What I envision when someone mentions Star Trek.
For some reason I hate Star Trek, despite the fact that I have NEVER seen any of the movies, or more than 30 consecutive seconds of any of the TV shows and spin-off TV shows.
Basically if I am flicking channels I watch about as long as I need to realize I am watching Star Trek before instantly changing channels. The clues are usually the pasty guy, the black guy with mountain ranges on his forehead, the black (I think) guy with Kanye West sunnies or just the bad One Day International cricket uniforms.
I don’t flick out of any specific hatred, I just can’t be bothered. It is like I made some sort of subconscious decision when I was a kid and said “No, Star Wars is enough for me”. So I’ve never watched Star Trek, Stargate or even Star Search. (The closest I have come to betraying myself is Battlestar Galactica, which I watched since the beginning and loved.)
I’m not for a minute trying to say I’m not a nerd, I just don’t nerd that way.
Everything I know about Star Trek I learnt through the usual sources, The Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy and various TV skit shows. Oh and of course stand up comedians, thanks especially to Eddie Murphy!
So here is the extent of my Star Trekknow-logy:
? Shatner is Kirk: The boss, plows green women frequently, fights rubber aliens in slow motion and overacts constantly.
? Nimoy is Spock: I think there is argument over his Dr to Mr ratio, he has pointy ears, split finger salutes and has a predilection for dylethium crystals.
? Some Scottish guy is Scotty: He hasn’t yet worked out how to turn his engines to 11, grew fat and spawned the overused “canna give you any more”.
? Some Asian guy is some Asian crew guy, and some black chick is some black crew chick.
? The ship goes to unchartered space and every three years or so they make a movie where they run into the Klingons and have a stoush.
None of this interests me in the slightest, and again I state for the record I have NEVER seen a single Star Trek movie, and I’ve seen Leprechaun, Critters and 2 of the Scary Movie franchise, so it can’t be said that I haven’t had time at some point.
I know that people always say “Well how can millions of fans all be wrong?” To which I respond by pointing at Mariah Carey. Do you realize that right now she is probably taking her miniature dog for a walk through piles of her own money. Why? How do we as a society tolerate this? Why can’t I stop asking questions?
Moving on: Enter 2009. Star Trek cops the reboot treatment, a “he’s so hot right now” director is shipped in and the movie opens to unanimous applause and critical clamouring.
As of today Rotten Tomatoes has it at 95% approval from 257 reviews (that’s only 12 bad ones!), or as Ali G would say incredibly Ffff-Ffff-Fffresh! Metacritic has it at an extremely enviable 83, and it is currently the #71 ranked film ALL TIME on IMDB at 8.5 / 10.
All this universal praise despite the cast being a bunch of largely no-names and seeming to have no-one “star”, and a director who is more famous for creating TV shows. As a director this is his second movie.
The guy directed “Felicity” for fuck’s sake!
Now a few years ago an arthouse flick called “Casino Royale” was released to select theatres (they should market a DVD “With Cheese” edition for that Pulp Fiction crossover appeal).
I hadn’t seen a Bond film since License to Kill in the mid 80’s and I had made another early call that Bond films just weren’t my bag. Casino Royale however got rave reviews and apparently took the Bond legacy in a new direction.
Long story short I checked it out and it was pretty cool, at least the first half was, it dragged on towards the end.
I’ve obviously seen the Star Trek trailer and ads, and can’t see anything jump-out-of-your-seat awesome, it looks like a straight forward sci-fi action flick, not that there is anything specifically bad if that is the case.
So I am bemused and perhaps a little curious, almost enough to bite the bullet and actually watch this thing. But I still have reservations, especially regarding my suitability to review this in a balanced fashion.
– Maybe I am in a fairly unique position to review the film as I know almost nothing about the series?
– Or maybe the opposite is true and I should leave this to the experts?
So I have decided that we can do both. I will make the ultimate sacrifice and watch Star Trek and give my take, trying to leave my prejudices at the overpriced concession stand. TOG, a noted Trekkie will also give his, probably biased, take. (I think his two kids are named “Livelong” and “Prosper” from memory. I might be wrong but I doubt it.)
Get ready for all the clichés that I can possibly think of, I’ll be beaming things up all over the place and demanding warp speed at inappropriate moments.
If this movie fails me though, after all the hype and bluster surrounding it, Star Trek is dead to me. And I can definitely hold onto a grudge.
OGR – June 2nd 2009
Edit: Here is the result.
