Legion (Review)

“Hey look. He’s reviewed Brotherhood of the Wolf!”

Some stats. In 2009 I have watched 88 films already, all have or will appear on this website. Legion ranked in the bottom third of those films.

Legion is a lousy film. I’m about to give it a 6 out of 10.

But I would rather re-watch this than about 20 other films ranked a 6 or better. Why? Because as crappy as this is, (and it is indeed crappy), it is good-bad rather than just bad-bad or even boring-good.

It knows that it is ultimately a trashy flick and rather than try to elevate itself above and pretend it is something it is not, it embraces the trash and actually turns up the ham-ometer to 11 in the last 20 minutes.

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An angel lands in Los Angeles 2 days before Christmas. How do we know he’s an angel?

Two words: Big Fucking Wings.

At least initially, he promptly cuts off his wings, marinates them in a light sauce and finds weapons. I made part of that sentence up, you guess which.

More things happen, but ultimately the ex-angel and a bunch of random characters end up at a remote diner on a highway seemingly in the middle of nowhere called the Paradise Falls Diner.

Kooky.

The diner is owned by Dennis Quaid and staffed by his son, a cook and the waitress Charlie, who is pregnant. Charlie is the only character worth naming here (even though the other guys are fine and actually include some really good actors), you’ll see why soon. Similarly the clientele of the diner includes a family with a teenage skanky daughter, and a black guy.

All up there are 8 people in the diner…

Until a kindly old lady shows up and after a friendly chat with the staff and customers, she orders a rare steak, swears profusely, rips out a throat and climbs the ceiling.

All in roughly that order.

Once the old lady is dispatched all involved are understandably a little perturbed, and after an aborted trip to the hospital (Cut off by swarms of insects. Might I suggest a plague?) it becomes evident that everyone is trapped by a storm that is encroaching on both sides.

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Now Paul Bettany shows up as the ex-angel Michael and this is where things get even zanier. Michael is grim and serious but not very enlightening, even though he always seems to be holding back a chuckle. His only warning is “They’re coming”, and to barricade the diner and brace for impact.

When the full on assault arrives, it is driving an icecream truck. I mean, what else would it be?

Once Mr Icecream truck driver is no longer a more typical horde show up, consisting of people that have been possessed by something. All need dispatching.

By this stage you might justifiably be asking “What the hell is going on?”, I was.

Trust an ex-angel to sort us out. During an inexplicable lull in the attack Michael explains:

Charlie the waitress is pregnant with a baby that can turn the tide in an angelic war. Michael is trying to protect it, everyone outside; including the aforementioned Icecream man is tring to kill it.

Glad that’s settled then.

The final 30 minutes had me grinning from ear to ear as I struggled to accept that the filmmakers actually believed that they could pull this off. There were fistfights, sword fights, gun fights, an exploding husband, redemption for some, doom for others, swarms of baddies being slaughtered and much preposterously pompous dialogue.

There was a heap ripped off from The Prophecy, a bunch from The Terminator and it was all topped off with some all-original Legion cheese.

And it was all funny as shit.

I dunno, this was never going to be a work of art. I guess it is up to you if you can muzzle your bullshit detector and spend the 90 minutes watching this stuff. For some reason this mostly hit my funny bone, not my gag reflex, so while I fully admit this is a steaming turd, I thought it was hilarious.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. There aren’t many more enjoyable 6 / 10 films out there, none that I’ve seen since this website started.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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