The Wraith (Mega-Review)

Oh Hell Yeah! Pass me the Red Bull!

This might be the world’s longest review of an obscure, some would say irrelevant, trashy 80’s teen friendly flick, and it is no doubt riddled with spoilers. But I don’t care. Maybe I was overdosing on 80’s cheese? Regardless I am happy to state for the record that The Wraith should be required viewing, I am not sure of the specifics but something in this 93 minute time capsule of awkwardness will move you.

One way or the other.

As the film opens four fast moving balls of pure energy approach Earth from outer space, skimming over the deserts and through mountain ranges to converge in a luminous explosion of blinding light. Within seconds more images come into focus as from the blob emerges a souped up car with a helmeted and space suited humanoid being standing in front. And when I say ‘emerges’, the car doesn’t drive out or even roll out – it just appears.

I know just what you’re thinking…

AWESOME RIGHT?!?

But by Kim Kardshian’s beard it gets even better.

As we cut to another part of the desert we are blessed to hear the first of more than a dozen power pop- rock ‘anthems’ that dominate the soundtrack with tunes so very soft that a fluffy kitten seems tough and scary by comparison. Rumours that Tears for Fears were overlooked because they were too ‘ard were never confirmed…

Grrrrr… Packard & Co.

It is here that we meet the nasty protagonists in the film, the very reason for The Wraith’s existence and the source of all conflict in the small desert town. An oddly put together collective of assorted rabble including punks, nerds, jocks, junkies and guys that look like pretty pirates, they are unified by only two things, a love of fast cars and a paralysing mix of both fear and devotion to their leader Packard.

Packard is another breed again, he seems more a slick 50s Greaser type, carrying himself with all the misguided swagger of a momentarily cool hair band, Packard takes what he wants and has things his way. Every comment is a threat and not open for discussion and every action is aggressive with submission expected.

Packard also whips out his switchblade more than Tiger Woods pulls out a golf club on game day, for ‘offences’ as insignificant as talking back or not obeying the first time, if he had kids I bet they would end up looking like Chucky does at the end of the Child’s Play flicks.

His ‘girl’ Keri (Sherilyn Fenn) is less a companion than a prisoner, being ordered around and carted about despite constant protestations that she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Then of course out comes the switchblade accompanied by not so veiled threats as to what might happen should she decide to go near another guy.

Somehow even though Packard and his crew are clumsily drawn caricatures I could talk about them all day, but I will refrain, after pointing out that their favourite hobby is approaching random strangers in nice cars and offering that they drag race down windy desert roads with the winner taking the loser’s vehicle.

Packard’s boys have pretty quick cars to begin with, and they also don’t adhere to road rules, so they don’t lose much.

Quick recap: Fiendish group of menacing ne-er-do-wells. A dangerous leader who covets his nubile young – unwilling – female companion a little too zealously.

So far so very good right. Mad Max 2 crossed with The Outsiders.

All 80s kinds of awesome.

Enter a bare chested, immaculately coiffed, in his youthful 80’s prime Charlie Sheen! On a motorbike! For no reason! I don’t care who you are, male or female, young or old, that odd sensation was your hormones bubbling away in the nethers at the DOUBLE AWESOMENESS that just erupted…

Sheen plays Jake, he is no doubt mysterious and fascinating. So much so that within 18 seconds he has mind-deflowered Keri on her front lawn as she left home to work at the local burger joint – a kind of rollerskate Hooters – by just asking for directions. Moments later she tells an angry Packard “I turned my back and the next second he was just… there. Like magic”.

If you rewind the tape a little you will recall I mentioned Jake rocking up on a particularly noisy motorbike?!? But I can’t blame Keri – Jake is especially dreamy.

Sh… Sh… SHERILYN!

Of course in the very next scene Jake and Keri are at the local rock pools for a sunbathe and a chillax, both basking in their swimsuited magnificence (Sherilyn Fenn is especially magnificent here!) From the clifftop above Packard officially decides he doesn’t like the cut of jake’s jib, he declares a fatwa on Jake and anyone associated with him with his puncy junkie pirate crew to deliver the hurting.

But as Jake is somewhat of a rugged, handsome loner from no known address who drifted into town only moments earlier his associations are only limited to his perfect hair, immaculate pout and Billy, a local kid he met 35 seconds prior. In that 35 seconds Billy managed to tell Jake where he works, who Keri is, gives Jake a warning about Packard and also managed to throw in an aside about his recently murdered brother who died in violent and mysterious circumstances – by being stabbed… Oh and welcome to the neighbourhood. To top this all off Billy mentions that he works at the local hip burger joint, and ‘if you need a burger – ever – give me a call’. I mean what a convenient and practical first minute of a friendship, information, recommendations, warnings and verbal fast food vouchers.

So now we can add the brooding, handsome hero into this 80’s bouillabaisse of disparate plot ingredients to simmer slowly alongside the hot chick, the punk-pirates and the geeky burger flipper missing his murdered older bro.

Since the opening credits all thoughts of the silhouetted space-suited figure standing bolding in front of the super-space car were eclipsed by cartoonish bad guys and buff and beautiful teen bods glistening in the desert sun – and for good reason (PIC)…

But let’s shelve Jake and Keri for a minute or two. It just seems like the right time to add a magic car into the mix. Showing up with no fanfare or warning, the hotted up black race car simply appears at the roller-Hooters as if to taunt Packard and co. They take the bait hook, line and sinker and in the inevitable race that ensues the space car – I’ll just say Wraith Car or Driver from here on – Wraith Car tears off, only to abruptly re-appear just in time for the pursuer to unavoidably crash into the Wraith Car in a huge explosion spraying fiery chunks of metal and flesh down the Cliffside below.

Then the Wraith Car magically regenerates itself and slowly drives away.

I’ll give you a few moments to mop your brow and change your pants. Watching The Wraith is like having sex with a bull elephant, you ain’t finished until the bull elephant is finished.

Holy Bad Debts Batman! It’s Randy Quaid! Playing it as straight as he is capable as the local Sheriff investigating this unfortunate road incident. He arrives just in time to berate the rest of the Packard-ettes and discover that for no known reason the corpse of the unfortunate crash-ee is in perfect shape, aside from having no eyes and being as deathly pale as Amy Winehouse – pre or post death, you choose – that is.

Back in sleepy desert town, no-one appears to be in shock. In fact it seems business as usual, so the Wraith Driver strolls in to Packard’s chop shop garage in full Master Chief attire and casually lays waste to his vehicles and possessions with his cool space gun.

I’ll fast forward just a little. Next day; another drag, same result. Another dead punk-pirate and another exploding but regenerating Wraith Car.

This is starting to seem personal isn’t it? And just where has the mysterious Jake been with all of these goings on?

Let’s not spend time a’wondering. Jake and Keri go back to the now deserted rock-pools. She tells him that she was there when the love of her life – Billy’s brother – was murdered, then promptly gets ‘em out so that Jake can give this Goddess a taste of the Tiger Blood. Winning!

Now that all the ducks are in a row we just have the matter of a still breathing Packard. The Wraith Car fast-tracks things by hurtling full speed into the chop shop to kill off the last couple of henchmen with a big ‘boom goes the dynamite’ explosion that the A-Team would be proud of, and then it’s off to the middle of nowhere for the big drive off, where Packard goes mano-a-Wraitho with predictable results.

And all that’s left are a few loose ends, a totally unnecessary and unsurprising ‘reveal’ and the squealing of tyres into the moonlight…

How you absorb The Wraith will depend on a number of factors, for those in the right age bracket (about 35 – 45) it is a rivetingly embarrassing time capsule of awkward nostalgia as you recall what was actually deemed cool in the 80s, for the twenty-somethings it is a hilarious curio, a source of  awful quotes, even a drinking game.

One thing is for sure, The Wraith is the vengeful ghost that the Grudge wants to be when it grows up. Forget long, black wet hair, pasty skin and facial contortions, give me the ghost car and spaceman who kills the punk pirates and gets the bikini girl in the rock pool any day.

Goodnight sweet Prince.

Final Rating – 7 / 10. The Wraith is either the worst movie ever or the best-worst movie ever. All I know is that I couldn’t stop chuckling and excitedly scrawling notes until well into the second half of the movie.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
This entry was posted in Film, Movie Reviews, OGR Recommends, Worthwhile Movies. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.