In the first edition of this lame franchise we were introduced to The Collector on one of his house calls, where he painstakingly laid a bunch of intricate and unnecessary booby traps and devices of torture for unsuspecting morons to walk into.
As this film opens we catch our ‘hero’ on another ‘site visit’, as he lays waste to an entire throbbing nightclub jam packed full of throbbing empty headed young people.
Mash. Thresh. Shred. Slice.
Now the Collector – as we are told in the opening news story montage – is a random serial killer with no discernible traits, aside from one thing. Some people collect trinkets, say a snow globe, from the places they visit, the Collector takes one living victim back to his home.
And now, without further ado, we meet the normally reluctant and introverted subject of Serial Killer Cribs. Ladies and Gents, let’s hand this over to The Collector…
“Um. Well first of all, this is my lair. It was a huge abandoned factory unit that I snapped up for a bargain during the financial crash a few years ago. Plan ahead people. Buy low and all that… um…
… I’m sorry if it’s a little hard to understand me. I mean this leather sex mask thing is kinda my hook, and I don’t wanna take it off, not even for my special. I guess I’m the serial killer Daft Punk. Hahaha right?
Well this is the entry area. Nothing to see here. Have to keep it clean and clear in case I get looky-loos or random visitors ringing the doorbell.
This leads through to the dump area. This is where I bring the big cases with the people in them. You know it’s usually after a frenzied kill spree, and I’m a bit hyped up and on edge, so I don’t bring them out to play straight away. I learned that the hard way a couple times when I went too hard and slashed them right away. No time to savour the experience right? Well anyway there’s a hospital bed for living autopsies and unnecessary surgery; I kinda make up my mind on the fly y’know?
… *whispers* is this interesting at all? I mean I don’t know what else to show you. What you wanna see. I mean if I’m boring you just tell me. *voice rising* I mean I don’t wanna WASTE. YOUR. TIME! THIS KINDA SHIT REALLY SENDS ME OFF THE RAILS Y’KNOW? I MEAN… FUCK!
Camera turns off.
“Well as I was saying that’s the entry area and the dumping ground. Let’s get to the good stuff.
This is one the East torture area. I can cut off fingers, so them elsewhere. Slice and dice. It’s also near the blood sluice and the body part chute.
This leads to one of the many halls that seem to go nowhere. The side rooms house some of the ‘guests’. Don’t worry, they’re soundproof so we won’t hear the whining and whimpering. Unless you want to, I mean the girl in room 3 goes off like a frog in a sock if I so much as say Boo.
Not today huh? Well this room has the Iron Maiden torture thing, and some booby traps that work if someone stands in the right spot. Right in front of that camera actually. This room is full of bear traps.
This side room full of other bear traps, but – and you’ll love this – it leads to a side tunnel that people think they can use to bypass the traps, only it’s full of other smaller traps. I got some looks at the hardware store that day I can tell you. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn the mask but whatevs y’know?
Now I can’t claim the credit for this room. I got some help from an interior design team here. They just thought hanging plastic sheets around would be disconcerting. I must admit it’s a little fucking annoying when you’re carrying a body or tools or something. I walked right into the wall once. Can you imagine? But that leads to the room full of exploding mannequins. A rat set them off once and I spent four thousand dollars rebuying the mannequins and re-arming them all. In hindsight I could have spent half of that on an exterminator…
So more unnecessary traps and rooms full of stupid shit that you would never think would come in handy. Let’s get to my favourite. How are we going for time? Plenty? Good. Thought you might say that. What’s that? Oh sorry, impulse move. Don’t worry he’ll bleed out slowly. Lucky you can operate a camera right? Hahaha…
Now THIS room isn’t the most special thing, but it houses the things most precious to me. After weeks and months of degradation, doping, torture and mistreatment I send the patients lucky enough to live through that down here. They are pretty much in a mobile but vegetative state. Oh there’s one! Did you see him? Wait if we’re quiet one might be brave enough to eat right out of our hand… shhhhhhh.
… well maybe not today. You have to watch closely though. There’s one gal in here who goes apeshit for no reason. Once I was just bringing some intestines and offcuts down to feed them and she damn near yanked my arm out of the socket… hand that feeds you huh?
Well there’s more but you get the picture. This is a house so randomly designed and built that no two rooms seem the same size and shape. Hallways go to nowhere. There doesn’t seem to be a bedroom or living area anywhere. Also I have traps that are so precise that any intruders would need to go way out of there way, and do things totally illogical, to make them work. And even then they would have to stand still for an interminable amount of time to basically permit the bad things to happen to them.
But one day. One day. One day all this stuff will come in handy. I just need the right bunch of idiots who rush in headlong, don’t call for back-up, and with the willingness to make bad decisions one after the other.
Until then I’ll just keep oiling the traps, changing the lightbulbs and feeding the zombies. Anyway thanks for visiting my ‘crib’, as you insist on calling it. Hope you enjoyed the tour… wait a sec; I’M the Collector, thanks for visiting my COLLECTION… that one. Use that one.
The Collection relies on the presence of morons more that any film in recent memory. You need morons to stand about while he kills everyone. Morons who don’t think to use phones to call for help. You need a moron like the Collector to build a facility and place it in plain view, then morons to overlook the screams coming from same. Not to mention the van driven by the guy with an S&M mask. Thennn, you need morons to charge in headlong looking to rescue someone, morons who ignore obvious warning signs and morons who split up to investigate ‘that sound over there’.
Finally, and most importantly, you need morons who think this shit is cool. You get enough of those and you have yourself a franchise, regardless of how pointless and unwarranted it all is.
Final Rating – 5 / 10. Depresses me no end that some people view this without sorrow.