Oh Catwoman…
…
Allegedly frumpy but clearly hot Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) worries that she will never get a man. But she has all the stereotypes! She has the sassy best girlfriend and the flamboyant best gay friend.
Then everything changes. The discovery of her employer’s dastardly plan (to sell addictive makeup) leads to Patience’s death… only to have a magic cat breathe her back to life… Or something.
Girl done changed.
With eight lives left Patience is a new kitty. She is quick tongued and athletic with *ahem* catlike reflexes. What is most concerning is the god awful pussy-puns, not the least of which being “what’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”
An S&M outfit gifted to her (wait what?) becomes her superhero costume. Patience suddenly had the ability wield a whip with astounding proficiency, and she ticks off a series of cat clichés including but not limited to, purring, catnip, tuna and having dogs bark at her.
In one bewildering scene she also cusses out the boss in front of twenty colleagues – and they erupt into spontaneous applause. In another she plays one on one basketball with an unfortunate Benjamin Bratt that made me sad to be alive.
Sharon Stone does her bit to add to the awfulness as the horrible boss, and for those (guys) who think ‘well at least I get to see Halle Berry in skimpy clothes’ know this; the stunt double in most gymnastic scenes is a guy…
Some big budget films try and fail. Some big budget films don’t try and fail. I can’t tell if Catwoman tries or not, but I can say that everything that looks like effort is misdirected, and where they clearly don’t try is lame and predictable.
What so clearly wants to be a girrrrrl-power superhero film instead sets humanity back 500 years.
Final Rating – 4 / 10. Somebody coughed up a furball and tried to sell tickets to it.
