Pet Sematary (Review)

The poster is still a classic.

The poster is still a classic.

Here’s an idea; when moving to a new home in a rural area, don’t let your kid jump on the first dirty old tyre swing they see.

Here’s an idea; when aforementioned child gets inevitably injured by aforementioned tyre swing, don’t attend to her at the expense of your other child, leaving a two year old toddler unattended near a highway full of busy trucks with (apparently) no brakes. Or…

Here’s yet another idea; a fence.

Here’s an idea; when the kindly old gent from across the road takes you to the Pet Sematary (cemetery) up in the woods, and says “don’t go over the tangled mass of felled trees to the other side”. Don’t go over the tangled mass of felled trees to the other side… and what mature adult would consider scaling a tangled mass of felled trees in any case, regardless of what might be on the other side?

Here’s an idea; when the corpse of one of your patients reanimates long enough to chat, despite being clearly dead, then visits you at home shortly after, then escorts you to the area beyond the tangled mass of felled trees; take a couple of strong sleeping tablets and get some sleep. Or seek professional help. Or leave. Probably all of the above really.
But of course, you do all of the things that I wisely suggested not to. So what next? Well the. You certainly shouldn’t bury ANYTHING in that old Indian burial ground that lies beyond the tangled mass of felled trees and is renowned for its ‘tainted earth’ qualities.

You certainly shouldn’t do that in any situation.

Oh you did? Well then you most certainly shouldn’t do it twice. That would be bone ignorant wouldn’t it?

OH YOU DID? Awwww, you’re just not listening are you?

Look if you don’t listen to the old and wise, you don’t listen to the undead and creepy, and you don’t recognise cold (very cold) hard, dirt covered evidence walking up to you with evil intent, then you probably shouldn’t be expected to listen to me.

Should have. Would have saved you a lot of trouble…

You’re the reason companies need to put warning labels on coffee cups saying “Contents may be hot”.

Somewhere Eddie Murphy is whispering “stupid white people”.

The tag line might say “Sometimes dead is better”, but it may be more apt to say “Sometimes dumb isn’t blameless”.

Final Rating – 6.5 / 10. Despite the rampant displays of stupidity, Pet Sematary has some nice scares and some great practical gore effects. It might not make a lot of sense, but really, being scared by a movie doesn’t seem logical in the first place.

About OGR

While I try to throw a joke or two into proceedings when I can all of the opinions presented in my reviews are genuine. I don't expect that all will agree with my thoughts at all times nor would it be any fun if you did, so don't be shy in telling me where you think I went wrong... and hopefully if you think I got it right for once. Don't be shy, half the fun is in the conversation after the movie.
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