertain a segment within a niche market, but as it was so brilliantly conceived and intricately and carefully created it became very buzz-worthy across the world in a short time.

I think I have established my cred as a horror fan, I was hooked into SotD after seeing the first trailers. I loved it, and when word of a follow up effort came I was on board early;

That follow up became Hot Fuzz, this time a twist on the buddy-cop genre. The film should have had a slightly broader appeal in theory, but was a little too smart for the average less talky – more shooty action fan, and British accents apparently put some people off.

I personally think Hot Fuzz is a shade above Shaun of the Dead, but I would happily watch both back to back for days on end. So when I heard about Scott Pilgrim Vs the World I thought “Kooky title”, when I saw Edgar Wright was behind the helm I signed up immediately.

Scott Pilgrim has been labelled a love letter to video games, and it is that, earlier this year I thought Kick-Ass nailed the style and look so well I wondered if that was the future of action films… Edgar Wright must have watched that and chuckled to himself, knowing exactly what he was already sitting on.

Pilgrim Smash!

In true Wright style though the film eschews the easy out and focuses the bulk of the video game references – and there are many – to the late 80s to mid 90s era in gaming and entertainment.

(There is a Seinfeld homage replete with the signature bass noodlings and unfunny jokes, and if there was still doubt as to the target era in the finale Scott Pilgrim rocks a Smashing Pumpkins T-shirt, the Pumpkins released Siamese Dream in 1993, Mellon-Collie and the Infinite Sadness in 1995, name an album they released after that… See; mid 90s.) There are no GTA references, no Gears of War, not even a God of War bit.

This is all despite the film obviously being set in the present day or near enough, texting is rampant throughout the film and email is referenced, and there is enough indie rock to fill many buckets with tears and casualty wards with razor cut victims.

But what of the film? Scott Pilgrim Vs the World is a total headfuck. I think a deaf person would get as much from this film as anyone else, from first frame to the credits the screen is chock filled with colour and most sounds are spelled on the screen.

We get right into the film from the first sequence, it is band rehearsal for the Sex Bob Ombs (pronounced “bobboms” great name actually), as each band member appears onscreen his/her vitals are listed for the audience, this happens at various times through the film, other touches include brief cutaways and written narration and segues, the intent is to always keep things moving swiftly at all times.

The Sex Bob Ombs include Kim on drums, Stephen on guitar and lead vocals – and Scott Pilgrim on bass, “young” Neil rounds out the group as roadie cum back up plan.

Scott is 22 and in that phase of not having a steady anything, no job, prospects, direction or relationship. But today he has informed the clan of his new girlfriend, a schoolgirl no-less. A Chinese schoolgirl in fact named Knives Chow. The band view this as a short lived act of desperation by Scott that can’t and won’t last.

Knives in doe-eyed and energetic, desperately wanting to be adult and part of the “scene”, she instantly becomes the band’s #1 fan. Scott and Knives don’t as much date as play-date, video arcades and music stores are their haunts, and hand holding is as far as the romance goes.

All this changes when Scott glimpses a purple haired girl one day and is instantly besotted despite knowing nothing about her. A little homework later and he and Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) meet. Despite his sorta-girlfriend Scott asks Ramona out and after some awkward moments and a near first date home run they are officially on…

Complicating matters though is the continued presence of Knives, both the band and Scott’s gay roommate Wallace (Kieran Culkin) tell Scott to break it off with Knives immediately if he is serious about this new coloured hair alterna-vixen.

And he was gonna, but the battle of the bands is coming to decide which band is rockin’ enough to get a record contract from the mythical producer G Man.

Now it was a crazy film to this point, but halfway through the first battle of the bands it gets crazier and never lets up from there.

FINISH HIM!!

In short: Knives is geeking out in the crowd, oblivious to Ramona, who sits a few seats away oblivious to Knives. Scott’s sister Stacey is aware of the goings on and asking prodding questions to all, Wallace is also there making goo-goo eyes at Stacey’s boyfriend. Scott is onstage with the Sex Bob Ombs trying to impress Ramona when… the walls explode and a heavily stylised young man flies in. He announces himself as Matthew Patel and he immediately gets Street Fighter on Scott’s ass.

A mid-fight speech informs Scott that to be with Ramona he must first deal with the League of Evil Ex’s, of which Patel is the first, all of whom have had dealings with Ramona in the past…

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A simpler time...

That’ll do for plot. The remainder of the film deals with Scott attempting to do just that. The evil Ex’s are all quite cartoony and over the top, in fact only Ramona appears semi-normal in this film despite all the insane goings around around – and largely because – of her. Winstead plays her with the impassive resignation that apparently encapsulates Gen X and is both spunky and annoying at various times.

Each level-boss equivalent necessitates a fierce one on one battle, some of which are waged with fists and feet, others instruments and still others with dual dragons taking on a huge monkey. Upon completion of each “level” Scott gains points and coins that appear from the exploded victims… yes it is exactly that kind of film.

Every frame is packed with colour and action, there are dozens of musical cues from classic games like Super Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog throughout, and many more that I obviously didn’t get, and in true video game fashion the defeated foes are never onscreen for long as they vanish, or again explode into coins.

I keep thinking that Michael Cera’s “I’m clumsy and sorta whisper my lines almost apologetically but darn it I’m a nice guy” routine will get old fast, and it will at some point – but it works yet again here. Ellen Wong is spunky (and jail-bait-ey) as Knives, spawning a chat-room handle for thousands of young Asian girls, Chris Evans and Satya Bhabha steal scenes as evil Ex’s, but the surprise for me was Kieren Culkin as Wallace. Wry and sarcastic, he is nonetheless very loyal to Scott and always there for him, he’s just not that into or involved when he doesn’t really have to be. Wallace gets a lot of laughs in the film, and almost all of the sex, something the pre-teens in the screening I went to weren’t capable of dealing with (none is onscreen, don’t panic).

I wanted to love Scott Pilgrim and at times I really did, it is breathlessly inventive and unbelievably creative, everything is filmed and edited in a way like no film I have seen before. In fact the only stylistic comparison I could come up with was Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure crossed with Crank and produced by Speed Racer, and that’s still a ways off the mark. I found myself grinning throughout, the sheer audacity and creativity often makes it impossible not to be impressed… even in bits where I got a little lost or there was simply too much going on.

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The thing with video games is this;

Unless you are the one playing watching on is only amusing for so long. When I was a kid the only place in town with video games was the pub and the swimming pool, being too young for the pub I would hang out at the pool for hours even in winter to play games and ping-pong (that place was the Bob Omb!), but at 9 or 10 cash was finite, so a few games would see me run out of loot. My buddy Skeeter had no such problem, he would steal his Dad’s change from home and rock up with pockets bulging and clinking, set to play for hours, so I found myself watching over his shoulder some days as he chewed through what would be weeks of my pocket money in one arse-numbing sitting.

My point is this, you can look over a guy’s shoulder for 2 hours when you’re 8 or 9 watching him go through the motions again and again (“there’s a guy on your left”, “watch the blue monster”), but sitting through 6 boss-battles grew a little old nearing the two hour mark even though I had absolute faith in Wright as the guy in control, knocking out a couple battles would have maintained the pace and interest level a little better.

Scott Pilgrim Vs the World is most definitely one of a kind, just the kind that will appeal more to gamers than anyone else, but even more than that gamers of the 80s and 90s who will get most of the references continued within. It works well if viewed as just a film, but needs a basic understanding of the subject matter to be more than that.

It must be said that the peril of that demographic is that most of us (I am mid 30s Gen X… apparently) no longer play games as much as you do when in your teens and twenties, nor do we go to the movies quite so much, so exactly who is Scott Pilgrim’s audience?

  1. Not the pre-teens in the screening I went to, most jokes and references flew over their 5 ft tall backwards baseball caps
  2. Not the bulk of the couples in the audience, (this is definitely not a date film). I showed the preview to my wife to see if see if she wanted to go… twice. Her response: “I give you permission to go with anyone else but me.”
  3. Not anyone over 45, I joked as we walked out that I would take my Dad to watch, he wouldn’t last 5 minutes.

Who does that leave, the coveted mid 30s – no kids – still lives with their parents and thinks Arrested Development is the bob-omb coveted demographic? His name is Eric.

What did ya think Eric?

Daniel Tosh has a joke where he says that he starts a joke and continues until everyone is laughing, then he keeps getting more and more abstract until he loses almost everyone in the audience as they wonder what the hell he is talking about… Edgar Wright seems to subscribe to that same theory.

I’ve never given such an abstract film “Great” status before, this film is less a film than a concept, I nearly did here but there was just enough doubt that I decided to throw it an 8.

I know Scott Pilgrim Vs the World is the work of a brilliant mind, carefully crafted and lovingly created… I hope it does well and I know it will be a cult classic (and devoured on DVD, this is one film that actually should’ve gone direct to DVD. It would’ve made more money that way.). I just can’t see word of mouth bringing in big box office, which is a shame.

Yesterday I had the choice of The Expendables or Scott Pilgrim and talked TOG into Pilgrim, I have no doubt I’ll see The Expendables soon. I have even less doubt that it won’t be anywhere near as good as Pilgrim but it will most assuredly be easier to shut down the brain and watch. I think many others will think the same thing and take the easy way out.

It’s a shame, but facts is facts.

TOG’s take: “Scott Pilgrim is a 22 year old in a coming of age tale that meets Mortal Kombat. Throw in some random events and you have a movie that will be one from cinemas in 2 weeks but will have a cult following.”

Final Rating – 8 / 10. Near greatness, remarkably ambitious and meticulously crafted. The beauty of Edgar Wright is that he is only in his mid 30s and has already made three excellent flicks, we hopefully have 20 years more to enjoy his output.

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Zombie Women of Satan

Posted on August 15, 2010 by OGR

To the person responsible for the cover quote: Hang your head in shame!

The quick version goes like this: There are films that are terrible but worth a look for certain reasons, even if only one reason.

These may include;

  • Outlandish plot devices
  • Nudity
  • Over the top action and cheesy effects
  • Stupid humour and so-bad-it’s-good moments
  • Low budget creativity and having a crack.

Zombie Women of Satan uses none of these devices in a way that deserves any credit whatsoever. In fact it uses the Troma hook as its only lure – having a title that practically demands attention even if you know it will be bad.

Only as I just mentioned Zombie Women of Satan is not good-horrible, just horrible horrible.

I am not going to waste my time and yours discussing the various flaws and faults of this film, suffice to say it sucks balls from first minute to last. There wasn’t one moment that was even “no-one will believe this” or “Gee that was crazy”. Even the nudity was lamentable with fat chicks in granny pants covered in fake blood.

I thought Doghouse was a lazy manipulative barrel scraper of a film.

I refuse to watch The Human Centipede because it is simply a transparent attempt at attention because of the gross out factor, the director even tells everyone the entire plot he is so desperate to be acknowledged for his so-called edginess.

I hated this film for how lazy it was. I watched it a few days ago and can’t remember anything without looking at notes. In another week all I will remember is how much I hated this film, that might be the only thing I take away from the experience.

If I reach one person and stop them from watching this steaming turd I have added value to society, if only briefly. This is the worst movie I have watched in 2 years, probably longer.

Final Rating – 0.5 / 10. Even the most cold and calculated attempt at finding notoriety through exploitation and violence should only be attempted by someone who can use a basic calculator. This is so inept that I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was a single eye onscreen for the duration of the film. The 0.5 score is because the cameraman pointed the camera in the right direction, the loss of the other 9.5 points is because by doing so I had to watch what happened.

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