Legend has it that the seventh son of a seventh son will arrive to save the land from terror. In modern society couples rarely have more than three kids, let alone seven, so unfortunately the odds of a seventh son of a seventh son arriving to save society from the crap that is this film were too low. It may also come to pass that we summon the spawn of the Octomum to save us from evil. A sobering thought indeed.
Instead we are left to wonder… Does The Dude (Jeff Bridges) think he’s in an animated movie playing a washing machine who thinks he is a cowboy? Did Julianne Moore know she was going to be a dragon for most of her scenes? Did Kit Harrington from Game of Thrones think he had a role that went beyond four lamentable minutes? Would he have been happier had he been cut from the film altogether? (Actually I think I can field that one.)
We may never know the answers. What we are lead to believe is that Master Gregory (Bridges) must lead Tom the 7S of the 7s, as they traverse a land where everything seems to get to turn into something else as the Blood Moon nears, bringing witches, dragons and no doubt more things that turn into other things. (This film might also be the origin story for the Transformers.)
Eventually young Tom discovers he is the One – yes another One – despite having the personality of a sandal and the presence of a sleeping Keith Urban. I think at one stage someone waved a sword at something that just turned into something, and I’m sure I heard Julianne Moore scream at Jeff Bridges “(THE) DUDE, WHERE IS THY DIGNITY?”
Then I either woke up or fell asleep. I can’t recall. Unless you want a $20 nap, perhaps skip this one
Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. Seventh Son is lifeless, bloodless and pointless, a century (in minutes) of ineptitude and misguided special effects that fool nobody.