Your professors for our Masterclass.
I saw The Fast and the Furious a decade ago and immediately decided that it was the full stop to the series. At least for me. Car films just aren’t my bag, especially ones which expect me to think Paul Walker is a real actor.
And that’s been the case until recently, until Fast Five (as I believe it is called) garnered almost universally – if begrudging – acceptance from critics all over.
So I grabbed 7 Red Bulls and a big bowl of Extreme Cheese chips and sat down to two hours of nitrous-fueled ridiculous, practically daring them to entertain me.
And they actually did. I hope this says more for the film than me as a human being. Wait let me check… Nascar racing? Nope, don’t like it. Jackass? Nope, no good. Kanye West music? Still hate it.
Wow it MUST be the film. And Paul Walker, Vin Diesel AND the Rock are in it!?!
Colour me amazed.
As I have no idea where we left off let’s start where we pick up; Brian (Paul Walker) and his GF Mia (Jordana Brewster) risk by my count 30 lives to bust out convicted criminal and Mia’s brother Dom (Vin Diesel).
Ladies and gentlemen our heroes for the film!
Now free the trio head to Rio where they team with more guys to steal three cars from a moving train. Again this somehow manages to risk life and limb for not only the desperados but countless innocents on the train. In fact at least 6 people die in the heist, some good guys, some bad.
For three cars.
Let me summarise that again; 6 people die and many others put in grave peril; for three cars.
Aside from that the action is actually very well handled, I just resent the implication that I am supposed to care for three cars. The sequence ends with Mia getting away in a car, another car being destroyed and who knows with the third. As a more important result it brings the attention of one of the bigger drug dealing, mob boss bad guys in all of South America, and raises the eyebrow of Hobbs (The Rock), a law enforcer who leads a task force with the sole aim of recapturing Dom, setting up one of the muscliest, no necked confrontations ever seen on the big screen.
With The Rock and his Rockettes on the trail the newly framed Brian and Dom hatch an elaborate and audacious plot to turn the tables and fleece the big bad drug dealing criminal guy – a dangerous, corrupt man named Reyes who has stashes of cash in banks all over the shop totalling *Wrestling announcer’s voice* ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS CASH!
A good looking crew of fast talking cool dudes and chickies is immediately summoned, including Tyrese, Ludacris and some unfamous people. In a span of maybe 17 seconds they decide upon the most implausible and difficult course of action – after all it’s only worth doing if it’s totally impossible – that they pull off without a hitch or a hair out of place.
Despite the film being riddled with logic errors (What happens to the remote controlled camera-car in the vault after they turn it off? Why doesn’t anyone bleed or even puff after a 4 minute no holds barred punch on?) the film earns points for sheer unadulterated entertainment value. There are thrills and spills galore, car crashes that rival Burnout 3 and a body count that would be a global news story in reality. But there is precious little reality here, which makes Fast five the dubbos equivalent of 80s Arnie and Sly mindless action movies, only with muscle cars instead of just muscles…
There are movies that I want to like but can’t. Fast Five is a movie that I need to hate, but it wouldn’t let me. That is it’s greatest achievement.
Final Rating – 7 / 10. Fast Five has something for everyone… at least everyone aged 14 – 16… and male…
