How not wanting to appear racist can make you stupid.

Apparently everyone is racist. At least a little racist.

That’s what you are lead to believe by popular culture and especially the media, and I can definitely agree that at times the most tolerant person can allow themselves to think irrationally.

Examples?

Let’s say you are stuck behind someone going 20 below the limit in the fast lane, you pass them and see it is an Asian driver.

You think “Typical Asian drivers”.

You see some Japanese people walking through the mall, they are taking photos and posing in front of walls where no-one looking at the developed picture will be able to tell where they were.

You think “Typical stoopid Japanese tourists”.

You slow up at a red light and notice some teenagers dressed like teenagers, baggy pants, hoodies and backwards caps. They could be black, Asian, European, whatever.

You wind up the window and lock the doors, without once looking across in fear that they might notice and judge you.

They think “Typical scared little white guy.”

In my opinion none of these acts make you a racist, they might make you momentarily irrational, but not racist. Conversely though making the statement “I am NOT a racist,” does not make that person not a racist.

Now apparently the mainstream media has more of a subtle influence in these matters than you might think, especially as knowing that you are basically a good person is not enough for many, we need to prove it to others.

This is where good people act like idiots.

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Be sad. We’re in a serious movie.

The movie Crash came out a few years ago (the one set in L.A., not the Cronenborg one where car accident victims did it to each others wounds.) and it was immediately hailed as a classic and had awards thrown at it, including Oscars. Funnily enough only 5 odd years later it is rarely referenced in the media and seldom discussed by movie-goers, it has largely become a fogotten masterpiece.

Why? My theory is that it wasn’t a very good movie in the first place, definitely not “awards” worthy. But because it addressed the topic of racism everyone became too careful not to write it off as lousy or even ignore it, lest they be seen as somehow condoning racism or worse, of not “getting” the message.

I read that Crash shone a light on society and dealt with the uncomfortable topic of casual racism that is apparently inherent across people of all races and cultures. I also read that it proved that racist people can be redeemed through a simple act or gesture towards someone of another race, (as long as it is made by the end of the movie).

I can’t remember if I read all that junk before or after I saw the movie, I only watched the movie as a relative returned from an O/S trip with a bunch of DVDs (were they pirated? Who could tell?) and Crash was included.

I watched the movie by myself and came to a simple conclusion:

Crash sucks.

It is a ham-fisted and clumsy attempt to get a preachy message across by showing a bunch of people who don’t know each other running in to each other periodically, Pulp Fiction style.

On each occasion one of the characters either totally over-reacts to whatever situation they are in, or is just an arsehole. Later on in the film though, the same characters all work out that “racism is bad”and do something that is either totally against the character they built up in the first half of the film, or are lionised for a simple act.

For example, the racist cop played by Matt Dillon saves a black woman who is trapped in a car wreck, apparently this is a magnificent act that is enhanced by the fact she is black….. Wait a minute: Isn’t he a cop? Shouldn’t this be his Job? How is this different if I am a racist plumber and I fix the sink of an Hispanic man, is that a heroic act that shows how I have been cured of the disease that is racism.

A conundrum I would rather have seen addressed is not “Would he save a Black woman” but “Would he have saved her if she wasn’t a hot Black woman?” He liked her enough to feel her up earlier in the film, what if she wasn’t Thandie Newman and was it was Whoopie Goldberg with her hands on the hood of the car? Now there’s an ethical dilemma that I’ll let you put yourself through.

Enough about Crash, I won’t be moved. Crash sucks.

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I got a bit lucky, but what the hell is SHE doing here!

Everyone loves Denzel Washington, he’s the 20 year older Will Smith. It’s impossible to hate him, he never did anything wrong, never said anything stupid. Hell, my Mum loves Denzel. My wife loves Denzel. I love Denzel and have watched at least 2/3 of his films, including some of the crappy ones.

So why am I hating on Denzel? I’m not, but him getting an Academy Award for Training Day is nothing short of a joke.

Training Day was a pretty good formula movie, Rookie cop is teamed up with a seasoned pro (always against his will) and put through the motions. Put your gravelly Trailer Narrator’s voice on for the next bit “Only this Rookie learnt more than he bargained for!”

Anyway, blah, blah, blah, turns out Denzel was a bad cop grafting a little on the side and look out if you get in his way. This means poor old Ethan Hawke has to decide which side he is on, leading to a showdown with inevitable consequences.

Critics liked Training Day but not enough to marry it, it got a score of 70 which means generally favourable reviews. No-one really raved about it or said it broke new ground, but for some reason they all rave about Denzel, even the critics that panned the film.

This seems odd to me, if De Niro or Pacino are in a bad movie, and they both are with Righteous Kill, they are seldom lauded. Similarly when Clive Owen is in a paint by numbers flick or George Clooney appears in a dud they aren’t put on a pedestal.

So why, when Denzel is in an average (at best) flick that is similar to countless others made in the past is he not only praised publically but given the highest honour an actor can receive?

Again I theorise that if a talented and respected black actor like the esteemed Mr Washington sees fit to play against type and play a corrupt and dirty cop, the voters were too afraid not to acknowledge his performance. In 2001 Denzel went up against a couple of ever reliables in Rusty Crowe and Sean Penn, and well respected Tom Wilkinson, I wouldn’t say Denzel doesn’t deserve an Oscar, he does. Just not for mediocrity like Training Day.

I would also point out that Halle Berry won in that year, and was the only other African American nominated for best actor/actress in a year celebrating African Americans in cinema. Now I’d include Halle as part of my “outrage”, but being realistic what has she done really aprt from being Smoking Hot?

Finally I get to my primary whinge, a reverse-reverse racism claim if you will.

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Ooooh, I’m scary. Please buy my increasingly crappy albums.

Eminem is overrated.

Ah, that felt good just writing that.

Eminem is wayyy overrated.

Even better.

Yup that might be a big claim to make when we live in a world where Mariah Carey has sold about a zillion albums and they green-light an album by any 45 kg 17 year old with fake boobies (male or female), but the fact is Eminem shouldn’t even be in the conversation of the top rap artists.

Before I say “and it’s because he is white”, and I sorta will soon, I’ll give you a realistic appraisal of his career, which I admit has had a couple of moments.

Before even that though I’ll give you the 30 second version of my hippedy-hoppedy fan credentials. When I was in my teens (I think about 15) I bought a Young MC tape solely on the strength of “Bust A Move” and “Principal’s Office”, the following year I bought Vanilla Ice’s “To The Extreme”. Embarrassing yes, but I think it went a long way toward honing my tastes (it at least showed me that Vanilla Ice wasn’t much chop) as with my next purchase I decided to try something a bit less mainstream, not necessarily “harder”, I’ve never deliberately aimed for hard. Those CD’s were De La Soul’s “De La Soul Is Dead” and Public Enemy’s “Apocalypse 91, the Enemy Strikes Black, still reasonably mainstream but definately more cred than Vanilla Ice and both albums still hold up extremely well today, a couple years later came Gangstarr’s “Hard To Earn” (1994) and Wu-Tang’s “Enter the 36 Chambers,” from then on every trip to the music shop included consideration of the latest hip hop releases.

This has developed to the point that I now have 550 odd CD’s and I would guesstimate that over half of them are of the hip hop persuasion, a quick mental audit said that included in the last 5 CD’s I purchased are Common, “Universal Mind Control” (his worst album), Ghostface Killah “Ghostdeini the Great” (remix album but still pretty good) and Killer Mike’s “I Pledge Alliegance To The Grind” (only recently found out he had a follow up to the excellent “Monster”. Wish he didn’t. It’s really bad).

So that’s my so called credentials, and as mentioned previously I’m not saying Eminem is untalented, just not 20% as magnificent as the media and many sheep would have you believe. Unlike most that lionise this man I actually listen to hip hop constantly, without exaggeration 5 days a week minimum. I’m not some critic, just a guy who likes stuff and likes writing about said stuff, nor am I guy that feels he needs to have an opinion so as not to look racist. (A-Ha, it’s all coming together!)

In my experience the bulk of people who start off a sentence with “I’m not a fan of his music but I can see that he is very talented”, or even better “I don’t really like hip hop but I think he is obviously intelligent”.

Make.

Me.

Sick.

These are the same people who will ask their partner “Do I like this song?”, or more succinctly, people who are unable to form their own opinion and would rather risk coming off as an idiot than not saying something.  Most painful used to be when Eminem released a new album and crappy entertainment shows like E! and multiple so-called “cutting edge” or “finger on the pulse” shows trying to be desperately hip would say “Eminem’s new controversial song “Ass Like That.” Would any minor or up and coming rapper get a 3 minute story on the strength of a song where the primary point of the story is that he disses Britney Spears, (oooh, he went there!)?

My concern is that these people think “Gee, if I say I don’t like Eminem then perhaps people will think I am racist, because Eminem hangs around black people and hip hop is a “black thing” isn’t it?”

If you are not a hip hop fan just say that, I don’t like Death Metal and don’t feel the need to say “Well I don’t really like Death Metal but I admire Cannibal Corpse for their beliefs and musicianship.”

If you like hip hop and like Eminem then good luck to you.

If you like some hip hop and like Eminem then good luck to you.

You can like what you like, that is why so many artists have careers in the first place. But please don’t compromise what little integrity you might have by saying what you think society wants to hear.

Let’s look at Eminem’s career objectively, he’s had 2 bona fide great songs “Stan” and “Lose Yourself”, and nothing else of any substance in my opinion in a career spanning many albums.

“My Name Is”, “Without Me” and “The Real Slim Shady” are all the same song about how Eminem is essentially a breath of fresh air for the industry, even if he does say so himself (repeatedly).

“Cleaning Out My Closet” and “The Way I Am” are Eminem… (sob) talking about how hard it is to be Eminem. Both suck but were praised for the “unflinching honesty”, yawnnnnnn.

For those about to argue here is the chorus of The Way I Am, immortalised for your pleasure:

And I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn’t, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
Radio won’t even play my jam

Cause I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn’t, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
I don’t know it’s just the way I am

Yes I bolded the “Am’s” in case you missed the genius lyricism. Unconfirmed reports say Angelina Jolie is set to have them tattooed on her back). Um, Mr ‘Em, I’ve got a reason why Radio shouldn’t play your jam, in 10 lines you rhymed “Am” NINE TIMES! There are four year olds that can do better than that.

If I’m being harsh I give Exhibit B, the chorus to the family holiday singalong classic “Ass Like That”.

The way you shake it, I can’t believe it
I ain’t never seen an ass like that
The way you move it, you make my pee pee go
Doing, doing, doing

I don’t believe it, it’s almost too good to be true
I ain’t never seen an ass like that
The way you move it, you make my pee pee go
Doing, doing, doing

Now I included both parts of the chorus, in case Eminem’s argument was that the 2 parts rhymed because they are EXACTLY the same, otherwise nothing rhymes. Add in a sucky song in the first place and I’m starting to think that the people who only stick up for him: despite him being a mysogenistic, homophobic, foul mouthed little racist (his song “White America” condemns, um, White Americans), oh, and he hates his Mum, his Wife-ex-wife-ex-who-the-fuck-cares and on occasion his own daughter.

Either that or he likes attention and realises controversy sells even if it is a pointless, carefully calculated beat-up.

Disclaimer: I’m not decrying or ignoring the mysogenist, foul mouthed, homophobic stuff, many artists I have named below do much the same thing. You either accept it and are big enough to make up your own mind or you aren’t smart enough to discern right from wrong, in which case you should listen to this stuff. But I have news for you crying hypocrite, you also shouldn’t watch M Rated cinema or most TV shows after 8 pm.

I’ve heard Eminem compared to Dr Seuss but I would argue that to the death. Have you read Yertle The Turtle? Hop On Pop? Fox In Socks? That was absolute genius, amazingly well-crafted. I had to read Fox in Socks to my nephew and niece recently and nearly exploded it was so simple yet complicated. I would buy 10 Dr Seuss albums before a single Eminem one, even on sale, again I have 250 + hip hop albums.

He also introduced the world to “Mr I got shot 9 times, 50 Cent”. Your honour, I rest my case.

If I haven’t got my point across then I guess I never will, but needless to say if you so desperately want to be seen as an appreciator of hip hop, even if not a “fan”, please consider any of the following as recommendations:

Non confrontational – Early Jurassic 5, De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest (before “The Love Movement”), Ugly Duckling.

Brilliant lyricists – Method Man, People Under The Stairs, Blackalicious, Outkast, The Roots (I hate you Jimmy Fallon!).

A bit “harder” (ugh) – Wu-Tang Clan (Ghostface, Method Man, GZA NOT the RZA), Cannibal Ox,  (90’s) Public Enemy.

That’s my PSA, now you don’t have to stare blankly the next time somone asks which hip hop artists you like at a formal ball, I know how often that comes up!

… Or you could just tell the truth, “I Don’t Like Hip Hop.” It ain’t that hard kids.

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The moral of the story is, or was meant to be, you aren’t racist if you don’t like a particular black actor, or a singer of Asian descent, or a TV show with predominantly white folks.

But you are an idiot if you elect ignore your own opinion or basic common sense for fear of appearing insensitive, or worse the “R” word.

P.S. I hate the sit-com Family Matters. That felt better. And don’t get me STARTED on Jay-Z! That’s another rant altogether.

Shhhhhh, don’t tell anyone I don’t like him.