The Cave (Review)

Extremely Tremors-ey.

The Cave came out within months of that ‘other caving flick’, the immensely superior (in every way) The Descent. So unless they were cribbing as each other filmed it is hard to accuse either of pilfering ideas. In any case The Cave takes enough from the Alien quadrilogy to suggest that it should pay Sigourney Weaver royalties.

Put another way, as the opening credits rolled it would be more apt if they went thusly:

  •  – Writer: A guy that watched Aliens a lot.
  •  – Sound Guy: Someone who watched Predator a lot.
  •  – Creature Designer: A guy that watched Alien: Resurrection incessantly, sketching ‘concept ideas’ while looking up to check the freezeframe on his TV.
  •  – Director: Someone who lifted ideas, camera angles and entire sequences from other films – most notably but not confined to the Alien franchise.

All that said it could have been worse, after all if you have to steal, steal from the best. But at least try to make it better than this…

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

I think public consensus agrees with my uninformed claim that Romania is bad – and by the way my claim is made only on the basis that I am choosing to believe Hostel took place there.

So that said Romania in a dark, wet and poorly oxygenated cave must be worse right?

Well then Romania in a cave infested by… well let’s keep this spoiler free and say an awful lot can apparently happen in a mere 30 years on this planet.

When Jack and his crack team of multi-ethnic future appetisers show up to spend nearly two weeks underground traversing and researching a massive newly discovered underground system filled with water they know before embarking that things won’t be easy-peasy.

This is made abundantly clear shortly after they establish base camp deep underground and miles from the entrance when said entrance is blocked off after an unforseen ‘mishap’. With the knowledge that no-one on the outside is able to communicate with them the only option is to forge onward in the hope that another exit can be found before oxygen runs out or… other.

The team of the faceless and not so noteworthy swiftly realise that the vast cave supports its very own ecosystem of fish, other things that are fish-like, still other things that are small and relatively harmless.

And then things that are best described as (D): none of the above.

To be frank it’s the usual stuff from here. Glimpses, near misses, sounds, shadows and ominous music, all familiar enough to assure immunity to any sense of impending dread or indeed any tension whatsoever.

My only joy came not from guessing which character would be dragged away screaming next – I had long since stopped caring about any of them – but in deciding which no-name actor/actress was who based upon the credits on the DVD cover boasting an ‘all-star cast (!).

I recognised Lena Headley given her infamous fanboy-friendly sex scene in 300. I worked out that Morris Chestnutt could only be the handsome and macho black guy – no-one else could pull that name off. (I then decided that he is doing his career no favours with his male stripper name, especially as he looks like one.)

I finally guessed Cole Hauser was the guy who looked like Matthew McConaughey after a weekend meth binge, and it all came together from there.

The only other thing I can think to tell you is that there were a few sloppy edits that made me wonder if I accidentally sat on the ‘commercial skip’ button on the DVD remote.

You can tell just how compelling this movie was can’t you?

Final Rating – 5.5 / 10. The Cave’s biggest crime is arriving at the same time as a modern day genre classic and sharing some base level similarities. Its biggest problem is being a pale facsimile of so many other better films.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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