Let’s see, things I can do in 2 and a half hours:
- Drive the 220km to see my parents.
- Get a head start on a book.
- Do a few crosswords and sudokus – keeps the brain sharp.
- Have a good nap.
- Watch an entire game of AFL.
- Take the boy to the park to run around.
- Not watch Robin Hood.
I’ll choose Number 7 thanks Drew Carey… Yes final answer.
I can’t remember being more bored by a movie, as bad as her films are even Jennifer Lopez elicits a rare form of hatred within me that at least provides momentary inner warmth and focus.
Robin Hood was just dull. It isn’t even the fact that this it doesn’t even tell the normal “Robin Hood” story, the one with the Merry Men and the robbing from the rich to give to the poor. It’s fair to say that over the decades that story has been done to death anyway, it’s more that the story they ultimately decided to go with was so devoid of action or interest that you wonder if it was worth telling at all.
Rusty Crowe is of course Robin Hood, only he actually isn’t. At the opening of the film we learn he is a mere archer named Robin Longstride in Richard the Lionheart’s triumphant army, an archer apparently being worth far less than a swordsman or a knight. Nonetheless he fights valiantly for King and Country yada-yada – until he makes the mistake of telling the King the truth – truth instead of the truth when asked a question about the King’s performance in the top job.
Then it’s off to the stocks, and when the King pops his head into battle one too many times and takes one in the neck Robin and his buddies do a runner and head back to England.
Meanwhile in the UK Richard’s little brother John has ditched his missus and has taken to tapping the wrong Frenchwoman, specifically a member of French royalty, something the French are apparently none too pleased about. John orders a particularly traitorous henchman named Godfrey to do everyone a favour and top Richard so John can assume the throne.
When Godfrey shows to perform his treachery too late he decides to take Richard’s crown back as evidence of a deed he didn’t even do, only Robin and co manage to find the crown first, and after assuming the identity of some slain knights they gain a privileged passage back to England to report Richard’s demise firsthand.
Robin and his loyal followers bring the bad news and John instantly sets the tone by informing one and all that the carefree days of funding the war are over – now it’s time everyone kicked in so that he can retain his wealth regardless of the poverty of the citizens. With Godfrey back in town King John assigns him as the lead taxpayer and sics him on the outlying towns and villages in order to collect by any means necessary.
Meanwhile Robin agrees to the dying wishes of a slain knight and heads back to Nottingham to give the sombre news to his father – and widow Marion. As a single woman is deemed unable to tend for a farm the father asks Robin to assume the identity of his slain son so they can keep the farm.
Now they start being tyrannised and fight back right? Not really.
Robin and gang meet Friar Tuck and become buds, they do a little hoodin’ but never seem to carry it on.
Godfrey and his loyal scoundrels get to taxin’ and killin’, but don’t get to Nottingham until the very end.
The film really suffers in a 30 minute plus yawn spot where for some reason they use tenuous logic-shaking leaps of faith to make the entire thing and Robin’s involvement more profound. The film simply didn’t need this bit and with 30 minutes excised might have been slightly less boring without it. Except thinking about that taking 30 minutes from a 2 ½ hour boring film leaves you with a 2 hour boring film.
The film looks nice, is well acted and has its share of fight scenes, though the fights scenes are boring also and lack the immediacy of say Braveheart or even the LOTR trilogy. Once again a woman manages to prove herself as tuff as the guys by donning a disguise and joining in the battle – please save me from such trite shite.
Final Rating – 6 / 10. Robin Hood is 150 minutes of waiting at a roundabout and letting opportunity after opportunity to join in the action slip by. Boring is worse than trying and failing.