In defence of… Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen cares not for you.

He probably doesn’t hate you… Doesn’t have the energy.

It’s just that unless you satisfy his criteria to justify the title of “goddess” (my guess: 5ft 9, silicon infused, a vacant expression – and the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose wouldn’t hurt), or provide the man with particular substances, you aren’t necessary to his existence.

Those unnecessary seem to include family, former friends (and current colleagues), and current and prospective employers.

Thanks to his 8 years on the pointless yet inexplicably popular Two and a Half Men the man born Carlos Estevez now officially has Fuck-You money. He lounges around on it, luxuriating in the knowledge that he is CHARLIE SHEEN!, and that everyone else better recognise.

Young Carlos.

Funnily enough the last time Charlie was in a good film or TV show he played himself – at least the Charlie of the 1990s – in Being John Malkovich. For those of you under 30 though he had a resume by that time which would be the envy of many actors his age: Red Dawn, Platoon, Wall Street, Major League, ermmm Young Guns 1 and 2… OK I stretched too far, suffice to say he had proved himself as a genuine actor and a respectable box office draw regardless of his parentage.

But somewhere along the line Charlie stopped caring about respect, accolades and quality of output. The 90s proved a very lean stretch capped of with the Heidi Fleiss stuff which proved at least one thing: Charlie Sheen likes the ladies. Through the decade Charlie schlubbed around doing formulaic flicks of no importance and a couple of vanity projects to wile away the time and pay the bills. Lord knows what he was doing offscreen but I would take an educated guess and suggest it involved much illicit substances and nubile young female bodies to ingest said substances off.

“Charles. Charles Sheen. You can call me Charlie.”

Then Michael J Fox, the most likable guy from the 80s and 90s, announced he had to quit acting due to his deteriorating health, and a new plumb job came up on Spin City. Charlie Sheen got the job, proved himself adept in the sit-com format, and the rest is history.

I want so bad to lazily recount Sheen’s many bizarre statements of recent days here but I will not. The fact that he is now confident enough to call out his Dad, his employers and society in general is hilarious but irrelevant now.

He’s no longer half a man…

Instead I am here to say that whatever you think of Mr Sheen at the moment, he is perhaps the most honest man in Hollywood right now, and deserves respect at least for that.

So that brings us to the present.

Charlie Sheen doesn’t need your money. He is already RICH. He doesn’t need your love. He is RICH. He is in his mid 40s and still quite a handsome guy, but even if he were sayyyyy Andy Dick. He is still RICH, he can (and apparently does) buy ‘love’. By the hour. And not ‘streetside walking love’ but carefully manicured, well presented and probably (mostly) disease free love.

Mr Sheen could quite comfortably retire today and live an opulent and indulgent lifestyle – at least until his premature death caused by same at 50-something – and still have muchas cash left over to distribute among the dozens of illegitimate children that he spawns from this point on, and to pay out the various strumpets left by the wayside as age and gravity renders them ‘less than goddess-like’, and therefore unfit for Charlie consumption.

Charlie could care less if you like him, love him or hate him, either way he just shimmies a little to perfect the ass-groove in his Fuck-You money pile while he watches another 7 hours of porn surrounded by the stars of the films. This is no different to any other day in the life of Charlie Sheen for probably the last 20 years.

But now – as in the last couple months – Charlie has realised this and decided to embrace it. Now we see Charlie Sheen at his most honest and open.

In recent interviews Charlie has bragged about his capacity. He can take more drugs than you, party harder than you and bang more hot chicks than you. Probably for wayyyy longer too.

Society doesn’t like that? Fuck society! I’m Charlie Sheen.

Charlie is on record that he openly detests Two and a Half Men and acknowledges it is mainstream pleasing pap (preaching to the choir there Mr Sheen). He contests the notion that he has breached contract through his extra-curriculars and says that if the producers and financiers of the show want him to return they have to give him a massive raise. If they say no he plans to sue.

Why? Because I’m Charlie-Fucking-Sheen! That’s why.

Charlie laughs off any suggestions that he isn’t sober or clean – after all he did all that in like an hour – to prep for the coming tapings of his own show.

You know, the one he hates.

But doesn’t it take months to fully detox and kick hardline narcotics and alcohol abuse? Surely after you’ve over-indulged for the better part of two, maybe three full decades there is so much moving around in your system that an accidental collision with Lindsay Lohan may inadvertently set off a nuclear explosion (not to mention the instant genesis of dozens of potentially fatal new STDs).

An hour off from using is hardly a month at Betty Ford, even a fortnight’s cold turkey. Hell, even the “Pookie kicks crack” montage in New Jack City took almost that long. For many an hour could be the impatient period that it takes to find a dealer.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Charlie Sheen? No wait that’s me. YOU CAN’T BE ME! I AM ME!!!

Deluded or not, Charlie embracing the situation instead of running or putting an obviously fabricated PR spin on things is why I am voting for him as Man of the Year. I have watched probably 20 odd hours of (non-sport) TV this year – I’m a movie guy – I don’t care about the latest celeb scandal (She’s fat! She’s thin! I can’t believe X cheated on Y!) but I am transfixed by Sheen somehow. I love hearing about him being an F18 filled with tiger-blood who wants 3 million an ep to make a show he hates that will be adored by you and your ugly wife and dumb children.

That shit’s hilarious to me.

The fact is that Charlie genuinely believes what he is saying most of the time, even while he may have no idea he is saying it. He does think he is better than you. In every way. He feels he deserves everything he has that is good and doesn’t deserve anything that hasn’t 100% gone his way.

He doesn’t care if you don’t like his partying, banging hookers and porn-stars and drug consumption.

He has zero intention of changing.

That in itself is insanely refreshing. I’m sick to death about hearing Paris Hilton show ‘genuine remorse’ at her latest skankery. The afore-mentioned Lohan ‘tell all’ about how her latest run in with the law has forced her to ‘grow up’ and made her stronger. Damn lies the lot of it.

(Paris, you are a talentless ho who has lamentably become an example to millions of impressionable girls with incredibly low standards. Lindsay you have been in exactly one movie of note in a 20 year career. No-one would miss either of you if you vanished from the face of the Earth. Were it not for your use as the punchline of a thousand easy jokes – many of them mine – you would be easily forgotten in minutes. You’re both 20 something: grow the fuck up.)

You know it.

There isn’t a professional athlete, movie star or wealthy businessman who hasn’t done most if not all of the things Charlie has done, and many who are probably even more depraved. Willing even to drink his tiger-blood. If chilled. But they keep it hidden, their dirty little secrets a problem only for their PR firms, publicists and embarrassed assistants scurrying about covering up the latest disgusting act on behalf of their reprehensible employer.

By thumbing his nose at society Charlie is only being honest and saying what many others would love the chance to say. But they are afraid. Afraid of the backlash, the loss of fans, the *gasp* perception that one lacks “appropriate values”.

Now I don’t agree with all that Mr Sheen does and I think he is 100% nutso for the way that he is addressing his issue, one interview at a time filled with new and increasingly more bizarre soundbites.  But in this insanely sanitised PC world in which we now all live, where a poorly chosen word instantly labels us unfeeling or inconsiderate I applaud Charlie Sheen for standing up and saying loud and proud “I love hookers, drugs and heaps more bad stuff that my fame and fortune allows me, and na-na-na-na-naa to you if you can’t get it”.

This whole thing has given me more entertainment in the last two weeks than another 20 seasons of Two and Half Men ever could. (In saying that I have never watched an episode.)

So remember, while you might not agree with what he does, what you might think is irrelevant, after all:

YOU’RE NOT CHARLIE SHEEN!

He is. And I hope that he continues preaching the insanely entertaining gospel of Carlos Estevez… until his premature death from overdose sometime in the next 18 months.

OGR

P.S. Charlie Sheen was the bomb in Major League yo!

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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