Swordfish starts with a grandiose speech about why Hollywood makes shit films, then proceeds in wholly unremarkable fashion to prove that sometimes dialogue unwittingly is honest without meaning to be.
Swordfish wasn’t made. It was excreted. Slick, pretty, pointless and instantly forgettable. It was ‘sold’ using two hooks. The first was a slick 360 degree shot orbiting an explosion, which is indeed so effective that for a long while it was itself the main element in a promo extolling the virtue of DVD. The second – and third – are on Halle Berry’s upper torso, and her inexplicable nudity was leaked in advance of the film’s release, along with the news she prostituted herself for a higher paycheque.
Aside from that the plot is a mish-mash of elements stolen from other better films, the action sequences are ordinary and I hated the bits in between. You do the math.
Swordfish wants to be a clever new generation Lethal Weapon Vs The Matrix Vs Speed, but ends up as Lethal Weapon 4 Vs The Matrix 2 & 3 Vs Speed 2…
Gabriel (John Travolta) and his sidekick Ginger (Halle Berry) are especially naughty master criminals, everything they do is on a large scale and they are apparently driven to achieve results at the expense of anything and anyone that stands in their way.
Stan (Hugh Jackman) is an uber-hacker, the type who can do anything in 40 seconds without looking at either a keyboard or a screen despite the fact that he’s old enough to not know how to send an SMS. Once on the most cyber-wanted list, Stan is now going straight to *SNIFF* try to regain his young daughter from her junkie porn star Mum *SNIFF*.
Gabriel is planning his latest incredibly mega-huge unbelievably ballsy job that will leave all other criminals misty eyed and jealous. He needs a hacker, hacking lost his, so he co-opts Stan with the promise of enough cash to emancipate his daughter – WHY WON’T SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE DAUGHTER!!!
Don Cheadle plays all the police that you need to know. Vinnie Jones is a snarling heavy.
The rest is logic defying drivel that makes one ask questions like:
Why would someone change with the door wide open if they have something to hide?
Why bother with the covert planning when you are more than willing to drag out a machine gun and spray bullets left and right in the middle of the street every five minutes?
Is a random female voice on a phone telling you that you’ve been paid 10 million dollars enough confirmation to accept this news?
There’s a lot of flashy stuff to prove just how awesome the life of a scuzzy terrorist-thief-overacting cock is, much covert planning in sunny locales to allow Berry to wear nearly-dresses – as in they nearly cover most of the goods (I must admit I’m not a big fan but she works it here) and other stuff to distract the audience to stay awake until the finale.
It didn’t work for me.
Final Rating – 5 / 10. After all that the only two things to take away from the Swordfish experience are the two things they told you before the film was released. OK three things…
