Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) Trilogy Review

I was a 15 year old teenage boy when Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was first released. As such I should have been the poster child for their marketing team, and indeed I did attend the film in the cinema along with droves of my sniffly, scruffy peers. But I never embrace the film of the concept, which looked like a blatantly commercial mad-lib custom built by the manatees who make Family Guy.

This fact, combined with the two plus decades that have elapsed since, should scream warnings to my mostly adult brain. Warnings that say ‘This will not end well for you!’.

Regardless, I summon my Turtle Power, adjust my shell and forge ever onward into the pebble filled tank of cinematic stupidity.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

It’s a New York City crime wave – (sample headline: “It’s Worse!”) The innocent citizens of New York are being silently terrorised by an unseen, silent horde of ninjas representing a clan known as The Foot. Unbelievable in this day and age that someone would see fit to give ninjas a bad name, after all they’ve done for society over the years.

With apparently all hope lost the media and police wonder openly who will step up to save the day?

The answer is of course, pizza-loving, skateboarding, crap talking, Japanese rat trained, ninjas.

And they’re turtles.

That’s it really, the four word script tells you all that will follow:

They’re ‘teenage(d)’, hence the skateboards, pizza and predilection for talking nonsensically and constantly.

They’re ‘mutant’, so they can walk on their hind legs. Oh and talk (though not often in unison with their lip movements).

They’re ‘ninja’, so they carry deadly weapons (they never use) and are more than willing to take on multiple foes in fights that are the kung-fu equivalent of the camp 60s Batman TV show.

And; they’re ‘turtles’, because wombats would be just silly…

The four turtles have previously been living under the radar, or more accurately under the streets of NYC in the sewer system. Since being transformed as hatchlings by a mysterious ooze into smart mouthed humanoid-turtle combos, the four turtles, named Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello and Raphael, were trained in ninjitsu by a huge rat named Master Splinter.

Their ‘unveiling’ occurs when they save ‘sassy’ reporter April O’Neill from members of The Foot – or should I say Foot-soldiers? Shortly after this The Foot kicks back, taking Master Splinter hostage by the nefarious Shredder, a Kony-like figure who co-opts impressionable and disenchanted teens into his gang with bribes of fun, video games and ninja training, then sends them out into society to carry out his crimes.

Elias Koteas appears for a while as a human vigilante Casey Jones, the turtles ponder some deep thoughts and lie low for a while, and once the film nears the magic 90 minute mark – meaning there is a film to sell to an unsuspecting audience – they put the boot into The Foot and win the day.

There is much turtle related puns and ‘humour’, which I could attribute to the fact that the four main protagonists are teenage idiots but more accurately put down to lousy scriptwriting, a grand total of Zero intended laughs and no-one will learn anything from this film.

In short it is a movie that kids will probably still love.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. When the only takeaway I have 24 hours later is that this film boasted some fine rat-related puppetry there is probably reason for concern that I have two more films and an animated flick to go.

I hope this wasn’t the highpoint in the series.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze

So the first one was silly, juvenile, inane, predictable lazy and profitable. If you had to pick one of the above descriptors to suggest why a sequel was released only a year later which would it be?

Little has changed since we last met our turtley heroes, aside from perhaps better fitting turtle suits *ahem*, slightly sleeker shells, and longer flowing sashes to cover their eyes and protect their identities – though ironically this being the only way to tell them apart.

In fact the biggest change to the situation is that fearless and intrepid news reporter (and secret friend of the turtle) April O’Neil has had a dramatic, guys would say successful, makeover, (in that she is now another actress). This may be the reason that when we rejoin the secret ninja quartet and old rat-boy Master Splinter they are holed up in April’s pad, as the previous abode at the sewer is now well known to all.

This shouldn’t matter given that their arch nemesis Shredder is of course dead, but as we know being ‘movie dead’ is like being ‘mostly dead’ in The Princess Bride, if the series needs you enough you will pull through.

Upon his return Shredder tells members of the smelly Foot clan that he has twigged to the reason behind the turtle’s existence, the mysterious ooze that they were coated in as babies… hatchlings? Turtlets? Long story short Shredder intends to use the ooze to spice things up around here, specifically by introducing said ooze’s magic generative properties to a wolf and a snapping turtle and seeing where that takes the night…

Apparently the original film was – and I quote – too violent. Sheesh. Regardless of my censorial editorial this release aims far more at breaking your funny bone with a staccato barrage of jokes that range in quality from tiresome puns to… more tiresome puns I guess. It goes to show that it doesn’t matter if you double your output, if the success rate is still 0% then you won’t get any further.

Amazingly the fact that Vanilla Ice was wheeled in to cash in on his 15 minutes of flat-topped stardom wasn’t actually one of the jokes, meaning the finale in a crowded dance club with him excitedly proclaiming “Go Ninja. Go Ninja. Go.” Isn’t actually a crowning moment of 90s black humour.

So essentially the series progresses another 80 minutes toward nowhere, the turtles fight Shredder and the Foot – and this time a mutant snapping turtle and wolf – in defense of April, Master Splinter and the American way.

It’s just another 60’s Batman TV series rip-off, though instead of Adam West and Burt Ward fighting numerous foes in ill-fitting costumes to the sound of ‘oof’ and ‘ker-plow’ we have four amphibious ninjas in better fitting costumes fighting numerous foes in better fitting costumes to the sound of ‘dude’ and ‘cowabunga’.

That’s progress kids.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. Despite being a shameless retread of an original that was barely 12 months released, if I were 7 years old I think I would like this one better. It isn’t better quality, but it is lighter and at least tries for jokes more.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

They’re back! Taller, skinnier, with more elastic lips and, bizarrely, freckles.

Still turtley I guess, just different turtley.

The new improved lip movement actually ends up being a curse, occasionally the lips synch up nicely with the dialogue to look almost natural, then in the same sentence they go totally out of wack in a far more noticeable way. This impacts Splinter in particular, a few of his comments are straight freaky.

This film either runs out of ideas so adapts a script that was lying around, or over-reaches in an attempt to freshen things up. Regardless of the reason the fact is that this film is the most un-kid friendly of the trilogy.

April O’Neil (who is actually the same actress as in 2 but still manages to look like a new, third, April) finds a Japanese relic that transports her into feudal Japan from whence she requires saving. Of course the turtles head back to bring her back, along the way finding themselves amidst a corrupt and violent regime that they must overthrow in their spare time.

Back home in the sewers Splinter sits about and no doubt fills desk calendars with inspirational quotes and suggestions. Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) is also back, so there’s that.

Turtles 3 – which nowadays would no doubt be titled Turtl3s – ‘boasts’ some of the worst fight choreography in the series, which essentially means Turtl3s ‘boasts’ some of the worst fight choreography in the history of film. The action scenes are dull, monotonous and worst of all actually threatening, that would be the un-kid friendliness I mentioned.

This film is a prime example of greed justifying an unnecessary, unworthy entry into a series. That’s not to say that the first two films are classics – they sure as hell aren’t – but they at least knew their pre-teen market and for the most part pandered to it. This film puts the turtles in more danger, has more story, is more serious and talky, and above all less jokey. Which all adds up to an edition which is decidedly more sucky than the first two.

Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. A lack of humour, terrible action and a preposterously unnecessary new storyline cannot possibly be overcome by new improvements in the turtle suits.

Final Trilogy Rating – 5 / 10. With special mention that I would be happy to never again watch one of the TMNT films again as long as I live, I say this to someone who might be considering them for their pre-teen (say 7 – 10) kids.

The first is OK and for the most part harmless. The second tries a bit harder and has enough juvenile humour to at least be the most kid suitable. The third sucks for man, woman, child and amphibian. Avoid it.

I cannot believe I just quasi-recommended a film in which Vanilla Ice cameos as the ‘best’ in any series.

But there you ‘Go Ninja. Go Ninja. Go!’

OGR

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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